Is it normal for me to feel like this?

[ButterflyInACocoon]

1 year ago today, I ended it with my abusive boyfriend. I had been with him for 4 years and during our time together he was emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive.

I am 23 and he is 26. I had wanted to end it for a little while but I was petrified to do so. I had been so isolated from my friends and family, I felt trapped and as though I had no option but to stay, even though I wasn't in love with him anymore.

To everyone's surprise (everyone was unaware of what had happened) he was sentenced to jail for 12 months (reckless driving). I stayed around and supported him for a month but the verbal abuse continued over the phone and I seized my opportunity and ended it. I was inundated with calls, most of them abusive, him screaming down the phone to me because he was no longer able to control me and some of him crying, pleading, begging, but I had become so numb to the emotion that I remember hanging up the phone, changing my mobile number and unplugging my house phone and simply never contacting or hearing from him again.

I heard he was out by Christmas 2020 due to good behavior and only having to serve 6months. He reached out via social media and sent a short message which said he was sorry for everything and that he wishes me the best. Contact continued for a short whilst where he would frantically bombard me with messages and voice notes of him declaring his love, but I ignored them all. The contact eventually stopped.

I found out today that he has a new girlfriend and that they are actually having a baby together. (He has been out of prison for 5months and clearly moves fast). Let me make it clear I feel nothing for him at all and I acknowledge leaving was the best thing I have EVER done and I am proud of myself. However, I surprisingly feel rather sad about the news and I can't figure out why.

Is it normal for me to carry terrible guilt for how I ended things with him? even though he was so horrible and cruel to me. I really can't imagine what it would be like to be in prison and the only person that I had to rely on turned their back on me (his family life wasn't the greatest). That's how my mind processes what I did anyway. Am I a bad person? is it normal for me to feel sad even though I've moved on and I'm doing so much better now?

Thank you.

I think you are mourning the relationship you could have had if he hadn’t been abusive and controlling. Also you may be wondering if/how he could change and have a normal relationship with someone, why couldn’t he do it with you. Maybe he got help in prison, for his anger. Maybe being in prison gave him a kick up the arse to sort his life out. You need to let go now and go your own way. Stop contact and don’t look him up.

@Doggitydog Thank you for your quick reply! I think you are right that I'm mourning the loss of the relationship I wanted. I thought I had let it all go but maybe I haven't in some ways x

I feel that it's not fair my ex gets to go on and be happy with someone else after he behaved so badly, it feels unjust - might you feel the same? Being rational I think he is abusive so he will be abusive to this woman at some point too, it's very common for abusers to move on fast, they don't know how to love so it's just a marriage of convenience for them, he won't be happy for long because he doesn't have the capability. But even so, seems unfair!

I’d save your sympathy for the poor woman who is now in a relationship with him as he sounds like an absolute dick. Don’t be sad - you’ve dodged a dangerous bullet xx

I think it's normal to feel sad, obviously there was some nice in between the bad. Abusive relationships are like a roller-coaster, with the highs making u feel absolutely amazing and the lows being hitting rock bottom. The highs can be almost like a drug, so like an ex addict you are sad about not being able to have the "highs" of the drug... That's just my take on it though x