DH working away from home 3 days, what should he do when home?

[PurplePrincess31]

My DH sometimes works away from home 3 days/nights a week, I work part time with school age DC, what would you think was reasonable for him to do on the days when he is there?

Depends. Does he work when he is not a work for three days? Does he help with the childcare when at home? Do you earn a good wage together?

Too many variables

It would be reasonable for him to do no less than a single man, living alone (in a clean house, not a bachelor hovel)

He works from home the other two days. He does help in the morning and bedtime. He does cook sometimes and usually does some food shopping if not done online but doesn’t do any washing, ironing, cleaning etc, so not as if he doesn’t do anything.

My DH works away.
His own laundry (from away) cleaned, dried, sorted & repacked within 24 hrs of arriving. He has a whole set of work clothes that I don't have to do.
(Nobody irons here.)
Either prep and cook main family meals or clean & tidy after on home days.
Sorts own breakfast and dinner and keeps dishwasher going.
Full on 50% childcare including playtime & school runs
Food plan and delivery is organised while he's away but extra trips to supermarket & DIY stores and such errands are on him.
Facilitates DC visit to his family (I go too but he organises it)
Active listening and buy-in to plans and admin for family organisation (I'm in charge) and related tasks as assigned.
Cleans up after himself indoors and does "outdoor" chores.
Equal opportunity for moaning and laughing.

If DH cooks I usually clean up, if I cook I usually clean up. He leaves his stuff all round the house yet moans I’m untidy but it’s me that has to clean up after everyone. I still help with bedtime/reading when he’s there even though I do it myself when he’s away. He did do quite a bit of cooking the other week as he was home but he moaned and kept making reference to it. If I say anything he says he’s working not on holiday, I know he is busy and stressed but at least he has a break from the daily routine.

You need the same number of hours down time. I’m guessing he gets to relax in a hotel while away and your doing childcare

Too many variables.

"I work PT" can mean anything from 1 - 35 hours a week.
Him working FT might be as little as 35/36 hours or as many as 60.

From your posts, it does sound as if he does contribute what seems a reasonable amount, but that you perhaps have different levels of tidiness tolerance ?

Just wondered if I’ve done bedtime 3 nights is it reasonable to think he could do it a couple of nights without me being involved?
And to think he could help clean up after tea?

Sit and work out how many hours down time you have each per day and per week. That will show you how best to create balance.

Work, time with children, time cleaning, food shopping, gardening and paying bills is all task orientated around the home or workplace.

How much time do you both have child free without work or cleaning or shopping or paying bills

He can’t do anything when he’s away so you’re stuck with doing everything at those times and you need to accept that.

When he is home, I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to do more than you to compensate for his absence.

So the being away 3 days a week is irrelevant, IMO.

What you need is an equal share when he is home.

I work part time with school age DC

Primary or secondary? You mention doing bedtime so I'm guessing primary?

It’s certainly not OK for him to be criticising your tidiness levels if he’s not pulling his weight and I’d be making that clear very forcefully each and every time he dared to utter a word of criticism.

I do except that, is doing some shopping, cooking a few meals and helping with DC an equal share, that’s what I’m asking really.

We can't know if it's an equal share unless you can tell us the work hours. If you work 10 hours in the week and he works 60, for example, then there shouldn't be much left over for him to do.

His normal hours are around 37, sometimes he does more. I do 15 at the moment, so before everyone starts having a go I accept and do do the housework, it would just be nice as I said above if he could help clean up tea things, tidy up after himself and see to the kids a bit more.

Him doing a bit of tidying up isn't going to solve the real issues here is it?

To me it sounds like you feel unfulfilled and unhappy with your situation. No number of random people on the internet telling you how much washing up their OH does will help.

Denver, Yes you’re probably right.

On your latest update he should def be either cooking or clearing up after. Why do you help at bedtimes. Just leave him to it, he is a parent too. When he's away he will be chilling in the evenings so you do the same, go to the gym, for a walk whatever just do something for you.

Leaving stuff around, sounds exact like mine sometimes, I've taken to dumping it by his side of the bed. He soon took the hint.

I'd expect you both to do 50/50 child rearing and housework, cooking etc when you are both at home. When you're at home on your own and your dh is at work, you do 100%, and when your dh is at home and you're at work he does 100%.

Whoever cooks, cleans after.
He does the other two bedtimes during the week. Share the weekend.
He obviously tidies up after himself, not leaving his things everywhere. Selfish manchild.
Whenever he makes reference to doing something, look at him confused and ask if be wants a medal for being an adult. Dickhead.

And for the love of God, get a hobby on one of the the nights he is home. Try Anything.

He should always be pickup up after himself - you're not a maid service.

On the days he works away, I would expect you to sort out the childcare and chores (for practical reasons), but on the days he's at home I would expect a fair split.

You should have the same amount of leisure time when you are both home.

I would expect that as he is out of the home 3 days/nights a week, he'd want to actively engage with DCs whilst home so 3 bedtimes a week with them and alternate the 4th or he does it. Then some household chores as well.

I'm assuming early primary age children as you mention bedtimes.
Mornings (depending on how the timings work), evening and weekends should be shared. I'd get him to focus on childbased things as he doesn't see them for half the week (that's how I sold it to my DH anyway!)
But you should get the bulk of the "big" household tasks done during the week as you work such fewer hours.
If the DC are moving towards older primary, they should be taking on more of a share of household jobs (e.g. they can tidy up after tea) which will reduce the number of jobs that need adults to do!

OP, what is the real issue here? You sound unhappy and looking at household chores to vent at. What’s the deal with your marriage, is it ok? Do you have fun? Is he otherwise good as a husband and father?