How to rid of resentment...

[Deedyn]

I’m struggling with a few things in life right now and feel very unsettled.

My adult DD (now 21) was recently diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive), has a few other struggles, anxiety, unable to do a few things others take for granted).

We support her the best we can but I feel so different to other mums who go shopping with their daughters (she hates shopping), isn’t into clothes, nails or anything I’m into. I know we are all different but I’m beginning to feel resentment when I see how happy others are with their mums.

We also have a son who is 27 but lives away. I miss him and wish he were closer. I have very little in the way of other family and feel resentment when I see families around and going out. I’m happy for them but inside wish it were my family.

I don’t want to feel this way but how do I stop these feelings?
Thank you

Is there no common ground. Could you explore a new hobby together? It visit somewhere together that you're both interested in? Presumably your son isnt into shopping or getting nails done either but you have found some common ground with him

I’m not interested in shopping or nails. Why assume your daughter would be? You need to be a bit more imaginative in your hobbies, then maybe you will find something that you and your daughter can do together.

I detest shopping, and my nails are usually dandelion stained and wrecked from gardening, so I’m in team DD on this one!
OP, what are your DD’s hobbies and interests?
Why not bond with her over those? For example, one of my DDs is almost the polar opposite of me - I’m a Tory, she is a Communist, I’m a Christian, she’s a Buddhist, I’m a meat eater, she’s vegetarian.
But we are both feminists, so that is our point of contact, and we can happily discuss campaigning and protecting women’s rights etc. Obviously we also chat about our homes, jobs, friends too.
There is far more to life than nails and shopping, OP - it could do you good to broaden your horizons and try some different things with your DD. Good luck.

Try and meet them where they’re at instead of where you wish they were.

You only talk about what they’re not into or don’t do. They’re fully formed people with lives and personalities, how well do you know them?

I’m one of 4 and we’re all very different and over the decades my mum has embraced 19th century American literature, vegan cooking, pot holing, fashion design, two sets of step kids, got to know about 6 different industries well through our jobs, knows and asks about many of our friends.

It works both ways, we do things that interest her and as a result we’re all close despite some of us having lived in other countries.

Why do you resent them?

Sometimes we have a fantasy that mothers and daughters do these things together. I have a fabulous dd that l get on really well with but we never have our nails done together. Before Covid we may have gone clothes shopping but she takes so long to decide l lose the will to live.
We bond over books and she is keenly interested in my job and l in hers. We also just chat go for the usual Covid walks and discuss her friends, my family etc. Just having her around when she does get home is enough.
I bond with my ds over sport which l make a gallant effort to keep up with and films which he recommends to me.
Go with reality not fantasy and adopt an interest in your dds life. I'm sure as she gets a little bit older ye will find more in common.

So find other common ground... I have a fab relationship with my ds 26. We go to Morrison's cafe whenever we are both off for a breakfast and a catch up! We also like markets /car boot sales and DIY together!
I have ddogs he hates so we don't mention them!!

What does she like doing? Surly you have something in common that you can do together?
I have two adult DDs who have different interests- dd1 -we enjoy walks and then a coffee somewhere and chatting about latest TV and politics. Dd2 -we go to art galleries and love talking about books. Just find those things you both enjoy.

*surely

You can have a close and meaningful relationship with your children outside of the gender bullshit stereotypes. What has your DD’s diagnosis got to do with her not wanting to go shopping with you? I’m NT and I never enjoyed shopping with my mother.

Stay away from insta OP.

Are you feeling like this post-diagnosis OP?

In reality, you'll have been making adjustments with your parenting and her support and you will not have been like the parents of NT kids or done the same things with your DD as they did with theirs for a very long time, yet because it was your ordinary family life, you won't have noticed it so much.

There's something about receiving a diagnostic report of neurodiversity, that even when you've suspected it for a long time and accepted it as part of your lives, suddenly there it is in black and white, starkly spelling out all of the differences about your child/young adult and it hits you like a brick that neither of your lives will follow the same pattern as your friends and her friends and peers.

Give yourself time to process that and do keep three things to the forefront of your mind.

Your DY is the same girl you know and love before the report and she'll continue to be the same girl afterwards.

Diagnostic reports only ever highlight the deficits, the things the person struggles with, they are bleak and depressing to read and you're often left thinking 'I really didn't know how bad this was' and you beat yourself up for trying NT parenting strategies in the past that only caused upset, or times when you listened to people with no knowledge of her conditions tell you it was your parenting to blame, or even worse, when they insisted things were her fault because all she needed to do was try harder when you know she was already trying her best. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself some time to process all of that, deal with the emotions it raises, there will be lots.

Learn to celebrate her differences. Thinking differently is not wrong, doing things differently is not wrong. The world is mostly set up for the way NT people think, but sometimes it's the different thinkers that inspire and provide solutions, difference should be celebrated, never ever thought of as wrong.

Accept your daughter for who she is and not who you want her to be .
Maybe then you will find more joy in her presence.
Don’t expect her to be a copy of you .

Hi,

Thank you for your replies.

BlankTimes; I agree, you are spot on. I am struggling with the diagnosis and have an undercurrent of disappointment that the school nor ourselves didn’t pick it up. I do need to stop beating myself up as it certainly won’t do me or my DD any good. Seeing it in black and white was hard to accept. Your words have helped me.

April; We love sitting in cafes too, our Morrison’s have a nice one so not long now.

AnneLovesGilbert; Your mum sounds a great lady.

Thanks again to everyone for their kind replies. I know to look at common ground and am looking forward in doing this.

Best of luck to you OP

Good luck OP. 💐