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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship is falling apart.

15 replies

Mumtotwo21 · 18/05/2021 07:16

Hi everyone! Long story here so please stay with me..

I've been in a relationship with my partner for a few years now, I already had a child when I met him and then a couple of years later we decided to add to our family. We conceived pretty quickly and now we have a gorgeous little 1 year old.
However our relationship is just not okay, obviously having a baby changes everything (I knew this from my first failed attempt) but I just thought that this time would be different, my circumstances and my life is completely different this time around but I'm finding myself in the exact same situation.
I can't stand to be in the same room as my partner, since having our baby and I'm officially a SAHM, I've found he's turned into a self entitled a**hole!! I stay home and do what needs doing here, look after the kids etc and he goes to work but I find he's always got something to be moaning about and just generally miserable about me. Every so often these conversations pop up (that always turn into arguments) about how I don't do anything for him (our relationship) other than the things that I should do. (We have been in a lockdown and I've had a hard time just keeping a hold of things.) And last week when we had another of these talks he decided that I'm unapproachable, I should do more to make his days better when he's having a hard time at work and he does much more than he should in regards to cooking, the kids etc.
I've tried telling him that I feel our relationship has gone as far as its going to go and I just don't feel anything for him anymore but he says I'm giving up too easily and I've not done enough to try.
Basically neither of us want to be without the kids and that's the only thing keeping us together.
I have nothing to my name, no savings no fallback so I don't even know what I would be able to do if this doesn't work but I don't see another way.
I feel drained with trying to keep him happy and keeping on top of what it is he wants from me (that's apparently not enough)

Basically is there a way to save this relationship?have any of you been here before right at the end and found a way back to make it work? Or am I dragging a dead horse around with me?
Any advice would be much appreciated.

P.s I'm sorry if this made no sense i was just typing everything out and hoping for the best 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumtotwo21 · 18/05/2021 07:17

Thanks everyone in advance for your help!

OP posts:

Crowsaregreat · 18/05/2021 07:26

It sounds like your life is all give, give, give and then he's asking you to give more! Does he see you as a full human being? I don't see what he brings to the relationship apart from money.

If have a frank discussion and see if he will sorry himself out. But at the same time formulate some kind of plan for what life would be like if you break up.

GelfBride · 18/05/2021 07:33

Find a way to get away. You have no life like this.

DinosaurDiana · 18/05/2021 07:37

He is being controlling, make plans to leave.

Lozzerbmc · 19/05/2021 22:51

He seems to see you as the housekeeper… perhaps return to work ?

DateXY · 19/05/2021 23:21

Leave him alone with just the baby for the weekend and let him experience what you.do at home. He's the 1 year old's other parent after all. Men rarely appreciate it until they've had direct experience.

EarthSight · 20/05/2021 07:42

Before you think about working on your marriage, you need to work on your friendship. If the pressure of marriage was taken away, and instead you focused on being better friends and co-parents together, do you think that would work with some therapy? Only by at least getting on as friends in this way do you have a chance of rekindling any further feelings (if you still want to).

How much housework and cooking does he currently do? What does he moan about? Do you think he has 1950s expectations of how wives should be? What was his own mother like?

Newestname001 · 20/05/2021 07:56

OP it doesn't sound as though you are married as you say "partner" rather than "husband". It sounds like you are in a difficult position as a SAHM. With no paid work outside the home and two children he could make life, financially, pretty difficult for you. What is your financial position? Eg: you say "I have nothing to my name, no savings no fallback" but do you own the home together and in the mortgage deeds? Do you get child maintenance from your first child's father?

Also check out what benefits you'd be entitled to if you did split eg www.entitledto.co.uk.

Good luck! 🌹

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/05/2021 08:02

Sorry you aren't happy.
I think you need to start looking for a job to ensure you have money of your own and can leave if you are unhappy and you can't salvage the relationship.

It makes me so sad how many women give up all financial independence when they start a family and then end up reliant on a man they don't want to be with

spotcheck · 20/05/2021 08:08

Hang on- you say that he feels he cooks lots, and looks after the kids lots. And that you have had trouble holding it all together.

Has he picked up a lot of slack?

It sounds like he was trying to tell you how he feels, and you jumped to ' this relationship has gone as far as it can go'. That's a pretty explosive statement.

DO you do things for him?

Opentooffers · 20/05/2021 08:36

Why is he cooking at all if you are a SAHM. You can change the father of your next child, but if you behave the same way yourself as the first time, you may well get the same failed result.
If you're DC is only 1 then you have not been out of the job market long, so I think going back to work is the answer. It doesn't sound like you are cut out to be a SAHM, not everyone is, I couldn't do it.
If being a domestic duties don't fill you with pride and joy, don't be a SAHM.

Fireflygal · 20/05/2021 08:46

How long have you been together?

The first year after the birth of a child is highly stressful and if you add in pandemic it's understandable why a couple could be struggling.

Can you both communicate effectively, do you listen to each other and manage to resolve conflicts?

I wouldn't suggest you need to leav ASAP especially as you are not working. Can you take steps to get back into work? Thus might help restore your sense of self.

However if you haven't been together long, this could be natural behaviour i.e critical of you without cause. Some men drop their mask when there is a shift in power, such as the woman being at home not earning.

JSL52 · 20/05/2021 08:46

@Opentooffers

Why is he cooking at all if you are a SAHM. You can change the father of your next child, but if you behave the same way yourself as the first time, you may well get the same failed result. If you're DC is only 1 then you have not been out of the job market long, so I think going back to work is the answer. It doesn't sound like you are cut out to be a SAHM, not everyone is, I couldn't do it. If being a domestic duties don't fill you with pride and joy, don't be a SAHM.

Because she's been at home all day doing everything else and presumably he wants to eat ? Mind numbingly boring being at home with a one year old ?

Opentooffers · 20/05/2021 09:01

So if it's boring, don't do it.

wanadu2022 · 20/05/2021 11:20

So he's working full time, comes home and cooks and looks after the kids too. Why is he an entitled arsehole?

Was it your decision to be a SAHM mum full time or did he force you into it? Are you planning to go back to work and get a child minder at some point if being stuck at home is too stressful?

Can you give examples of the sort of things he thinks you should be doing more of?

It seems from you OP (apologies if I got it wrong), that you find raising a child and looking after the house stressful and that has switched you off from your partner. It seems quite extreme to go off your partner to the extent you want to end things though, rather than working with him to find compromises and solutions that work for you both. Surely, being honest about what you want him to do/not do and find some middle ground is the best way forward. Otherwise, is there any guarantee you won't feel the same stress and switch off with another partner too - as it's the stress causing it, rather than the person themselves?

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