Nothings changed

[VerbalDiahorrea]

Been with DH 15 years. Three DC primary age.
Before covid hit i was looking to separate. Id just had enough of my DH and his drinking. Over lockdown and not seeing anyone, hes kind of reined it in, although i do suspect some secret drinking eg when he comes home in the evening from work, ill generally go shop with no kids in tow and in that time im 99% sure hes had a drink or two. No evidence but when you can just tell or a glass innocently washed up on the side.

Anyway, this weekend has taken me right back to how i felt pre lockdown. Drinking all day with a couple of friends whilst they watched the football. Fine. Then later, his mum popped in. I dont know how many drinks he had by this point but all id heard all afternoon were cans being opened (sound does my head in). His mum asked him about his drinking generally and he got a bit defensive asking why she was asking. I overheard as i was in the kitchen. After everyone had gone around 11pm he started questioning me why his mum had asked all those questions and had i been speaking to her? No i hadnt but he wouldnt have it, shouting and was quite threatening (i was sober). Then went off in a huff,put music on tv quite loud which i asked he switched down and he wouldnt even tho kids were in bed. Said he didnt care, cracking another can. Said i was boring and no fun. I hate nights like that, felt like i was walking on egg shells between him and keeping kids away from it/seeing him/getting shouted at. Anyway, he clearly felt like rubbish yesterday so i made him take the oldest to a footie match!

Its bought all those feelings back for me and im not sure what to do. I just feel sick at the thought of all the potential gatherings post brexit. I like to socialise but not when everyones steaming especially with kids there.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would start thinking about firming up plans to separate.
What you're describing here is life with an alcoholic and like many posts of this type its mainly about him. All you're doing with him now is further enabling and or propping him up. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and propping him up does you no good either. You cannot help him but you can and should certainly save yourself and your kids here from this level of inherent misery in your home.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model they should be seeing here?. You seem to be as caught up in his alcoholism almost as much as he is; you're playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses (codependent partner, enabler, provoker) and you need to get off that merry go around.

Would you yourself be willing to contact Al-anon?. I suggest them too as well as seeking legal advice which you do not have to act on but knowledge here is power.

ALCOHOL. The legal drug.
Op you've gone through so much emotional trauma. I'm so sorry you and your dcs have suffered around a drunken idiot. You need to leave him and take your dcs with you by any means necessary. Give your dcs a drunken (drug ) free life. I don't like alcohol I couldn't allow it around my dcs. He will not stop he will eventually lie and hide things.
LTB

Thank @AttilaTheMeerkat ive just called Al Anon and spoke to a lovely lady. She said it sounds more like issues with binge drinking but suggested to look into relationship counselling. She suggested attending my local al anon group.

@Tomyoneandonly yes i think he wont change and i need to protect myself and kids.nothing changes if nothing changes!

Ive broached this subject with him so often over the years, when we have “the talk” its almost laughable now. My own silly fault as i dont follow through with what im saying. He behaves for a few days, then asks me if hes ok to have a drink and i feel shit because i end up policing him. I dont want this. I just want a quiet life free from alcohol

Op I really do wish you and your dcs all the best. I spent a lot of my childhood in a pub. I understand the damage Alcohol can cause. You need to be so strong. I think you are op
STILL LTDB (drunken)

Oh no no no.

That feeling, that sinking feeling in the stomach when their personality changes and the aggression shows and they’re storming around the house, raises their voice.

Urgh I couldn’t live like that, I had that once and I couldn’t do it again.

If he won’t get help then there is nothing you can do. As you’ve said, you’ve had the talk many times, you can’t keep putting threats out there and taking no action.

If this were me I would give him one last opportunity, when the kids are not and there is no other distraction and he has not been drinking I would lay it on the table that if he does not get help immediately then he / you are leaving. That you won’t be a relationship with someone who has a problem with alcohol.

Life is too precious for you to live like this, it is also potentially damaging to the kids. You’re not happy, he’s not happy. Things need to come to a head.

He drinks probably 6 out of 7 nights (but says to anyone asking its only a times a week). Probably around 4 cans a night, sometimes with a glass of wine, more on weekends. Always a reason eg stressful day/footies on/eating indian food for tea…. Has to have a beer

I feel like i do everything for the kids eg putting them to bed (otherwise he has no patience and gets shouty).

Im getting really annoyed that everytime i turn around when hes at home hes got a drink in hand. I dont want this for the kids to see as normal. i hear that ptush of the can i can feel my anger rising as thats him done with any housework/parenting for the day. Just sits there burping on the sofa watching sport

We are coming to the end of our rental agreement in this house in the next four months and im wondering if i would be seen as a complete cowbag to go ahead and find somewhere else for me and the kids just in my name. I can see i couldnt do things amicably as he wont allow that to happen. He would be ok as he has parents who would put him up until he found somewhere. I hate all confrontation and bad feeling. He just wouldnt listen tho if i tried to talk to him

We have separate money btw and both work full time

This was my childhood. My dad blaming my mum for being "boring" and insisting that if she would only join him in his drunken idiocy all would be well. She was too busy trying to keep everything calm and steady for us - but to no avail as we knew exactly what was going on.

They divorced when I was late teens/early twenties after years of us children begging her to leave. I really REALLY wish she had left when we were little, as being brought up in that environment caused untold damage. My youngest sister in particular was really impacted by it all and still resents my mother for not being stronger. It's such a shame as she was such a "mummy's girl" growing up and my lovely mother is wracked with guilt about it all.

You and your DC deserve better. I hope you find the strength to leave.

Obviously, there is his problem with alcohol, but also the issue that you are doing all the parenting. You are a single parent at the moment, so it will be no different on your own.
Look into getting somewhere with the children. He needs to sort himself out. You've tried talking and it's got you nowhere.
You sound a little scared about breaking away on your own, which is understandable. Is there anyone who can act as a mediator ( one of his parents?), for when you break the news to him. It will have to be when he's sober, obviously. I don't know the best time to do this ; others may have better advice.
I wouldn't give him another chance, but set him free to get healthy. The ball's in his court.
Best of luck, and keep looking forward. In 6 months time, you could be living the life you want and deserve.

all id heard all afternoon were cans being opened (sound does my head in)

I would be very surprised if your kids didn't have similar reactions to that sound, even if they also hide it.

We are coming to the end of our rental agreement in this house in the next four months and im wondering if i would be seen as a complete cowbag to go ahead and find somewhere else for me and the kids just in my name.

I think that would be the best thing you could do.

What you imagine other people may or may not think about you protecting your children and yourself is not relevant.

He won't change and he won't facilitate you leaving, so you need to draw on your courage and the knowledge that leaving is necessary for your children and be the one to make it happen.

If not now, when?

Another one here who spent their childhood in exactly this situation which eventually became full blown alcoholism.
Your children will undoubtedly know what is happening if they don't already.
You are unhappy, your kids will be unhappy and when you add it all up, your Dp will be spending a sizeable chunk of family money on alcohol.
Speaking from personal experience, this won't get better until you leave. Look for somewhere else, you and your kids deserve so much more 💐

How do you cope op? A kinda single parent a full time job and a drunken bastard DH? You deserve a medal 🏅

I think the rental agreement being up in 4 mths is your golden opportunity to get out and start afresh. You deserve it. Start getting your ducks in a row - look for another property nearer the time.
I think you'd be wasting your time giving him any more chances.

Thank you everyone for your input. I think im going to get myself sorted and look for somewhere separate. I just hate being the baddy and upsetting people (him/kids/his parents). I have to do whats best. I feel sick at the thought of this being the rest of my life with him x

@VerbalDiahorrea, you are not the baddy and you are doing the best thing, not just for your kids but for you.
They deserve a happy mum and you deserve to be happy.