I am going through the worst period in my life – depression, lost job, sever heart break, betrayal from him, poor health plus little social interaction with Covid (in fact the thought of people returning to normal lives tomorrow makes me jealous (I have never felt this way) as there will be no change for me) plus I cannot drink to help hide the pain. it.
2.5 years ago, my ex long term partner of 18 years left me and my son following a business trip to Vietnam. Packed his bags, sold the car and everything else threw in a skip – one way ticket to Vietnam. I am not sure how I coped at that stage with a 14-year-old, big house, big garden, pets however I had energy and plodded on. Within 6 weeks had a senior job, managed to get a car (and had a driving lesson as had not driven for several years), walked the dog every day, cleaned the big house every weekend and watched TV with my 14-year-old every night. We chatted and were close. Thinking back now I was drinking a glass or 2 of wine a night and at weekends 2 bottles. It was very tough, but I did not get into depression. I had energy and my main purpose of life was to be able to keep the house, be the best mom ever and do well in my job.
My ex-partner and I trusted each other, did everything together and never went out. We seemed quite content although I used to get bored. I thought that life like this was normal and knew no different. I suppose over the years we lost our intimacy. Now I know – when he had left, I was not heartbroken, our relationship had done is course. It was very panful indeed however I kept on going and to an outsider I was fine. Looking back now my life did not change that drastically as I was used to being on my own and knew no different.
Now for the painful part. I started the online dating in November 2019 (8 months later) was not thinking about finding anyone. I met this guy in January and from a few messages on the site we ended up texting 100s of times a day. We then met and 2 days later I was totally smitten and so was he. Had never experienced anything like this at all. Complete whirl wind. Continuous texts, he was staying over and practically had his clothes here. Changed his job to be down the road (literally week 3), wanted to give me his car saying he had never felt like this or done things like that before. We had a lot in common and were very affectionate and intimate together – something I had never experienced before.
Then hit Covid and he moved in with his kids but by May he had moved all his belongings in with me. We had a great time and so did my son. He was a lively character we always had fun, we went out when we could, watched loads of movies together, danced around the house. He also had many mates and a close family and used to do quizzes online - all the things I had been missing for so many years. We both felt the buzz.
Every other weekend he would go and stay with the kids and that is when my drinking escalated being alone during Covid. My son seemed to be more interested in the Xbox at age 16 and well I felt insecure and bored but more importantly I had trust issues. He had a few friends’ weekends away too and my loneliness got worse. I was working from home at this time and live in a remote area, my car had broken down and I was stuck.
His children did come here a few times and enjoyed it initially but were unprepared to stay the night. My ex also suggested getting his own place closer to the kids, but I said it was a step in the wrong direction. I wish now I hadn’t as I see it would have been the right thing.
To get to the point, things went downhill after Christmas, arguments – things I really regret. One night when he was away with the kids, I texted him to say I couldn’t deal with it – I was doing it out of anger, I had been drinking. Something that I truly regret now. I had what I wanted and a guy I adored however I felt I had lost him. We were both very dominant characters too set in our own ways which did not help. He went on a dating site and me in my anger did too. I was only doing it through anger.
Mid-January was a blur, I spent most of it in bed. I think it was trauma. He got a flat and moved out end of the month that day was the worst of many.
I lost my job in January too, although I had to work through until March. Instead of job hunting in February I just numbed the pain of what had happened by drinking. It was not until March that I started to get interviews which I performed well in, usually getting to the final stage and 2nd place out of 2 candidates. We are now end of June and my latest feedback was that I did not sound enthusiastic.
As a result of my lack of energy I went to the doctor who took blood tests. My liver enzyme blood results came back end of February as abnormal. I gave up drinking the next day. It has made me realise that I had been using alcohol to block my thoughts and pain since my 30s. It had become a problem since Covid to overcome overwhelming issues.
March passed by and it was painful and so was April. I got used to not drinking but the texts with him continued like a knife digging each time as he shared with me the beginnings of his relationship. I went on dates too, but I was doing it to go through the motions and told him. (There again I wish I hadn’t). I asked if we could reconcile twice, and he said no. His relationship I now know started end of January before he left when he was continuously texting someone (I asked him about it and he said to stop hurting myself). I’m angry as it’s a relationship that has probably taken the whirl wind start as ours had.
I have seen him twice – once when he picked up his stuff end of February without any care in the world wanting to shake hands and 2 weeks ago when I was shopping. I had taken an anti-stress tablet and was numb to his presence. He seemed concerned about me and followed me around the shop asked if I was sleeping with my ex-partner and whether I had kissed his mate, I stupidly said I missed him and mentioned I had not had a drink since. We spoke in the car and he kissed me on the lips for a long time and then said it was a stupid thing to do and wanted to hold hands as friends, I was numb – just looked at him blankly and drove off. My last text was last week in response to the one he had sent advising that his mum had seen me and enjoyed our chat. I then deleted him as a contact.
The doctor put me on antidepressants In March and am now on my second type and 4 weeks in but with no change apart from the fact that I have even less energy and no umph anymore. My mornings are awful and normally teary and by the afternoon I am on edge (as of recent). The ruminations get worst when I know it is a weekend with her (well so says my mind).
I started psychotherapy 4 weeks ago and I understand now that there are deeply imbedded memories of my abusive and somewhat neglectful childhood which are causing some negative perceptions and also has contributed to my separation anxiety. It has been helpful (together with the self-help books) to relieve and defuse them. The pain however has become more abrupt over the last few days which seems like I have been set back and that things will never improve. I also blame myself for not being able to heal quicker as its 4 months now and my depression and feeling of loss has got no better.
I am so lost and sick of the way I feel. My ex-partner has also been back from Vietnam temporarily to help me out and feed us I just have no energy. My mornings are awful I just think about what I would have been doing if it were not for Covid – that I messed up - and the months I have lost through the depression I am in. In the afternoon reading or writing is all I can do to get solace. Please let me know your though