Rekindling friendship post lockdown - or not?

[16purplecolour16]

This is coming to bite me on the bum, so long story short:

A really close friend went into ‘follow the rules, don’t leave your house, keep the curtain closed, the virus is everywhere.’ Mode. Whereas I was, ‘yes we must be cautious but we could meet outside at a safe distance.’ Consequently have not seen each other since February 2020 even though we live within 10 mins of each other.

Added to my reticence - I was ‘told off’ by her early in the pandemic for leaving the house, which annoyed me big time at the time. I drafted a text in response but didn’t send it. In hindsight I should have done because for me it triggered the demise of the friendship and my annoyance really festered over lockdown.

A lot went on for me as a consequence of lockdown which my friend seemed unable to grasp. I understand there was an element of ‘survival of the strongest, every man for himself.’

We have kept a light-touch contact over the year. I now have had the message that ‘we are allowed to see other so let’s meet for coffee.’

What advice for repairing a damaged friendship. Or it’s done, move on. My feeling is, it’s done. Move on. But how to say without causing unwarranted rudeness?

I think cutting her off will also come to “bite you on the bum”. She judged you but you also judged her.

I’d draw a line under it and realise you were both flawed, both human and both stressed, just dealing with it in different ways.

You can choose to make your circle smaller but with every deletion you loose a spark of difference and enter a bit more of an echo chamber.

OP "My feeling is, it’s done."

You mean you don't want the friendship any more?

If I was told off for leaving my home to get fresh air, I'd need some acknowledgement that was her being crazy tbh.

I think the whole lock down / rules is a personal thing, The pandemic was and is so shocking - something we have not experienced in our life time. Some people like your friend was very much 'keep to the rules' others not at all! It is so easy to take it personally - I had a friend who also would not meet up outside when we could and I became a bit paranoid that it was a great excuse for breaking ties with people you no longer want to see! I would meet up for a coffee with your friend - there will be a lot of people re kindling friendships and relationships I am sure

I'd move on, I've distanced from friends who haven't been there for me through the pandemic.
My best friend has dostanved throughout and we have some differing in opinions but have manged to not judge each other. Some friends who were seeing me to suit their needs or to arrange play dates for their kids but not considering I might need company when some restrictions lift and might enjoy going to their home I'm keeping the socail distancing up with these friends. We don't need to agree with each other all the time but sometimes it is best to call it a day if friendships bring you stree more than joy.

@sunrayscome * there will be a lot of people re kindling friendships and relationships I am sure.* and perhaps a skill of reconnecting to be acquired.

@PlexiglasYou can choose to make your circle smaller but with every deletion you loose a spark of difference and enter a bit more of an echo chamber.

Posted too soon. Sound advice.

However, I heard someone comment that they had ended a relationship because they had the ‘ick’ feeling. I think I have this. I don’t think I could ‘engage’ with this person with the same level of friendship intimacy that we had a year ago.

It’s going to be weird going vague friend now, unless I leave her to query it then be prepared to be honest and see if she responds with the same level of self-interest there has been over the year.

@16purplecolour16
there will be a lot of people re kindling friendships and relationships I am sure.* and perhaps a skill of reconnecting to be acquired.

Very Very true. I used to work in a busy office and have now been working from home for a year - some of my work friends (thought they were friends) have not stayed in touch at all through the pandemic and I will find it awkward and difficult if and when we go back to the office. I think the pandemic has really made us re think how we value people and friendships.

echo chamber such a good way to describe a relationship.

@16purplecolour16

However, I heard someone comment that they had ended a relationship because they had the ‘ick’ feeling. I think I have this. I don’t think I could ‘engage’ with this person with the same level of friendship intimacy that we had a year ago.

It’s going to be weird going vague friend now, unless I leave her to query it then be prepared to be honest and see if she responds with the same level of self-interest there has been over the year.

I typed a whole reply and MN ate it.

I can understand your feelings but some people have been so anxious they won't remember what they said so I am trying to go for the forgiving angle....but...a friend ten minutes away who was too scared to meet outdoors...bit flummoxed by that one.

It sounds like you could quietly put her off and not much will happen. I think that'ssometimes kinder than an annoucement.

I’ve taken the view that I’m going to draw a line under a lot of pandemic behaviour, because so many people behaved the way they did out of genuine fear and panic. Whilst I think their fear and panic was on the misplaced - ridiculous spectrum (depending on how far they took it), I can’t be angry at or offended by people who really thought they or others they loved were at risk of serious illness. (And besides, I’ve had a pretty good year notwithstanding, so I can afford to be benevolent towards those who seem to have had it tough.)

If you were good friends beforehand then, as long as there is no more madness and judgement on her part, I’d just chalk it down to a very weird year and try to be friends again. But I’d not put up with any ongoing po-faced-ness from her towards your choices.

I think as she was a really close friend, and you don't mention feeling the ick before lockdown, I wouldn't end the friendship [yet]. I would go for a coffee - maybe just schedule it for a week further out and limit the time a bit initially (so if you usually meet for 1.5 hrs do 45 minutes instead) by having somewhere to be afterwards.

The friendship has almost certainly shifted and may never fully recover but to go from close friend all the way down to acquaintance/no friend seems like a big jump under the circumstances. I definitely wouldn't expect it to bounce straight back but give it some time - and accept it could go either way.

Was there anything about the friendship that didn't sit right pre-lockdown and this has just made it clearer? I've decided to gently end a friendship now but I felt uncomfortable before lockdown (several reasons and behaviour repeated) and it has just made me realise that now we have the freedom to see each other again, I really don't want to.

So is this just the consequence of the pandemic OP? Or were you unsure of the friendship before as well? I think it's very wrong to judge people based on their pandemic behaviour as you just don't know what that person is going through and how their mental health is. This has been an unprecedentedly intense situation for most. There's nothing wrong with "following the rules" and I wouldn't take it personally if she wasn't comfortable meeting. If she was genuinely scared, it must have been terrifying for her! Of course you may have felt judged by her too on your more relaxed approach and didn't like "being told off" as you have every right to be but this just seems a bit much to me to end a friendship over. I'd meet her for coffee, see how you feel and take it from there.

@RakeThrough * . I would go for a coffee - maybe just schedule it for a week further out and limit the time a bit initially (so if you usually meet for 1.5 hrs do 45 minutes instead) by having somewhere to be afterwards.* Sound advice and a good plan.

Thanks all. Certainly not throw the baby out with bath water on this friendship.