Narcissist mother help!

[Nellmoss]

Hi, I'm new here.. could do with some advice! How do I deal with my mother, she's always had this way of putting me down through my life but in a kinda nice way and "I didn't mean it like that" kinda way and making me feel I'm over reacting.. things that spring to my mind instantly when I was 8 month pregnant with my first baby telling me I was a sexual encounter she didn't want, my dad forced her to have sex, she didn't want another kid and was going to get rid of me, and she subsequently got rid of the one after me.. I mean that was a big one but there were daily niggle things. Now I'm grown 40 year old woman my youngest is 15 She's now on her own after a break up with my dad and my brothers don't have really anything to do with her and now she's all over me because I'm all she has.. it's suffocating, when I needed her she wasn't there, a young mother of one going through a miscarriage all alone and she couldn't have cared less, wasn't interested in coming to see me had a 2 year old to look after.. left me to get on with it by myself adding "it was probably for the best anyway" as me and my long term partner had split up. Now I'm the only one looking after her and she doesn't like it if I don't go and see her and the next time I see her she does her usual guilt tripping eith a side order of gaslighting..
Fuck.. I agreed to take her away for a couple of days I mean it was my idea 🤔 hmm well she made me think it was! I organised somewhere showed her it and she said yes to book it and then spent the next 45 minutes slagging it off saying it was far away from where she wanted to go .. I think it's because it had a pool and a gym and I said I'd like to use that early in the morning while she's still asleep.. ended up cancelling it because she moaned that much and booked a different place with no pool no gym NO ESCAPE ! And now I'm feeling like I'm been dragged in to an ever decreasing trap she managed to make me book 3 nights even though 1 would have stressed me out and everything she says triggers me.. I've really gone down hill mentally since last week booking it I need strategies to help if she starts with her bullshit while we're away 😪 I just reallycan't call her out on anything because she denies it making me think I'm going crazy! Maybe I am crazy! Help 🤯

Its not you, its your mother. She's basically conditioned and otherwise trained you from childhood to serve her whilst putting your own needs and wants dead last.

Its hard being the last one left who actually bothers with her but you're ultimately going to have to do here what your brothers have done i.e. have nothing to do with her going forward. Tackle your own feelings of fear, obligation and guilt she installed in you through therapy. Its really not possible to have a relationship with someone like your mother. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no and your mother is no different.

Cancel the three night break; its not worth the stress she is already putting you under and she will continue to make you ill. Being with her at all will give you more emotional pain.

Have a read of and consider posting on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. Many of those posters will relate to what you've been writing.

Your message filled me with fear! As if I'm almost 41 and still scared of her reaction.. really appreciate your time to respond .. I can't get out of this 3 days as its no cancellation.. unless I throw myself down the stairs and break my leg .. I'll power through this but I'm not falling for it again.. just hope she doesn't start while we are away.. I'll just drive home! And I'll check those threads you suggested.. thank you 😊

What you're feeling is not atypical at all; these people do strike fear into their chosen target.

What sort of place does that re no cancellation?. That is not good customer relations.

She will not respect any boundary you care to set her so impose your own on your own self. Do indeed drive home when, not if, she starts on you. Leave her behind. Powering through this or otherwise adopting a grey rock strategy may well leave you feeling exhausted both mentally and physically. At the very least do not spend any more time with her than absolutely necessary.

There really is no point trying to make a narcissist see your point of view, they can't, and even if they could they wouldn't care.
You have to learn how to distance yourself from this mentally, it's very hard but with practice it can be done. Comments she makes, however bad should be met with a calm 'oh right' or a 'hmmm'. The more riled up you get, the more it will continue.
She will always act the 'victim' - it will always be her who is hard done by and her that needs all the attention and her that has all the problems - it is not your problem to sort these out.
While you are away (I feel for you ) try to focus on any positives, she will most likely try to put a negative vibe on them but try to act like its water off a ducks back and shrug them off.
You are not crazy and it's not you that has the problem, you are an independent adult who has coped very well with shit that life has thrown at you. Give yourself some credit.

Don't even attempt to call her out on anything - there is literally no point in it. I have a great quote that I always refer to when I feel a wobble. It's this: "With narcissists, you can be as precise in your communications as a robot, and you will not be heard - Nor will it matter". Even if you had concrete evidence that could not be refuted, a narcissist will just turn it around and say that its not important and why are you making such a fuss.
Good luck with everything - keep your sanity and your own space.

Thank you so much this really has helped.. I'll try to not let her get in my head solid meditation before I leave next week and maybe just really try been super nice not piss her off.. but deffo last break I organise!