How to leave a volatile relationship with minimum damage

[Ann86132]

Hi all,
Has anyone any advice please for leaving a bad and often volatile relationship!?
I would like for things to be amicable for everyone, especially the children, but in the interim I want to do as much damage limitation as possible.
Does anyone have any advice!?
He says he hates me and my family and has threatened all sorts of nasty things.
He does this, we both flare up, the situation escalates, then within a few days things calm down and we sort of sweep it under the rug.
I’m worried if I actually make the move (despite him saying that’s what he wants) that I’ll be painted as the villain and he’ll wage a war on me.
Would really appreciate some advice please, I don’t want to talk to any family and friends and risk more people being involved/implicated

I'm not sure there is a good way, but the best idea is to keep things as simple and straightforward as possible.

Are you safe? It is actually a very good idea to talk to some trusted family and/or friends. Support is very important.

You can't reason with an unreasonable person and although hoping for a pleasant amicable respectful split is best scenario - that rarely happens - even without the bad volatile relationship
So .. do best for you and be safe
Make the move in the best way for you - not him and then deal with the rest afterwards
Good luck OP

I think the first thing to do is disengage emotionally from him. I know that's difficult as he knows how to press your buttons, but you need to stop reacting to him. Can you practice meditation or deep breathing exercises or something similar in order to catch yourself before things tick over. Perhaps you can learn a few phrases for when he's winding you up or simply leave the room until you've calmed down.

Have you had any advice regarding the divorce? Have you made any preparations such as gathering the paperwork you need? If not, I would start working on that. Don't allow him to clear accounts or hide finances, so work on that asap. It sounds as though he'll make things difficult so prepare as much as you can.

I would also get some support if you can't speak to family or friends. Get a counsellor or therapist so you have someone to offload to.

If things start to escalate ie if he starts threatening you or becoming aggressive, as I'm not sure what you mean by 'volatile' then dial 999 and call the police. You can also contact the national helpline: 0808 2000 247 Keep a log of his behaviour in case you need evidence. Add texts/emails/messages.

It’s never easy, but if you want to leave discuss when you are both feeling calm. If your partner mentions again he wants to split up, calmly ask him to discuss a way forward at the time with you so that it’s a amicable split for minimum upset for your children.
If you think though he could get violent or abusive then I would seek help from others , don’t put yourself at any risk.

Thank you all for your replies. I have taken myself upstairs and out of the way of the situation for today.
Will try to have a talk with him tomorrow.
Really good advice given, I do need to stop reacting to him, and try to distance myself emotionally, hard as I do love him, just not his behaviour. How messed up is that!
Thank you all, good night x