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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trans child

17 replies

Florist1970 · 16/05/2021 23:06

I'm breaking my heart at the moment to know what to do. My child has been transgender for quite a bit, she is 24 and wants to present as male for the last five years. I have absolutely no problem with this, I support her/him I want what is best for them. My worry is they have completely cut off from life. Just sit in the bedroom, online life at night, they don't want to participate in real life. I've tried to talk to her/him and said I will support them in transitioning, but nothing ever happens. I feel so helpless as a Mum,

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 16/05/2021 23:24

Wow sounds very tough op. I can't give any advice e having a 1 year old but hopefully someone with experience will be along soon Flowers

WiltingAtTreadmills · 16/05/2021 23:26

There's an lgbt kids section - you might get better advice posting there Flowers

aweegc · 16/05/2021 23:52

It's great you support your child. It sounds like your child isn't actually ready to have a double mastectomy and take hormones that permanently breaks the voice.

In reality though this isn't a child. You have an adult sitting at home online every evening. Is it possible that there's depression or past trauma involved here? Or is the fear of the change so large that it's easier to hide?

The bottom line is that your child is in pain. I would approach this like anybody else who is in pain. Trans or not, firstly you have an unhappy adult at home.

I can't imagine how stressful this is for you. Strength to you.

PermanentTemporary · 16/05/2021 23:55

That sounds incredibly hard.

What about contacting your own GP, for you? They might have advice for your child but you sound isolated dealing with this too.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 17/05/2021 00:01

Could you pay for some therapy sessions, even if they are on line to try and break the cycle?

TofuQuinoaKale · 17/05/2021 00:02

Your son sounds very depressed and I'm need of support, whether or not he chooses to go down the medication route and/or have top surgery.

Not everyone wants to medically transition. Likewise, some feel on the fence, or feel ashamed for wanting it.

The best thing you can do for your son right now is to encourage him to speak to his GP. And encourage him to come out with you, now that restrictions are lifting.

And he needs to know you love him however he identifies.

WiltingAtTreadmills · 17/05/2021 00:07

The brilliant thing about gender is that it doesn't have to mean changes to bodies - things have moved on from the 'transsexual' 'operation' kind of thinking. Trans men or non-binary people can totally have breasts, or present as anything they like, it doesn't make them any less male - they will be welcomed as men by people who understand this. Gender identity is something inside you (so I'm told - if you have one) and it's not superficial or dependent on appearances.

PPs are right though, they seem depressed and I think this is the most urgent thing to address.

pointythings · 17/05/2021 09:42

I think the most important thing here is to address the deep mental health issues. Carry on supporting your son and work on those first - whatever he decides to do going forward, it needs to come from a place where he is mentally well and happy.

Lockeddown88 · 17/05/2021 09:48

There is actually a talk section for this under parenting - you may find that more helpful as lots of parents in similar situations

Whatsthatspookynoise · 17/05/2021 09:51

I have a couple of trans friends and most of them have suffered through depression, as I'm sure you can imagine it's difficult for them to feel they aren't in the right body.

The most important thing is therapy. You can find therapists that specialise in Gender Identity and it has helped my friends tremendously.

You are doing a good job as a mum to support your child. If they identify as male, make sure you call them "him" etc. It can really affect people transitioning to be misgendered or when you call them by their old name. It's hard for us to understand as we aren't going through this personally. I'm just offering advice from what I've learnt from my friends and research on the subject.

I hope they are okay and I'm sending my love. x

SwordofGryffindor · 18/05/2021 04:11

I think it comes from the very obvious thing in your post. He / She.

You said he identifies as male but you keep referring to him as he / she ? You need to accept he is male. Maybe look at getting a psychologist for yourself too ?

He also hasn't been dealing with this for 5 years. Its been his whole life. People are born trans. Get educated and just be there for him 💗💗

Pinkpaisley · 18/05/2021 04:30

Is your child working, going to school, paying rent? You aren’t doing your child any favors by allowing them to avoid the basic responsibilities of life. If your child is not working, I would set a deadline for employment and paying rent or a need to move out. It mental illness is truly preventing employment, then require active engagement with mental health support as a condition of continuing to live at home.
Gender identity is really a non-issue here. It doesn’t matter how your child chooses to identify. Your child must become an independent adult and that might require a firm
push from you.

drpet49 · 18/05/2021 06:29

* My worry is they have completely cut off from life. Just sit in the bedroom, online life at night, they don't want to participate in real life.*

^Your “child” is 24. Time for you to cut the purse strings.

Chipsandchesses · 19/05/2021 22:32

@SwordofGryffindor OPs son isn’t “male”

Male is a sex. Not a gender identity. Your snipe about OP getting a psychologist is unhelpful especially when it seems that it is the daughter who needs help as certainly sounds like depression.

OP - what do they do for money? When did they last go to the doctors? Do they have friends etc?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/05/2021 22:47

@SwordofGryffindor

I think it comes from the very obvious thing in your post. He / She.

You said he identifies as male but you keep referring to him as he / she ? You need to accept he is male. Maybe look at getting a psychologist for yourself too ?

He also hasn't been dealing with this for 5 years. Its been his whole life. People are born trans. Get educated and just be there for him 💗💗

OP doesn’t have to accept that her child is male. She can accept that they identify as a man, but male and female are sexes not genders. OP’s child was born female and will always be female regardless of gender identity or presentation.

OP your child has gone down an internet rabbit hole and convinced themselves that if only they changed gender their whole life would be better. Unfortunately this isn’t always the case. Without changing their life in many other ways - a fulfilling job, hobbies, friends etc - nothing will change and that dissatisfaction they feel will persist.

Please support your child to get unbiased support - potentially anti depressants etc - to help them get out of the funk they’re in. Then the gender identity part can be dealt with from a place of mental stability.

SwordofGryffindor · 19/05/2021 23:34

@MarkRuffaloCrumble Oh look at your transphobic comment 🙂 He idenifies as male and that is that. I work in endocrinology thank you very much.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/05/2021 23:49

It’s not transphobic.

How can you work in endocrinology and not know the difference between male and female? Confused

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