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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you think my lack of self esteem and social awkwardness comes from this or is just the way I am?

20 replies

lionslive · 17/05/2021 00:19

When I started secondary school everyone was placed in form groups with 2-3 of their best friends from primary school. Within a couple of months my two best friends had made friends with new girls and ‘dumped’ me - there was no big argument and they never told me I did anything wrong but they used to hide from me, run away, refuse to sit next to me, blank me, get other girls to say they wouldn’t be friends with me with and no one liked me etc etc until I eventually accepted it and just stopped trying.

I did make some friends with people in other forms so I had friends in some classes but I wasn’t allowed to transfer so for 5 years in all my classes with my form I was basically ignored by everyone and sat alone (I was never physically hurt or ‘seriously’ bullied but it was made clear no one in my form liked me. I think it was just a mean girls type of thing that they’d decided I wasn’t cool enough)

Now, this was years ago and I don’t generally think about it any more but I do think i still have low self esteem, I don’t find it easy making friends and my default assumption is that people won’t like me. I always tend to feel a bit of an outsider in group situations and like people probably don’t want me around.

Is this normal? Any ideas on how I can work on getting over this, whatever the reason?

OP posts:

Original poster

lionslive · 17/05/2021 00:20

I feel like this must be such a common thing and that it was so long ago I should not have let it affect me like this

OP posts:

eepeep · 17/05/2021 00:23

That's horrible. The adults in your life should have helped you through that situation, they let you down.

It does seem from a common sense perspective that your awful experience with friends has made it hard for you to make friends as an adult. Have you ever had counselling? That's certainly the kind of thing you could work through with a professional.

I do think that some fears and nervousness around being liked and included are within the range of normal. But if it's stopping you from enjoying friendships or being social then it could be worth working on with someone.

I am sure you're a lovely person!

Titsywoo · 17/05/2021 00:27

Following this as the same thing happened to my DD. She is 16 and just about to leave secondary and I am praying that she makes some good friends at sixth form college. These things can stick with us OP but please remember you are worthy and the actions of immature teens are not going to be the same as adults.

duffmcstockings · 17/05/2021 00:30

I feel like I went through something similar, if there was no one else around they would be my friend, if they were together they would hide from me, steal my bag and hide it. Misdirect me. All kind of nebulous, but cruel. I try and remember now they were also young teens, trying to fit in, and they probably look back now and know they were dicks sometimes.

ferando81 · 17/05/2021 00:32

The fact that you still talk about it shows that it has in all likelihood contributed to your low self esteem.Logically you can rationalise that your friends were extremely immature and would be horrified if their insensitivity was pointed out to them now but that doesn’t take away the pain .
I sometimes think low self esteem is more to do with intelligent people observing what the inflated esteem that arrogant big heads have and think “I don’t want to be like that “-so they keep a low profile which can lead to lower confidence

duffmcstockings · 17/05/2021 00:33

When I got older and prettier, I had more confidence, and if I look back now, I have my own period of being a dick. I guess it is all part of growing up.

Original poster

lionslive · 17/05/2021 00:34

No I have not had any counselling, maybe I need to look into that.

No adults have treated me in the same way in the many years since which is partly why i'm questionning why I still let that one experience have such an impact

OP posts:

Sakurami · 17/05/2021 00:40

That's vile op. Hugs.

I was picked on a bit at school but my friends remained my friends and that helped. Must have been really horrible spending 5 years in a form with kids like that.

Aria999 · 17/05/2021 04:05

That's awful. I don't know how they can live with themselves, what a horrible thing to do.

I wouldn't be surprised if it has put a dent in your self esteem. Like a bad experience with dating can.

However you did make other friends - it's clearly not really about what you are like, it says more about them. If I knew someone had behaved that way I would not want to know them.

lothermand · 17/05/2021 06:38

@lionslive I can so identify with what you have described, yet my experience took place in primary school. I was 'friends' with two girls (the infamous threes a crowd) and they would gang up on me, then fall out with each other, and want me to be their friend.

I have had low self esteem for many years since (I'm old) and I can recall this situation like it was yesterday.

Luckily, for me, I am tall which, appears to reflect (evidently) that you are confident

I think I've been angry for many years OP, all down to what happened in primary. I have had a little bit of counselling, I also have some great friends, who are insightful (like myself) who make me feel good. I suggest you have counselling, it will help you pick apart your feelings.

I can categorically say this though, you were/are not unlikeable. Kids want to fit in, they'll do whatever it takes to do it too, they are incredibly selfish.

Please feel free to DM me, I really do understand your pain

MoreAloneTime · 17/05/2021 06:44

These experiences do influence how you approach the world and other people. You were at that age between childhood and adulthood which can be really formative and the adults responsible let you down big time. I'd consider some form of counselling to help you process this

coodawoodashooda · 17/05/2021 07:40

Omg i have been thinking similar about my life lately.

CaptainCorelli · 17/05/2021 09:19

This has happened to DD too, to the extent that we have taken her out of school to do her GCSEs. She is so much happier! I’m sorry that happened, but don’t let it rule your whole life. I’m hopeful that DD will leave the experience behind her and move on.

Phoenix121 · 17/05/2021 10:13

I think it's more than likely that those experiences in your formative years made you the person you are today. You didn't 'let' that experience have such an impact: that experience had such an impact. Can you remember being different in primary school? With counselling and effort you can turn this around. Rather than questioning yourself about whether people like you or not, turn it around: do you like that other person? Do you find them to be the sort of person you would like to spend time with.

MoreAloneTime · 17/05/2021 10:22

I agree, you don't get to choose what has an impact on you growing up. At this age I remember it as learning what's not safe which probably is a useful developmental stage for adulthood when it's actual dangers but for me it was also things like approaching people isn't safe because of the rejection and humiliation which I've carried to adulthood.

Faith50 · 17/05/2021 11:00

OP I believe your experiences at school have helped to shape who you are now. I had similar experiences and struggle with friendships. I only meet friends individually as I avoid any form of groups. It eradicates me feeling on the outside which occurred a lot at high school due to bullying and friends spitefully easing me out of friendship groups.

Phoenix121
Thank you for your wise words "you do not 'let' your experiences impact you". You truly have no say in the matter. For years, in fact decades I was angry (to the verge of self-hate) with myself for 'allowing' my peers to bully me. I felt weak, pathetic and worthless. I did not invite my peers to bully me, I did nothing to aggravate them.

Original poster

lionslive · 22/05/2021 15:36

@Phoenix121

Yes, thank you for this, I tend to blame myself for 'letting' things have an impact when it's not as simple as this

OP posts:

Paranoidmonkey · 22/05/2021 21:36

I can really relate to this. We moved so I went to high school with no friends from primary school. Everyone was already in really set friendship groups so I ended up in a smaller group with some (in hindsight) really horrible girls who were not really my people. By the time I broke away from them I was painfully shy and just tried to make myself invisible. I definately think this has had an effect on me and I have always struggled to connect and make friendships. I think partly because I have no time for shallow connections and don't give much away unless I feel safe. I think my confidence is improving as I get older but takes alot of work and have to keep my thoughts in check if that makes sense.

Paranoidmonkey · 22/05/2021 21:38

Also to add I find some of brenee browns books / talks on shame and vulnerability really helpful.

lljkk · 22/05/2021 21:42

How big was your secondary school -- very small? Is that why you had the exact same classmates for every single lesson, 5 days a week?

It is very common that best mates in primary school stop being best mates in secondary, but quite unusual to have the exact same classmates in every single lesson, 5 days a week.

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