This is going to be long, I apologise in advance, I really just want to vent, like a form of therapy.
Like so many posts on here I've been dumped & finding it so hard.
Background is we've been together 4 months but known each other 40 years, we were best friends for a while, I lost touch a couple of years ago but got back in contact and realised I loved him. He said he's always loved me, I was so happy with him & secure, we were planning our future, maybe things moved fast but it felt right because we knew each other well.
I messed up, Friday night started well, dinner & drinks, then when we sat down to watch a film he was distant, his body language was off. After it finished he said he was going to bed and went upstairs to sleep in the spare room, I called to him 'are you really going to leave me like this'. I was emotional & hormonal, I put on my coat and went out the back door which I closed a bit loud, I wouldn't say slammed but it was louder than I usually would close it, I then walked round the block.
When I got back he was waiting for me. Had a bit of a talk, he mentioned aggression to me - think he was referring to my door 'slamming', he said I had made some comments that upset him, I asked for examples.....I'm always cold & he's hot, he was sweating, apparently I said something like we're mismatched, I didn't mean anything by it, I was hugging him at the time. He said I was on a mission to get drunk, it's true I was tipsy, but felt good & happy. He commented how I said I didn't want to lay my head on his shoulder because I didn't want to fall asleep, it's true, I fall asleep in that position but still wanted him to cuddle me. He said I seemed annoyed when he was trying to find a film to watch, I wasn't, I was worried I was annoying him because I'm indecisive. See all these things were misunderstandings.
I did say we can't seem to resolve this, he said I had two options, he leaves immediately or he goes in the morning, I said morning. He went upstairs, I tried to hug him but he said again about aggression and how it wasn't for him, so I left him.
I was really upset, I did something stupid, I packed his bag and left it by the back door with a note saying 'I'm still not sure what I did to upset you, I've gone for a walk'....early morning I got up and went for a long walk (I walk when I'm upset), I was scared to see him, I didn't want to say goodbye, I regret that now. When I got back he was gone.
I messaged him, apologised, I missed him, he said 'I thought you made your intentions clear when I found my bag packed, anyway you made your decision last night, I don't feel I need to be the object of that blame, I'm not angry, just don't enjoy that sort of aggression, regardless of how I feel about you'.....I apologised again, never meant to hurt him, I packed his stuff at 2 in the morning, I was emotional, he said he was leaving and I didn't want any reminders of him....I did say the word aggressive is upsetting me, I'm not that, maybe dramatic but not aggressive. He commented 'I was telling you how you came across and how it made me feel, you might think it was dramatic, your back door might not feel that way'. I explained it was late at night, he was upstairs directly over it, everything sounds louder in the dead of night.
He said 'the problem is he saw a taste of what could happen, and implied you can me with no reminders, makes me think if she can do that when it appears to be nothing, what happens when we are further down the line & it's more serious, how are you going to react then? I would prefer not to find out, those games aren't for me, it's not something I enjoy or want to be part of'
I said I could never erase him, I'm sorry he didn't want to give us a chance, I don't play games. Nobody is perfect, we all have our faults, I made a mistake, we have to accept each other, learn from things and work through life. It's the happiest I've been in a long while and I will try to hold onto that.
He's no longer replying
Obviously I'm devastated, this is my fault, I messed up and did some stupid things which I hate myself for, I've lost the love of my life. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this, he was not only my partner but a close friend, we have so much history. I feel terrible about myself, I've destroyed my future and life seems pretty pointless to me now. I'm not sure what to do.