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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Retreat or support. Or being on back burner. Help needed

7 replies

Circleconfused1234 · 16/05/2021 17:17

I have posted about this guy before. But now I am more confused or disappointed. Think I have feelings again snd he is not interested.

He is my ex of over a year. We stayed friends and through lockdown met up few times a month but constantly texted. We both were seeing other people but both our relationships ended around December time. We decided to bubble.

Out bubble was seeing each other few times a week after work and at weekends, we stayed over and shared a bed. We live 45 mins drive, but he worked in my city. Agreed lockdown fun and was discussing getting back together. It worked. Then he had a life event happen and was signed off work long term. Fun stopped but cuddles stayed. I have been supporting him amd he was out on anti depression tablets. Did share a bed for comfort. His tablets have made him unable to sleep more than 4 hrs a time and has trouble falling asleep. We stopped staying over. He says he doesn’t want to disturb me

We stopped sharing a bed. I have a day off in the week, so we meet up and spend the whole day together. Previously when he was working he would drop in after work as i WFH. Now he won’t as says it’s too far to travel for an hour or so, or too tired. I suggest going to his, but sane answer.

Now this is the part that is causing me anxiety. He has a few friends who are off during the week, so kind of has us on rota. He says it keeps him busy and helps him cope. One friend is a girl he has known for years, but I know they had a fling last summer over 6 weeks. It ended as he didn’t want to commit to a relationship with her and went out with someone else. Still friends. But she is stunning.

However, he seems to spend more days with her. For example I asked if he wanted to do something last night. He didn’t reply till the morning saying sorry was busy, the girl came round for a take away and a film, but she left at 9pm. Normally if he was seeing someone he would be caggy at the start. But was honest.

Since spending more time with her, he is texting me less and seeing me less. I have asked if he is interested in her. He says no she is a friend who is also supporting him. I am his close friend. He is not in the right frame of mind for that. But he does talk about her loads. They always end texts with kisses.

So really he is priming her for a relationship isn’t he? They only got close when he told her his life event and being off work? I feel all the talk about us is not going to happen? My feelings are there, but really he is an ex and it needs to stay that way.

Tell me what to do? I know I need to retreat, but I can’t whilst he is going through a really horrible time. I have tried to put boundaries and stopped texting loads. Trying to fad out, but I can’t.

OP posts:
Sunflower1970 · 16/05/2021 18:05

He is treating you as second best and for your own self esteem you need to step away. He has other people to be his emotional crutch and hard as it is it’s pretty obvious he is lining this woman up for another go at a relationship. I’m sorry but you are worth more

Circleconfused1234 · 16/05/2021 19:11

@Sunflower1970 I know I do. I have started to date again. He got a bit huffy when I said I had been out on a date.

It’s frustrating. We get on really well as friends. Sex is amszing. But as soon as relationship is mentioned. More him than me, it just gets rubbish. He just can’t prioritie a relationship but will his friendship with me. Addressed it, but he says nothing should change.

Relationship him is busy or on his terms. Friendship him is treating us like a relationship but without the expectations. Treats, days out, being present. Etc.

OP posts:
ItsNotLoveActually · 16/05/2021 19:16

Sounds like he is just using you. If you really meant something to him and he's going through a difficult time, he'd accept your offers to go over more often. But no, he has his circle of friends and you are not a priority. Continue with the slow fade. Stop offering to go over. Don't do the 'pick me dance'.

Circleconfused1234 · 16/05/2021 20:12

@ItsNotLoveActually I am trying not too. Just get feelings of upset and disappointed when he mentions her. I need to fade out. Just feel guilty as he needs support.

Either I be friends. Or tell him when he is better.

OP posts:
RLEOM · 16/05/2021 21:54

He wants to be with someone else, you're not his first choice, sorry. It's better to cut the cord, rip off the plaster, run. You're only going to continue being hurt. Find someone who treats you like you're his world.

RantyAnty · 16/05/2021 22:02

This guy is a user. I normally don't fuck my friends.

He doesn't need your support. There are trained therapists for that.

I'd stop being an unpaid therapist and emotional tampon for men.

Think about yourself first. He most certainly is putting himself first.

Delete and block him.

Mermaidwaves · 17/05/2021 00:57

He is using you, wanting the best of both worlds. He enjoys your company but wants to be free to date this woman and maybe others. You will get hurt as you have feelings for him, time to move on.

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