How do you hold onto yourself when living with an abusive person

[fryday]

I've had to move in with my sister for a few days due to a family member's health issues

She treats me (and everyone else in her household) like shit on her shoe

I haven't really seen her properly in 3 years and it feels like all the careful work I've done to build myself up inc therapy etc is just being dissolved

I feel like absolute shit about myself. You wouldn't believe the scale of the contempt, being shouted at, being spoken to like nothing, below the belt barbs

I'm here for another couple of days at least, there's no way out of that

My mother is here too, haven't seen her either properly for thee years and we were starting to build back our relationship via Skype

My sister treats her like shit and she in turn treats me like shit

Making sure we all don't cross my sister

I feel like nothing again and am trapped, for financial and some other reasons after this I have to go back and live with my parents for a bit

It's like nothing changed

Even when I leave I know her contempt for me will still live in my body and mind and I am already believing her version of me again

I feel like a nobody and a nothing

I should add the abuse has been lifelong and is why I tried to remove myself from her life

We would probably have no relationship, but for her children, who I adore

Please, somebody

I can't bear it and I don't know how I can hold onto myself

I'm so sorry OP and I hope someone who knows better than me comes along soon.

You said you've done lots of work in therapy - can you go through that again? Find some quiet time to recall and examine everything you've learnt?

Are you able to get away? Just for walks to clear your head and give yourself some space?

Best wishes, OP xx

I suppose I’d try to cling on to 2 positives. 1 - it’s only for a few days. 2 - it will confirm to you that NC was definitely the right decision!

Lots of tidying the garden and long walks for now?

Thank you both

I have no autonomy. Any answer they don't like they repeatedly belligerently question me like I am an incompetent two year old til they get the answer they want. Whatever I say, however neutrally i say it gets an eyeroll or a puffed sigh of contempt. If I don't answer I get the huff, if I do whatever I say is wrong. They are squeezing me out of decisions regarding our family member by making out as if I am an incompetent uneducated idiot. Sibling speaks to me like shit, like i am les than nothing.

I adore the children and haven't seen them in a long time so spend the days with them which forces me to interact with sister and mother

If I go back to my parents' house i will feel I am abandoning the beloved relative and the decisions made here. The children would be upset also

I feel exhausted and heartbroken, I would rather be physically punched and kicked than go through this torture. no place in the house and no degree of triviality in the interaction protects me from an unleashed diatribe. sibling - i was away from them for three years and never saw anyone speak to anyone else the way she speaks to me, acts around me, etc. i can't describe it. i can't begin to describe it. imagine someone who hates every bone in your body and is dead set on destroying your sense of self. that comes close. whether by a focussed jet stream of vitriol or total ignoring. in the past she used to barge me, and indirect physical violence like being forced to get out of her car in the middle of nowhere if i said something she didn't like. when she is in a good mood she will be nice for five minutes a couple of times a day. there is no civility, no respect, she can accelerate to speaking to me like shit in a microsecond, apropos of nothing - and then go for a low blow as if this is some defect i have always had and will always have. my mother just passively watching this when not being on the end of it seems to cement my worthlessness

I said to my mother i was going back to the family house earlier this evening, she just repeatedly questioned me and made me know how stupid i was to do so and so forth eventually i just got worn down. i never raised my voice in three years yet this house is full of them shouting at each other, sister, and mother sometimes shouts back at her, and will shout at me

Stupid and selfish is how they see me i think, my mother talks about me 'abandoning the children' (my sister's children) when i went away

I'm in a similar situation with my partner at the moment, though I am putting things in place to leave. I found a lovely little cottage to rent online, and when he starts on me I imagine I'm there, away from all his stress and anger issues.

I'm hoping that when I have got everything sorted, that the cottage will still be available.

Good luck to you, you shouldn't have to put up with this from people you think should love you

Oh OP this sounds horrible for you. The best thing you can keep in mind is that their horribleness is a reflection on THEM not you. Let go of any notion that you can control their behaviour through the ‘correct’ responses because you can’t. You do not have to stay there but I can see why you feel you might have to. Do not feel guilty if you leave. Do not let them make you feel guilty. You are worth so much more than this x

Op, you need to leave. This will break you otherwise.

This sounds absolutely awful for you and at a time if I'm reading correctly when there is wider family illness or grief also happening.

You have survived and coped with so much and you will continue to do so, you don't lose what you have learned and overcome, you can see it clearly for what it is, it doesn't take away from how you are feeling right now that you are back in the middle of it but know you absolutely have autonomy, you have chosen to step away from them in the past, to stay with your sister in the short term and you can choose to leave.

When this situation has passed, you will find yourself again, it won't take as long as before, you will come through this, it will be ok, stay strong.

I agree with leaving as soon as you can and in the interim Ghost’s advice about creating a place internally that is yours alone and that you can mentally and emotionally take refuge in.

Ultimately though any thing you do to protect yourself while living in a toxic environment can only be a temporary measure - like a firefighter’s full body gear - it’ll protect you for a while inside a burning house - but you can’t live in it indefinitely, you have to get out as soon as you possibly can.

In the short term you need coping strategies. It isn't a question of controlling their behaviour, but you need a strategy, even if it is just to hold onto, to take back a bit of sanity for yourself.

When your sister speaks to you like that, just say calmly "Did you mean to be so rude?"

I am not much good at this verbal sparring shit but many MNetters are brilliant at it. Others may have good suggestions?

The thing is to let the light in on this behaviour. Call it, every time, for what it is, without in any way resorting to doing the same back.

When your sister speaks to you like that, just say calmly "Did you mean to be so rude?"
or maybe just nut the b1tch (j/k)
how's it going OP?