Attention seeker

[nochange]

Please help me I am so sad. I have a history of toxic relationships I stay in far to long. None of these men have ever brought anything to my life I provide for myself but when it ends I fall into a deep depression. I have blocked the latest one tonight it was long distance j hardly ever saw him but I form these strong attachments made such a fool of myself tonight, and now feel so depressed which will last until the next guy pays me attention I just want to be happy alone but it seems I can't be unless I am getting some sort of male attention. I am. 42 years old it is pathetic

Hi @nochange, ahhhh dont be so harsh on yourself. 42 is beautiful age :-) (Im nearly the same as you). I had similar up to Feb when my last partner dumped me without any obvious reason and out of blue. What i learnt since then is to find something you love, you will learn to love yourself from that and then be happy. You will not need outside approval. I was very dedicated to heal my broken heart and 3 months in and Im very happy alone. Really enjoying it now and Im hopeful I will be able to keep it up. Spare a lot of time on it, it doesnt come easily but is definitely worth it.

My advice would be to learn to love yourself first. Don't engage in any relationships which could end up with you feeling like this. Love yourself first and then try relationships again. You'll know your worth then x

See a therapist. There are some deep-seated feelings of inadequacy apparent in your post that motivate you to grovel for attention and validation from the least worthy individuals. For you any attention is good attention, even if it is coming from a loser. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee see a therapist. They are even doing sessions these days via SKYPE so you don't have to go anywhere but can start working on this life-changing issue.

Honestly invest in a therapist. Will be worth every penny

Echoing the therapy posts! Your worth the investment. Maybe invest in a book specific to your issues to start you off

Are you in therapy, OP?

I see I'm not the only one who thought this when I read your post.

I'm not sure you'll investigate therapy, because, somewhat strangely, people would rather go through disappointment and depression, time and again, instead of facing things head-on with a therapist. This is because you'd have to face the feelings surrounding your experiences head-on, too.

But I promise you, if you find the right therapist, it is worth it. It takes time, but the rewards are better than anything you'll find in someone else.

I wonder what your childhood was like OP, as it likely has a significant impact on your adult relationships. You really do need to talk this through with a good therapist.

I’d agree that good therapy could help with this; choose carefully especially if working with a male therapist as anything lingering from your other relationships with men will work its way into your therapy. Whoever you choose, they need to be able to hold anything you bring including your need to be seen and accepted. The right therapy can be powerful and help you break the cycle of previous relationships by offering you a safe space in which to experience powerful feelings.

Thanks everyone I see a therapist for my ocd but have never addressed this side of me. I can't get the words out i feel embarrassed & ashamed

My childhood I didn't have a male figure my dad left when I was 3. I saw him again after 10 years where he has come back & fourth when he feels like it. I'm always so forgiving of his behaviour as well. I can't say my childhood was bad though my mum more than made up for his absence with love

@Craftycorvid

I’d agree that good therapy could help with this; choose carefully especially if working with a male therapist as anything lingering from your other relationships with men will work its way into your therapy. Whoever you choose, they need to be able to hold anything you bring including your need to be seen and accepted. The right therapy can be powerful and help you break the cycle of previous relationships by offering you a safe space in which to experience powerful feelings.

I would echo this re looking for a female therapist to avoid transference. Please do have some therapy specially about this issue OP, it's likely to be rooted in your formative years and unravelling it all could be truly life changing for you.

Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. It's the job of a therapist to not judge you. It may take time to find the right person and to feel you can trust them enough, but could be so worthwhile.

The thing that scares me the most is that I can't genuinely love these men because if I get attention elsewhere I am not depressed anymore. I'm not sure if I have ever been truly in love. If someone actually wants me I don't want them. I just don't want to be like this anymore. I'm getting older & it's just so very draining

Therapy, therapy, therapy - it will most likely change your life. You aren't in a healthy space to even try and have a relationship until you've done some work with a therapist to unpack why you are behaving in a way that is actually quite self destructive. I've been there and lived that and promise you can turn it around!

I understand, well done for blocking though.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you I appreciate your advice. I will look for a therapist I just hope I can get the words out. I tried before but I find it so hard to speak about yet I can write to strangers on here no problem

@bangheadhere40 thanks but I find the courage to block now but when I am low I unblock him & the cycle starts again 🥲

[quote nochange]@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you I appreciate your advice. I will look for a therapist I just hope I can get the words out. I tried before but I find it so hard to speak about yet I can write to strangers on here no problem [/quote]
That's brilliant though - you can write it all down, bring the piece of paper with you and ask them to read through it while they talk to you / ask you questions. Honestly - it's a great way to start with a therapist because you don't get caught up in trying to people please / say the right things / get positive attention from them. You can give them a true account of what's going on and how you're feeling and start from a place of honesty.

I went after a particularly shitty time in my life, handed over a piece of paper with my true feelings, sobbed for an hour chatting to them and STILL felt like a load was lifted and change was possible when I left that session.

@youvegottenminuteslynn have got a counsellor booked for next week I really hope I can be honest I feel like a teenager saying I need attention from men so embarrassing but I really want to change

[quote nochange]@youvegottenminuteslynn have got a counsellor booked for next week I really hope I can be honest I feel like a teenager saying I need attention from men so embarrassing but I really want to change [/quote]
That's so brilliant, well done you.

Do you feel able to use my suggestion of writing everything down on paper and then handing it to the counsellor at the start of your appointment?

You could say "I am nervous about today and I was worried I might not be able to be honest about how I'm feeling, so I've written it down. Can we go through what I've written together?"