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Original poster

14 year old DD and MH. Is now the time to get professional help?

16 replies

TobleroneBreakfast · 17/05/2021 09:57

Hi,

I have a 14 year old DD who is likely to be on the autistic spectrum. So far she has been able to get adequate support when needed without a diagnosis. If she is on the spectrum, she would be on the milder end and hadn't needed any extra help or intervention for a couple of years and has been getting on well.

She has struggled with friendships and has only just got a group of friends over the past 2-3 years. I was of course over the moon for her, but this past year has really taken it's toll on pretty much all of their MH and quite a few of her friends are even reguarly expressing suicidal thoughts and self harm. There are one or two friends who I believe are just following suit and are just wanting to be caught up in some of the drama.

My DD is now doing the same and I don't know the next steps to take, if any. She keeps throwing in comments, such as she doesn't deserve to be happy and she doesn't deserve these friends. Last night she went up a gear and started saying that she didn't want to be here anymore and has definitely been more tearful recently. Eventually, after a very long conversation, she actually said that she just wants to be like her friends, but does genuinely have very low/dark feelings. I believe that she does.

When she talks about MH, her voice changes and she isn't really her iyswim. She is being someone else. Mimicking what she has seen from friends and from YouTube too no doubt. There seems to be a trend and whereas I know it's so important that people are able to feel free to talk about their feelings, the conversation seems relentless and constant. I'm really starting to believe it's doing more harm than good.

I'm so torn as to what to do. Shall I just continue to monitor? Call the school? Call the GP?

My gut is that she's just trying to fit in, but at the same time is struggling, just maybe not to that extent.

We have a good relationship thank goodness and I'm glad she feels she can talk to me, but whereas, yes, I know her best, I'm not a professional, but then does she actually need a professional?

Advice on this would be very much appreciated.

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

TobleroneBreakfast · 17/05/2021 10:37

Anyone?...

OP posts:

MinesAPintOfTea · 17/05/2021 10:40

Now is when you speak to your family GP/the school nurse. Get concerns on record, see if school can help access counselling etc

Given the year everyone has had, having someone to talk feelings through with can only be helpful. It also shows her that you take MH concerns seriously.

flashylamp · 17/05/2021 10:42

If she is on the spectrum, she would be on the milder end

That's not how it works.

Why is she not being assessed?

ASDmum2 · 17/05/2021 10:45

Does she want to see anyone? Start from there, fruitless to find a therapist if she's unwilling.

If your daughter is willing, then in your position I would try to sort out some therapy for her - we were living in blissful ignorance for several years, not knowing that our daughter was autistic and struggling massively. She only got help after we reached a crisis point. She too has a small friendship group, all of whom have MH issues :(

Not that that is going to happen to you! just something I wish with hindsight that we had been able to spot earlier. If your DD will accept some outside help, try a few sessions at least

mummyof4kids · 17/05/2021 10:49

I'd contact the GP
I'm currently waiting for a call back from our GP for my 16 year old who has been having suicidal thoughts. She has a small friendship group too but none of her friends suffer from MH as far as I'm aware.
As a pp said contact the gp and get it on record

Sunnyshores · 17/05/2021 11:11

From my experience there seems to be social contagion at this age. There always was to some degree, its an unsettling time for all adolescents. But today it seems complicated by MH, gender, identity issues..

My DD is on the spectrum and apparently this predisposes them to MH issues. But the condition also exacerbates the need for them to fit in, the tendency for them to copy behaviours and thoughts of their friends. My DD has spent copious amounts of time researching and obsessing over the issue.

My DD is seeing a counsellor for anxiety (in practice its covering depression, confusion, friendship issues etc). I booked this privately. Im not sure what help there is through the NHS. Maybe try her school pastoral team?

But in answer to your question, yes - you should try and find some support for her.

Best wishes to your DD

crosshatching · 17/05/2021 11:23

Hi OP, you might find looking at the Future Learn website useful. They have some courses designed for young people 14+ on mental health (under the psychology and health section). There are also courses on Young people mental health and Covid that you may find useful. The courses are all free and could at least help you both have some useful conversations about the subject.
I have a son with ASD who has had issues with mental health. I always think that these are useful things to learn about as a teen rather than get floored by them as an adult. Young Minds also have lots of helpful resources available on their website. The best thing I think you can do is keep conversation going, de-escalate where you can and help your daughter develop a dialogue for how she's feeling. Reassure her that she's loved and that no matter how big or scary her feelings are, they are just feelings and will come and go.
All best.

Original poster

TobleroneBreakfast · 17/05/2021 14:15

Thanks for all the replies.

I am going to speak to her tonight and see how she feels about talking to the school counsellor. She used to talk to the SSO when she first started secondary, but thankfully quickly settled in, so that stopped after a couple of months.

I just feel I'm on a knife edge. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision. I worry that this is really just about wanting to fit in with the other girls. Saying that, I have no doubt she's feeling low.

OP posts:

crosshatching · 17/05/2021 14:26

Op is she on the school's SEN radar? It might be worth speaking to the Senco. Are you going through the diagnostic process with your GP?

flashylamp · 17/05/2021 14:35

@TobleroneBreakfast

Thanks for all the replies.

Is there any reason she is not being assessed for ASD?

If she is autistic, she will benefit from the right type of help and understanding for the mental health issues that are cropping up.

It's not uncommon for women to be diagnosed late in life after years of failed mental health intervention.

MinesAPintOfTea · 17/05/2021 14:50

What do you feel will go badly if she talks to a counsellor and has been exaggerating how she feels to you/her friends? It’s a bit of time each week to figure out what is going on in her head, not anything that will damage her. If a counsellor feels that it is peer pressure pushing her that way then they can work on that with her.

SwordofGryffindor · 18/05/2021 23:51

GP and get a referral to a psychiatrist

category12 · 19/05/2021 06:10

I think minesapintoftea makes a lot of sense.

I don't think you should wait until there's some definitive action from your dd to get her some support.

I don't know much about ASD but isn't it (at least one of the stereotypes) that they tend to be quite literal? So I would be worried that she's actually more likely to follow through or self-harm than her peers.

14Tealights · 19/05/2021 06:31

Also do speak with school. They need to be aware that this is going on. She won't be stigmatised for it - as you see yourself, it is common at this age and they will have encountered it before.

AgentJohnson · 19/05/2021 06:38

I just feel I'm on a knife edge. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision. I worry that this is really just about wanting to fit in with the other girls.

I’m sensing a reticence about your DD needing support.

Even if this is her way of fitting in, it’s bloody unhealthy and she needs support. If your DD is on the spectrum then the more you and she knows about herself, the better.

You are right, you’re not a professional and if you DD has opportunities to talk to one, then take it.

unicornsarereal72 · 19/05/2021 07:24

You need to see what your dd wants to do. Your options are

School counselling if available.

Gp for support. They will bat you to camhs. Who are drowning right now. I am Waiting for a call back from last year the last time my ds self harmed.

Charity counselling in your area. I found a very supportive organisation to support my ds. They were able to take him on quickly and offer long term support. Unlike the six weeks we got at camhs 3 years ago.

I'm on the fence with a diagnosis. Ds has asd/adhd. School were and are supportive regardless. I hope that it helps ds understand his differences

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