Would sex therapy help?

[keres]

Apologies this is long so probably won't get a response. But I'm sitting here worrying about it all so here goes.

Been with DH 15 years, two DCs aged 3 and 6. I absolutely love him, he's just a great person, we're a team in terms of house stuff and with the kids. He's also funny, interesting, intelligent, we have great conversations. He is healthy and fit with the type of body I like. He works hard and looks out for me and is honest.

And yet he wants sex, and I don't. I was quite overweight for a few years in the middle of our relationship, though I've lost most of it now. But it made sense my sex drive was up and down in that time as I had such low self esteem. Then obviously we also had kids so there was sleepless nights and breastfeeding and all those reasons for finding it hard to maintain a sex drive.

But now I'm a healthy weight, if a bit softer than before, and the DCs sleep well now. And yet although I have periods of being into it, I find it hard to sustain that desire and as it ebbs I feel it slipping away and it's really hard to get it back. So we might have a bit where we dtd 2 or so times a week which is good for us and then it slips and will be say fortnightly, and then mainly because I make myself.

I feel like there is a ton of complex stuff feeding into this that's just too much to unpick by myself. I haven't ever been sexually assaulted but my first knowledge of sex etc in childhood was not good. Generally childhood was difficult and its been work to overcome depression etc.

This evening I've been thinking there are some things with sex I'd like to be different. He is very much about my pleasure, genuinely wants me to tell him what I like and what I want, listens and acts on that. I don't have trouble orgasming. But actually I've realised he's sort of developed some habits that I'm less into but I can't bring myself to say it. He's trying to make things nice for me and it feels good. But I find it a bit off putting sometimes to be so much about me. And he's just so into sex (not just piv but general sexual experience) and wants to try new things (nothing especially out there or anything I'm uncomfortable with) but I'm just not on the same wavelength. Sex is nice and feels physically good and I like the intimacy but I just don't care that much about it I hate feeling like I have to do stuff to keep him happy. Not because he sulks or pressures me, it's simply because I know how much it means to him. I know he thinks deep down its more normal and healthy to feel the way he does about sex but also that he's a bit insecure that maybe he has an over high sex drive (I don't think he does) so it feels cruel to say anything.

I've also said lots of times I feel touch is only given in the hopes of sex and he insists its not but it feels like when he's affectionate, he is making a point of touching and hugging me in a non sexual way in the hopes that doing that will unlock sexual desire? So no he's not groping me and making all touch sexual but it still feels purposeful. So I'm tense if we're snuggled on the sofa because I know he's hoping - but then who can blame him? Or the other night he cuddled me in bed and this was him trying to initiate (he said as much) and I said you only cuddle me when you want to have sex and he said no no I'm perfectly happy just to cuddle... That's as may be but the original motivation was sex, that's the problem. I'm not saying he doesn't enjoy cuddling unless it's leading to sex, I'm saying he does it when he wants sex and will settle for a cuddle. I know that sounds like the poor man just can't win and maybe he can't. I'd just like sometimes to be cuddled just for no reason though, or for closeness. He doesn't kiss me when he comes in from work and I don't now because he'd take it as a signal. I am affectionate though, things like rubbing his back when I walk past, touching his hand, kissing him. I don't feel like he really does that unless he's thinking about sex later.

I can't tell what's me and what's him so maybe some kind of therapy would help? Has anyone tried this? I feel like the problem is all me and reading back the above it seems moany and like he can't win. I'm scared it will end up ending our relationship though.

There is a lot of info in your post but it really just sounds that yo are sexually incompatible.

I've also said lots of times I feel touch is only given in the hopes of sex and he insists its not but it feels like when he's affectionate, he is making a point of touching and hugging me in a non sexual way in the hopes that doing that will unlock sexual desire? So no he's not groping me and making all touch sexual but it still feels purposeful

What would you like him to do?

On the surface it reads as though he's doing what you ask - intimacy without an expectation of sex yet you still perceive there to be an expectation of sex.

It's hard to tell whether he still has that expectation or whether or whether you are reading it where it doesn't exist.

And neither of you are communicating in a way that the other understands maybe?

OP I could have written almost everything you've written myself
I'm sorry you feel this way, my own situation is very similar, only we're now in drought that's lasted since January... He's given up now I think and I feel so terrible.
I'm sorry I didn't have any wisdom to offer, but just a hand in solidarity.
You both sound lovely.

It seems like you have yourself in a bit of a viscous circle now. You want to want sex, but you're doing that just to please him? as I'm getting you actually could just live without sex? Is that right? And everytime he even wants any kind of intimacy now you instantly feel pressured to have sex.. don't know if I'm reading this right but I'm kinda picking up that his desire to please you sexually is actually a major turnoff? Maybe a bit erm I think pathetic is too strong of a word but women are renowned for loving a bastard type man especially in the bedroom. It depends on what you actually want from this relationship I guess.. do you want to want sex with him? Or would you rather he just didn't want sex anymore? If you actually want to have the desire for sex I think therapy could definitely help. There are also herbal remedies to get you in the mood.. maybe think what it actually is that gets you in the mood and explore that with him.. talk about it.. if you just don't want to have sex with him or indeed to try getting in the mood then it sounds like you've fallen in to the dreaded "I love him like a brother" relationship and tbh that's just not fair on him guess you have a lot of thinking to do.

You seem to have quite conflicted feelings, so some kind of professional therapy might help you work through them.

FWIW when wife (nowEx), announced she did want sex (with me at least), anyone, that was the of the marriage, so something to add in to your current mix of feelings

@Illputtheminapie.
If you mean Jan this year, I don’t think that’s really all that long, but the longer you leave it the harder to get going again.(trust me)
I assume you are in a bit of a stand off now with neither party wanting to initiate?
If you still want a sex life you will have to grab the bull by horns and get busy in the bedroom before a few months becomes a few years and it’s really too late then

I think that what might help, is take a step back from trying to read his mind about sex and then getting yourself stressed about it. Its a really easy habit to get into I think. You know he wants sex, and you kind of feel you should be making him happy and not want to disappoint him, but the way its going at the moment, is actually stressing you out about sex and making the whole experience worse.
Its all very well him trying to do the things you like in sex, but doing them at all the times youre not in the mood. You not being in the mood, doesnt mean that youre rejecting him as a person and you are allowed to say no without guilt, and he should be able to try it on or be affectionate without it stressing you out like that, but every time he tries it on, youre getting a load of anxiety about letting him down, having sex youre not in the mood for, or that its a commitment to a big old session focussed on some pleasure when you cant even get yourself into the arousal zone at the moment for whatever reason

I think counselling about that sort of dynamic youve got yourself into might work, but there are things they usually suggest which you can try anyway, such as taking sex off the table for a while, and really working out what you DO want out of your sex life and what an ideal one would look like for you.
Id try and think about things like how you feel when you say no to him, and how you feel when youre actually feeling your sexuality and those twinges, and whether you feel relaxed about going to him with it and whether its actually fun and relaxed

I'm kinda picking up that his desire to please you sexually is actually a major turnoff? Maybe a bit erm I think pathetic is too strong of a word but women are renowned for loving a bastard type man especially in the bedroom.

Watching with interest. As a man, raised by a feminist mother, I've always been led to believe that being a man who wants to please a woman sexually was a good thing - a catch, in fact, considering the amount of posts and articles I've read bemoaning husbands who are selfish in bed.

But this suggests that, even though a woman might resent the fact a male partner doesn't consider her needs, she's more likely to stay with him because she, at least, respects him more for doing that? And that's a turn on, even if he's actually crap in bed?

@TossaCoinToYerWitcher

I'm kinda picking up that his desire to please you sexually is actually a major turnoff? Maybe a bit erm I think pathetic is too strong of a word but women are renowned for loving a bastard type man especially in the bedroom.

Watching with interest. As a man, raised by a feminist mother, I've always been led to believe that being a man who wants to please a woman sexually was a good thing - a catch, in fact, considering the amount of posts and articles I've read bemoaning husbands who are selfish in bed.

But this suggests that, even though a woman might resent the fact a male partner doesn't consider her needs, she's more likely to stay with him because she, at least, respects him more for doing that? And that's a turn on, even if he's actually crap in bed?

I know it can be hard to believe, but women are in fact all individual human beings. In fact they’re as varied in their likes and dislikes as men are.

I know it can be hard to believe, but women are in fact all individual human beings. In fact they’re as varied in their likes and dislikes as men are.

Well, I would like to think so. But I'm not the one claiming "women are renowned for loving a bastard type man especially in the bedroom."