Adult Children of Alcoholics

[ThirdTimeIucky]

After convincing myself that I had put my childhood behind me, I have finally admitted to myself that I have been completely shaped my it.

When I was small both my parents were very heavy drinkers. Being a Mum myself I not really just cannot fathom the complete lack of neglect that went with those weekend binges.

I remember as a small child checking my Mum to see if she was still alive. These are very early memories. I remember finding her in the kitchen during an argument with my Dad with a bread knife to her wrist.

Later my Dad went tee total, and things should have improved, but actually he started working away from home. Often I would have to put my mum to bed under a barrage of abuse. If I left her I also got abuse. I'd get my sisters tea. I tried to shelter her from the worst of it. We just got out of the house and stayed out. I remember screaming at my Dad because I thought he'd killed her by hitting her. My mum only stuck up for us if it meant she could get one over on my Dad. We were like pawns in a game between the pair of them. I lost count of the time one of them threatened to take us away from the other in the heat of an argument.

My Mum can be incredibly emotionally manipulative. Just recently, when we dared to disagree with her she told us that she had high blood pressure, and if she had a stroke it would be our fault. Just as the state of her marriage has always been our fault. My Dad is hugely critical, particularly to me.

I remember as a young adult. In my 20s waking up sobbing on a regular basis. I don't know why, but I knew it involved my Dad. I tried to put all those thoughts and memories to bed and built a life with my husband.

But last year my marriage broke down, and I have had to accept that behaviours I have learned, and ways I respond to people are as a result of my childhood.

I feel happiest looking after others, but also feel incredibly upset and stressed when I don't feel I'm doing enough. I'm terrified of authority figures. I cannot cope with anger or shouting. I cannot cope with criticism, I will dwell on it for days. All my life I have struggled to feel like I belong or fit in. I feel like an outsider. I pretty much always have a low level anxiety. That's just normal for me. I sometimes panic at intimacy. I panic when I feel I've let people down. I am the ultimate people pleaser. I'm convinced that people are angry with me all the time. I'm worried that if they are upset or angry it's my fault. All my adult life, I have been convinced I'm a bed person.

I feel like I have made a huge mess of my life already and I'm desperate to do something about it. Financially things are tight, so counselling would be a challenge. But I want to change. I don't want my life to be dictated by my past, but I don't know where to start.

Does anyone have any success stories, because I feel at a loss? Please help.

I’m the adult child of an alcoholic, though sadly she drank herself to death when I was in my early twenties.

You can self refer for counselling on the NHS, just google your local IAPT. And have a look for local Al-Anon meetings. It might be really healing to hear from others in similar situations, or share your own story.

What happened to you was really awful and unfair and you didn’t deserve any of it, I’m sorry ❤️

Hiya @ThirdTimeIucky another surviver here.
It doesn't sound like you've made a mess of your life at all. Relationships end, I know we tend to view it as failure but my god it's usually a good thing for the children.

Counselling definitely helps. As @FrozenCucumberPresse says try the NHS. Or save up for someone private, it's money we'll spent.
There'll be self help books that might, if you find reading useful.
But I personally find talking the best bet. Can you talk to any friends about it? Most of us have some shite in out childhoods that affect us throughout our lives, you're not alone by any stretch

Just checking in to join you. Still affects me more than Id ever realised. Especially as ny kids get into the ages where I was mistreated and to see my kids living differently.

Another survivor here, but in my case my dad was the alcoholic, mum tried to protect me from the worst of it. I rarely drink myself, I feel like I'm "on call" all the time even though my own children are now in their twenties. A misplaced/learned sense of responsibility I suppose.

I recommend self referring to a counselling service via your dr, it can help a lot.

The thing I try to remember is that the behaviours I had as a child served to protect myself, they served me well. The dangers ate no longer present, so those behaviours no longer serve me. So then I have a choice how to behave . If that makes sense?

@MamaWeasel it does make sense. Although half the behaviours I didn't even realise weren't normal, if you know what I mean.

I do know. It's so very hard. Xxx

Another child of an alcoholic OP. You've got all the traits and also sound codependent which is pretty much par for the course with Adult Children.

I'm in a rush but here is some stuff that may help:

Codependence for Dummies by Darlene Lancer
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Groups:
CoDA: codauk.org/
COA: adultchildren.org/meeting-search/

Therapy:
You want trauma focused therapy. Look around for charities and orgs that may do reduced rate.
Check out The Hub: hubofhope.co.uk/
You can self refer here: www.nhs.uk/mental-health/nhs-voluntary-charity-services/nhs-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/
Anxiety UK does cheap therapy for those earning under a certain amount. I recommend Compassion Focused Therapy from them: www.anxietyuk.org.uk/

Other things you can do:
Exercise
Stop drinking
Yoga
Meditation/Mindfulness
Healthy Eating

As well as therapy, there's a good book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that I found helpful. A lot of my weird quirks fell into place after I read that.

Hello. I don't have experience with it as such as I didn't grow up with it. But my ex was older than me by several years. (late 40s) he was in his first year of being sober when we met. Seemed really nice until you scratched the surface of his life.

He has two grown up children now aged 21 and 23. He left them as young kids around the age of 8 & 6. Three years ago they came knocking on his door after nothing for 12 years. Started a relationship with them both again. their mother supposedly was a drunk too and the girls grew up abit allover. He said to me he couldn't cope with what they went through after he left. One of his daughters had to go into like a rehab center when she came back into his life and was diagnosed with bipolar I believe. The other daughter has had a child since. She no longer speaks to him at all and he's not met her son. He claims he doesn't know why she won't speak to him anymore and claims she uses the child as a weapon (hmm)

I was with him for a year and I can honestly say that he is carnage and all that's behind him Is a trail of pain and misery. He's sober but that's as far as he's got to being a normal functioning adult. He tries I believe. He works. He takes care of his dogs. He is there for the daughter who will speak to him. But it's just phone contact. They don't seem to meet up! In every other way he's selfish. He lies and cheats. Women are toys to him. He's fallen out with his parents and siblings. He's got no friends. He's useless with money. Earns £500 a week and Still has money problems. Can't make ends meet. He's a risk taker. He's crashed cars and he's made enemies. He seems to be absolutely broken and regretful about his past. He lost his last long term girlfriend because he cheated and was always drunk. His ex wife and he still get mad and argue in texts.

Do you know what though? His daughters are both beautiful women. They really are stunning. They are smart. They are bubbly. They have gone to uni. Got jobs. Ones a mummy. I looked at them and i used to think how did two awful people create such beautiful and smart kids! . But I can only begin to imagine their pain around their childhoods and their relationships with their parents. It's just so sad and wasted.

I often think he will be an old man one day (probably sooner rather than later due to his life style) he will look back and regret all he missed out on and his choices. But also there's this other part of me that thinks, he doesn't seem to want a normal life and other than make the children, he's done nothing for them really. He perhaps will never learn how his choices have affected others. Or maybe he does but will never admit it.

It's those around the alcoholic that suffers and it can take years to get over the trauma. It's sad and so unfair as every child deserves so much better.

Just from my experience of dating one I can imagine the trauma and scars you carry from it. They just don't function well at all. My ex never went to therapy. Never went to meetings. Never had a sponsor. He fools everyone around him until they get close to him. If you get close to him he will break your heart. Because emotionally he can't give. People from a distance think he's charming. Brave. They cheer him on everytime he's another month sober. But they have no idea how much he affects people.
I will never know if he truly loved me or cared. As he was lying to me and couldn't handle normal conversations. One small thing blows him into a rage. He hates being questioned. He can't listen or show empathy. But I think in his own damaged way for a while he believed he could be with me.

I'm sorry if my post isn't very helpful. I think what I'm trying to say is its absolutely damaging and it's all on them. It really is. They are selfish and never should have been parents. You are a wonderful, normal person. Which is why you are feeling so lost. Because you just want to feel safe! You are not alone and I hope some others come along soon with better posts x

ACA is a 12 step group. Look it up? lots of support.

Just saying hi - my mum was an alcoholic. She died through alcoholism at 57. From the age of 8 I could tell if she had had a drink - I grew up never thinking I was good enough and never feeling I could rely on anyone

I am one as well and I struggle but function at the moment as I’m NC with the alcoholic parent and LC with the enabling parent (they are long divorced). I can recommend a book called How To Do The Work by Dr Nicole LePera. It’s really hard!

Look up the NACOA, they are a great group

My childhood was no where near as bad — only one parent was an alcoholic and the physical abuse was much less extreme (although it did happen). But I have struggled with exactly the same issues. Exactly the same. Knowing that the reason I struggle in these ways is due to my childhood and isn’t my fault has helped hugely, as has accepting that what went on wasn’t ok. I have done counselling, and would recommend it if you can find a way to afford it/do it through the nhs (mine was funded by work so I didn’t have that problem). I don’t know how old you are but I do sometimes think my 20s disappeared into anxiety and terrible relationships (work has always been ok). However, I’m in my 30s now and things are a lot better. I’ve talked through a lot of my issues and identified some negative patterns of behaviour which has helped me reduce them. Also I think being an ACoA has made me more empathetic and has given me an insight into people which actually makes me mature and insightful for my age — the effects are not all negative :). One of the main things counselling has helped me with is trusting my emotions and allowing them to be valid, resisting the temptation to slide off into thinking whether other people are cross/sad/need me.

I am the adult child of an abusive alcoholic father. My childhood was pretty awful. My father was extremely physically abusive to my brother and sometimes to me. I copped most of the emotional and psychological abuse, and my sister was the only one who was immune. My brother started using hard drugs when he was about twelve and, after many years in and out of prison, he is on the straight and narrow now. He is a very damaged man though.

My mother was a classic enabler, worshipped the ground my father walked on and minimised everything he did rather than protect us. Once, when I was eight and my brother was ten, my father got drunk and punched my brother several times in the face, and then tried to choke him. Mum took us to a hotel for a few nights so he could 'calm down', when we got there the manager of the hotel called an ambulance because of the state of my brother's face, and the fact that he was clearly concussed. The paramedics were both friends of my mother, and believed her when she said he had fallen off a horse. (Country town). No charges, no consequences. When we came home after two days away, my father had killed the kittens my cat had just had, in a rage while we were gone. That's the day I think both my brother and I lost all faith in both our parents and in the thought that anyone would protect us.

I think that's been what's affected me the most actually. Not being able to trust people. I have three children of my own now and I have a really hard time trusting anyone with them. My daughters are 19 and 20, and my son is 3, and I still struggle with intrusive thoughts of something happening to them, or somebody hurting them.

I've had pretty bad insomnia since I was about 8, that's continued into my adult life. The sound of a beer can opening still gives me an involuntary shudder, to this day. Certain places and smells really trigger me. Sometimes it'll come out of nowhere and overwhelm me.

I never really experienced the low self-esteem and lack of self-worth that a lot of survivors experience, though. Even as a really young child, I remember thinking that my parents were doing the wrong thing, and that they really needed to get their shit together and be better parents.

I'm a social worker now, and I work in mental health and with people with disabilities. Totally my path in life, 100% what my calling is. I know that I'd be nowhere near as insightful in my professional life if I didn't have a lived experience of trauma, abuse and my parents' experiences with substance abuse and mental health. I really struggle to maintain a relationship with my parents, who are still together, due to my childhood and the lack of trust.

@ThirdTimeIucky it's a really really fucking hard road to travel. Counselling really helped me. My own experience in my professional life has helped me immensely, but it still can be really hard to be objective about your own trauma. I also focus an incredible amount of energy and intention into positively and mindfully parenting my own children, and it's my ultimate aim to raise children who always feel safe, nurtured, listened to and loved unconditionally. Having my babies as a focus helps immensely.