Affection

[Blackbird2020]

I am struggling with my DH at the moment. We’ve been together 20 years, things maybe a little stale... but anyway... we’re working on it. I am someone who really values affection. I like the ‘I love you’s, the casual touch, a hug... the usual stuff. He CAN be like this but sometimes just withholds it for some unknown reason. He then denies it and says he did show me affection.

These are the ways in which he thinks he showed me affection today:

1. asked me if I wanted more bread put in the toaster at lunch
2. did the laundry and the hoovering
3. poured me a glass of wine At no point did he touch me or say anything affectionate whilst doing these things.

I kept trying to explain that these things weren’t showing affection, but he says for him they are. Am I in the wrong? Or is he just being bloody minded and trying to ‘win’ this argument? I’m at the point of tearing my hair out.

For the record I have explained to him what I count as affection. He just disagrees with me.

I recommend reading the book The Five Love Languages, to understand how you both like to be shown love. For some it’s acts of service, others like you, physical touch.

Those could be ways of showing affection, yes. My exh would never do that kind of thing, and it feels nice now that my bf will make me a cup of coffee and bring it to me in bed: I see that as him being affectionate.

You want to be hugged, touched and told loving words - if you ask for that specifically, rather than arguing pedantically about what counts as being affectionate, will he give you those things?

I was literally just about to say what the first poster said! The 5 love languages is on YouTube as an audio book so u could listen to it for free. I didn't agree with the religious side of it but the basic message of the book is very good and I'd really recommend it. Also google the 5 love languages website as it has a quiz u can do.

Thank you everyone. I’ll look into it. I think we both need some help understanding each other right now!

@ravenmum
You want to be hugged, touched and told loving words - if you ask for that specifically, rather than arguing pedantically about what counts as being affectionate, will he give you those things?

The thing is I do tell him calmly, lovingly and specifically. I explain it, I also show him, and I give him loads of examples etc. but he either just doesn’t get it or will do it for about 24hrs and then completely forget again

@Blackbird2020

Thank you everyone. I’ll look into it. I think we both need some help understanding each other right now!

@ravenmum
You want to be hugged, touched and told loving words - if you ask for that specifically, rather than arguing pedantically about what counts as being affectionate, will he give you those things?

The thing is I do tell him calmly, lovingly and specifically. I explain it, I also show him, and I give him loads of examples etc. but he either just doesn’t get it or will do it for about 24hrs and then completely forget again

Hi OP, Sorry but I’m going to be blunt, when you say “calmly, lovingly and specifically, I explain it”, you are actually just nagging him to change who he is to satisfy what you want, and who wants to be nagged daily

as others say, you need each need to learn each other’s language.

Sounds to me like he’s doing a pretty good job, making you breakfast, pouring you wine, doing the washing and housework, loads of the posters on this forum complain that their partners don’t do those things.

Unfortunately I think you’re the one being bloody minded, but I’m sure someone will say I’m wrong

@JustAnotherOldMan

I think a lot of problems in relationships arise when what one person sees as communication, is defined as ‘nagging’ by the other person. Whatever ‘nagging’ is. That’s the beginning of the end in my book...

DH doesn’t see it as nagging. We just struggle to understand each other sometimes. I think you are projecting your own experiences on my situation.

Anyway, it’s not daily. It probably gets brought up about once every few months when things get particularly bad.

We are doing our best to meet somewhere in the middle, but sometimes we hit a wall, like today. I accept him for who he is, but would like a little effort every now and then, and he accepts me, and with that understands I can be more vocal about the things that make me unhappy.

But what effort are you making ?

Relationships are about give and take, each person making an effort.
Sounds like you want him to make all the effort

Huh? You sound quite combative? Why?

I am posting about a specific topic regarding our perspectives on affection, and the different needs we have as individuals.

In some areas of our relationship he is making an effort, and in others I am making an effort. That’s how we appreciate each other.

@CrystalMaisie

I recommend reading the book The Five Love Languages, to understand how you both like to be shown love. For some it’s acts of service, others like you, physical touch.

Totally -read this book

I agree with others that you need to discuss each others love language. It sounds like while you like to be shown love through physical affection and saying I love you his way is by doing things he considers thoughtful and ways he is thinking of you. I would read up further on it and maybe look into couples counselling so you can explore further

Some ppl just aren't that affectionate doubt you'll change him

It could be ways of showing affection to him - but it’s important to show affection the way your partner needs it (which applies to both of you) so that’s the next thing to discuss.

Ordered the book .

At the end of the day I don’t want to change him, but I’d like him to understand what makes me tick (and we have both changed over the years - which is maybe why we’re noticing these difference more), and every now and then go out of his way to put a smile on my face, just as I might do something a bit out of my ordinary to make him happy.

Some people just aren’t the touchy feels type. I get where you’re coming from if he has been how you want him to be in the past, but is no longer that way. But if he’s never really been that kind of person, then this is who he is. I’m not very affectionate with words and am not a huggy person. I think if my DH tried to push me to be like that, I would feel uncomfortable with it because it would feel unnatural for me, and forced. I do things for him though like run him a bath most nights, cook lovely meals for him, spend quality time with him. That’s how I show affection.

Hi,
I’m not trying to be combative, just trying to point out that that from my perspective, you saying that his understanding of affection is wrong and yours is right.

I kept trying to explain that these things weren’t showing affection, but he says for him they are. Am I in the wrong? Or is he just being bloody minded and trying to ‘win’ this argument? I’m at the point of tearing my hair out.

But for him that is affection, by being thoughtful and thinking about you in his actions

Sorry, I should have said “weren’t showing affection from my perspective”

I take it all on board. I don’t think I’m being bloody minded though I mean, would I be posting on here asking for opinions if I actually thought I was in the right? It can just be very frustrating when both of us don’t understand each other.

I split up with my boyfriend of a year about 6 months ago for similar reasons. We stayed friends but, unsurprisingly, have never talked about what went wrong.

We finally talked about it last week and I told him that he didn't show affection and I felt like I hadn't really mattered to him.

He looked very surprised and said that every time he made me dinner; a cup of tea; gave me a lift; bought my favourite food; listened to me talk about work even though he wasn't interested showed that he cared and that I mattered.

He feels that kissing, holding, touching, saying stuff is unnecessary and don't take any effort to do. It's the stuff that takes effort that shows he cares.

I can see where he is coming from but I need those other things too. Interestlyingly, he told me that every time I didn't do those things for him (I did them, just not consistently i supppse) he felt i was blowing hot and cold. Acts of service are clearly of higher important to him.

Bizarrely, since that conversation, he has made more of an effort with those other things.

Those who have read the book and found it useful - how did you use it? Did you read it and realise that the other person actually was showing affection, and then feel better? Or did they read it and change the way they showed affection?

After 20 years, it seems tough to want someone to change the way they are - even if it is just occasionally, as a treat or whatever, aren't you basically saying that they have never really done it how you like?
The other options - put up with it or leave, I guess - are also not great, obviously! But after such a long time it would surely cause some hurt?

It hasn’t always been like this.

I think complacency has crept into our relationship, where before we both made the effort to show how we care for each other in ‘non-ordinary’ ways, we now have slipped into our own comfy ways. It’s absolutely fine to a certain extent, but does cause some problems from time to time.

I just find it hard to understand that for him, hoovering is a way of showing affection. Making a cup of tea, yes, I get that. But hoovering?!? We live and learn

The word affection really annoys me as my ex used to use it in place of sex. "You don't show me any affection". I used to hold his hand, snuggle up, chat, call him, go out of my way - but he used the word affection when he really meant shag!

Your post is important because you have shown the distinction, that affection doesn't mean sex. It's part of it, but doesn't have to be. And I stopped being affectionate because he always thought it was a prelude to a bonk!

I have exactly the same issue with my dh. (using the term issue lightly as I know it's mostly my issue.)
We have been together for 15 years. He has never been very affectionate, but used to be a little more than he is now. I can count on one hand the times he has said I love you in 15 years.

The little things he did make an effort with, such as holding my hand when we were out together, have been replaced by our dd (now 6) wanting to be in the middle of us. We sometimes insist she will have to pick a side of one of us but usually we let her in the middle.

To him, making me a cup of tea, making dinner or doing the washing up is his way of caring. Whereas to me, those are things you'd do for someone you shared a house with anyway. When friends or family visit, you make them a cup of tea etc, so how is making one for me any different to that. I wouldn't want him not to do those things, but that once in every 4 years I love you really matters to me. I feel like it would make a huge difference to me if it was more frequent. I'm not saying weekly or anything but maybe once a year instead of every 4, or so, would be nice.
If he cleaned the house - now that would be something. Even our dd tells him that would be nice for mummy, including for my birthday last year! but a clean house isn't important to him, so he isn't interested.

I've been finding it particularly difficult recently. My life has changed considerably with debilitating illness over the past few years and I feel I am not even a shadow of the person I was when we got together. (I don't consider it as just my life has changed, I know our life has changed, but when thinking about it, really it doesn't seem as though his has.)
I have tried talking to him. I get concerned he will find having to do more of the household responsibilities wearing and worry he feels taken for granted, but he is so laid back that he just says he is fine. When I have tried talking to him about our relationship and asking
what would make him happy, he says he is happy and has everything he needs. when I talk about me needing more emotional and physical contact, he says he can do those things, but then nothing changes.

Part of me knows it's my fault for thinking I could handle this forever, but then he was a little more affectionate before and I don't think I realised how difficult it would be for me.

Some people just do not enjoy frequent touch. Do you want him to do something so intimate even if he is not really enjoying it?

Personally, I don’t want anyone to to say or do things they do not mean, it would feel hollow.

@Cakeorchocolate

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with this too

To him, making me a cup of tea, making dinner or doing the washing up is his way of caring. Whereas to me, those are things you'd do for someone you shared a house with anyway.

This is how I feel too! But I do truly believe (most of the time!) that my DH loves me, and maybe that’s what keeps us together, even with our differences. I trust that he loves me, even if he doesn’t often show it in the ways that I would like.

It’s a hard one, we aren’t wrong, but nor are they... it’s just a fundamental difference that can be hard to reconcile when 2 people are each at the more extreme ends of the spectrum.

Everyone is different op