How to save a marriage?

[rhubarbandcusted]

Hi all, posting out of absolute desperation. I am 28, DH is 36. We have been together for 8 years, married for 2.5 and have DS who has just turned the big 1!

We have had our fair share of problems over the years, I have always complained that we don't go out on 'dates'. Alas, nothing ever changes. No real significant issues as regards to abuse. We work well as a team with looking after DS and the house, I probably do more than 50% but he does a lot. I love him, very much.

We have been sleeping in separate beds since I fell pregnant as I could not cope with his snoring, this has continued since the birth of DS despite me asking him to see GP continuously and for years now. We rarely have sex, perhaps once every couple of months - this was even the case before DS but most definitely not the case in the first few years of our relationship! Most evenings we spend separately, for me it is often because I feel totally exhausted and fall asleep early in bed whilst watching TV.

I have struggled with pre and post natal depression which I have had help for and DH has stood right by my side throughout. Now I find myself frustrated and angry at DH, mostly over the most trivial things and I snap at him. Eg from tonight, DH has been working crazy hours all weekend as 'on call'. Had just sat down to watch the footy, I was trying to mind DS (who has turned in to Tarzan), tidy up and cook the tea (burning in the oven). I shouted at DH over the tea burning because I felt like an octopus whilst he was sat on the sofa, BUT, I must stress he is exhausted after barely any sleep.

I am at a loss. I feel like I am ruining things by my constant snapping but I also feel like he has no energy to put in to us. I don't think either of us want to leave but we need a serious injection of intimacy.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions please?

Have you sat down and told him how you feel? When both of you have some downtime?

@RedStiletto yes all the time! Repeatedly over years. It's like he's all ears but no go.

Sorry no suggestions but in a very similar situation here. 2x Dc 1 and 3, neither sleep well. I BF the youngest and up a lot with him. DH does his "share" but is a lot slower than me and genuinely doesn't notice things. We've had sex once since our LO was born. I resent him as he stays up until at least 1am most nights gaming while I have to get ti bed so hardly any evening by the time kids are asleep and jobs done. I'd go mad if he was sat watching telly and I was cooking and looking after LO, tired or not. I suspect I may have PND but keep putting off going to the drs.

Can you put aside a night a week to have just for you, if there is a night your LO is guaranteed a decent bedtime? Even an hour together not watching telly.

I think these early years are gruelling and I'm just hanging on for my DC to get a little older so we have a bit less pressure on us and more time.

Hopefully someone with more wisdom will be along shortly.

@Whitelanding

Sorry no suggestions but in a very similar situation here. 2x Dc 1 and 3, neither sleep well. I BF the youngest and up a lot with him. DH does his "share" but is a lot slower than me and genuinely doesn't notice things. We've had sex once since our LO was born. I resent him as he stays up until at least 1am most nights gaming while I have to get ti bed so hardly any evening by the time kids are asleep and jobs done. I'd go mad if he was sat watching telly and I was cooking and looking after LO, tired or not. I suspect I may have PND but keep putting off going to the drs.

Can you put aside a night a week to have just for you, if there is a night your LO is guaranteed a decent bedtime? Even an hour together not watching telly.

I think these early years are gruelling and I'm just hanging on for my DC to get a little older so we have a bit less pressure on us and more time.

Hopefully someone with more wisdom will be along shortly.

@Whitelanding sorry to hear you are having similar issues! We also had a gaming issue but on the phone rather than console, we had a huge bust up over it in November last year. He was part of a community and had been for years, anyways I gave an ultimatum and it's been gone since then. DS has a fairly strict bedtime most nights but I think we are both like zombies by 8pm and just honestly can't be arsed. Could it just be the gruelling first few years?

It sounds like your relationship is built on very strong foundations. It’s clear that you love each other a lot from how you’ve described it. It might help you to feel less anxious about it if you’re able to stop thinking of it as «saving your marriage» and start thinking of it as a difficult time that will change in time as your kids get older.

My DP and I went through very rocky times when DC was 0-1. It was awful - so similar to what you describe. We sleep trained at 15 months (cry it out) and eventually got back together and I am so glad we did. Now, years later, our life together is so much less fraught, we hardly argue, have much more regular sex and really enjoy each other. I would NEVER have predicted it turning out like this.

Would you benefit from some talk therapy, together or separately? Could you agree on a weekly «date night» where you do something together like watch a film then go to bed at the same time? I know you said you’ve complained about no date nights but it could literally be takeaway and a shared film together.
Do you have a room where you could sleep once a week further away from the kids rooms? And he could do those shifts? Then you could return the favour the next night.

My advice is: Don’t expect your sex life to resolve immediately or put too much pressure around that. Just talk about how you’re feeling as regards life/your relationship/sex, put some routines in place for you as a couple and in time it might really help (as will your kids getting older and easier!)

I hope things improve for you. It sounds tough

He wouldn't be tired all the time if he could be arsed to get off his backside and see the doctor about his sleep apnoea.
A cpap machine has saved my life, I was tired when I went to bed and when I woke up before.
When you have a family you have a duty of care to them to get medical attention when you need it so you can contribute properly. I really do hate men who can't be bothered with their own health.

Nothing will change if you just continue as you are, hoping for a miracle.

If you want a date night why not arrange one yourself? Organise a babysitter, book a restaurant and take him out.

As for his snoring, it's something he has to address, and he should.

These are very hard years OP when you have little kids. Do you have family or a friend who could have your DS overnight?
We are married 20 years with two DS of 19 and 18 and we tried to have a night in a B&B or a hotel, often only half an hour away from home every 3_4 months. Just getting away from home, going to the cinema and having a takeaway in a different place seemed to connect us, if only for a night. A change of scene for you is invaluable.

stop thinking of it as «saving your marriage» and start thinking of it as a difficult time that will change in time as your kids get older

Agree with this.
Having young children is difficult. You parent well together and have a shared aim ultimately.

It’s just at the moment you are both exhausted. Keep communicating though that’s the key and remind yourself and him that you love each other.