I have been with my DW for over a decade. After a few years together I thought that our relationship was great with the same values and dreams, but the sex was lacking. Some of this was on my part - I wasn't confident in bed. But I felt that other areas of the relationship were great and my view back then was that sex wasn't that important.
Around the time that I proposed, both her parents became ill. It was a tough time. None of her siblings helped, so it was down to her to act as help. This was on top of us both seeing our careers take off and so there was never really any free time. She spent most weekends supporting her family, We wanted to get married but the family issues meant we just did it on our own. Im not a confident person, so not having 100 people looking at you the whole day kind of suited me.
It went on for years - most weekends away. I did what I could to help, which pretty much meant my weekends were cooking, cleaning, ironing etc and making sure my DW didnt have to think about it. My DW also works away a lot, and some weeks I wouldnt see her in the week.
It was at this time I started to notice that my DW could be very critical. The cleaning wasn't good enough etc, very passive aggressive. She would also be quite controlling - if she was away she would frequently texting asking what I was doing. Or not allowing me to buy things for the house that I wanted. At the time I didn't really think anything of it, I just thought she was caring.
The sex dried up. Work hours in the week were long and she was never here at weekends, so it was sort of expected. I didn't say anything and sorted myself out, if you know what I mean (sorry if its TMI).
Around 3 years ago I said I wanted to start a family - we had sex two or three times. I hated it. The pressure was immense and it took a while to finish, if at all. We haven't had sex since. Around 18 months ago I sat my DW and said something has to change. I said we need to communicate better etc, and work out what's happening.
Both her parents passed away sadly - she is now trying to compensate for the lost years - she always wants to go out or be doing stuff. Around 18 months ago I said that we had to change - I was tired and developing depression. Over the next six months I tried to engage, say how I was feeling and explain why I didn't want to have sex. When I asked her, she just said sex was unimportant to her. For me there are two issues. One was the pressure in trying to conceive and the second being that I felt the dynamic outside the bedroom (her being quite critical and dismissive of me) meant there was no desire to have sex. She just kept saying that sex wasn't important to her, and that the issue is that I cant finish.
So then I found couples counsellor, but after 3 months I said we should stop. The counsellor said the issue was that I wasn't committed anymore. My DW said that in a 1:1 session, the counsellor told her that I was abusive because I was wanting change and in turn controlling. Fast forward to now... we have been in separate bedrooms for a year.
My DW is adamant that we cant split up. She says that she doesn't want to, and doesn't see a life without me. But I've noticed that over the past few years she wont undress in front of me. I don't know what to do anymore, so I am all ears.