What does this behaviour mean? (Mum)

[boldmere]

What does it mean when you confide a huge secret to someone you trust, and they pretend the conversation never happened?

I've lived with abuse and control from STBXH for many years now. I've told my mother about it on and off over the years, and she's always sympathised but then brushed it away quickly as if it was something unavoidable. It's really strange because my own childhood wasn't like that and she would have left with us if my father had acted with anything close to this kind of abusive/violent behaviour or disrespect.

Fast forward to last year and I finally confided the whole ugly truth to her with no details spared. She was really upset and cried and called him all sorts (to me, not with him there). The next day I didn't hear from her, nor the next or the next. I was confused, but thought she must be busy. She posted pics on the family group of her going out with friends etc. She called me weeks later, acting like the conversation never happened. She inquired after her lovely son in law too. It felt like a part of me just died then, as if our relationship would never be the same again. I was confused and I distanced myself from her slightly but carried on. She's only 50s so not old or doddery by any means.

Then this year I had enough and decided to divorce him. When I told her she was heartbroken. I told her then how upset I was by what she did (I spiralled very badly into depression not just because of abuser but because of her behaviour too) and she cried and said that it was because she couldn't ask me directly about the topic so decided to pretend all was fine . I smelt a bit of bullshit there but she sounded really sorry and I thought well we all make mistakes and forgave her. You know what's coming next, don't you? Nothing from her after that. Conversation never happened. Jovial inquiries about how are things and how's her son in law, called him for his birthday etc.

I cut off contact with her and didn't take her calls or respond to her messages. I've been depressed and suicidal for months now and if it wasn't for my children I would leave this world right now.

And almost every single day I think, WHY? WHY would anybody do this?

Does she enjoy messing with my head? She wasn't a psycho or anything in my childhood or later. She was hands off and me and my siblings were brought up by nannies, she put herself first in everything generally and is very self-pitying, but didn't show any other strange qualities.

Is her behaviour strange in any other way? Recently changed?

I cannot think why she would do this to you unless she were ill in some way.

I complete understand and sympathise with your reaction to her.

No her behaviour is completely the same in every other way. She hadn't actually forgotten the conversations because when I brought it up this year she was all upset at being pulled up about it.

It’s very odd. Is there anyone else close to her who may offer more insight?

She’s dissociating herself from your pain so she doesn’t have to feel it with you. She empathised previously- the occasion when she cried - and she’s now protecting herself against feeling your pain again by pretending it doesn’t exist. Its so much more comfortable to believe your ex was lovely. It’s very dysfunctional behaviour for a mother.

It fits with her being generally self centred and self pitying.

Something similar happened to me with my late mother. You did the right thing cutting her off, she wouldn’t have changed.

I’m so sorry this happened to you

My sister says Mum doesn't want to have a divorced daughter and this is her way of ensuring it. Apparently Mum thinks that if she ignores it I'll have no support and will make up with STBXH. But this is her theory, I have no way of knowing if it's true. I know she doesn't want me to get divorced, in spite of her tears and protests.

You said she got nannies etc to look after you so it sounds like she can't actually cope with being a parent. So she outsourced or ignores anything that might be hard work.

I'm so sorry op but you don't need her. Well done for leaving an abusive man and wishing you all the best.

@FictionalCharacter

She’s dissociating herself from your pain so she doesn’t have to feel it with you. She empathised previously- the occasion when she cried - and she’s now protecting herself against feeling your pain again by pretending it doesn’t exist. Its so much more comfortable to believe your ex was lovely. It’s very dysfunctional behaviour for a mother.

It fits with her being generally self centred and self pitying.

Something similar happened to me with my late mother. You did the right thing cutting her off, she wouldn’t have changed.

I’m so sorry this happened to you

This makes some sense to me. I'm sorry it happened to you too. It keeps playing on my mind. Did you cut your late mother off, and did you have regrets?

OP have you seen your GP as it sounds as though you're very depressed. Are you doing counselling? Do you have crisis numbers?
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/nhs-voluntary-charity-services/charity-and-voluntary-services/get-help-from-mental-health-helplines/

There could be any number of reasons for her behaviour and it's difficult to know why she's like this with so little information but it's not uncommon. A friend of mine was SA during piano lessons when she was a little girl and her mother took her out of the lessons but did nothing about it and never mentioned it to her again. Some people just cope by sticking their heads in the sand and hoping it will go away, others simply don't have the skills and don't know what to do.

I would focus on getting some help for yourself to get out of this hole you're in and then try to unpick it with a therapist.

PS They can be very good at convincing themselves that the happy, easy, comfortable alternative reality they have constructed for themselves is real. So she has probably genuinely made herself forget those conversations. Counselling or therapy could make her confront reality but she probably wouldn’t want that.

A really good counsellor showed me how this was happening with my mother. I learned about narcissistic parents right here on MN.

Nothing would have changed her, but the understanding did help me see that it was her not me, I had no obligation to indulge her and my focus should be going forward with my own life. I came out of it determined to be a better parent than she was.

She's splitting psychologically. We forget how weird other people can be, especially others who have not engaged in any real form of self reflection. As time goes on their perverse way of managing emotional reality becomes entrenched. Think of paths repeatedly walked on through the woods. Take a different path - things grow over. keep taking the same path - it becomes a ditch.

The main problem is that it hurts you and you recoil in pain and confusion. This is the child inside and is understandable, but sometimes we forget we are no longer children.

Might I suggest you try and take back control? Could you try just stopping at these points and asking her if she remembers the important conversation you had ? Keep reminding her until she can re-focus. She does remember and you need her to remember, so make her remember because it is important to YOU.

You could try writing her a letter (not text or email) and ask her to write back a reply. Don't be accusatory, but point out the timeline and how this denial makes you feel.

I did cut her off for a while but caved to pressure when the kids were born and she acted the adoring grandma. It was very superficial on her part. She continued to be a PITA but I kept contact very low and never allowed her to influence us in any way. Eventually she went severely downhill with dementia, didn’t know who I was and I didn’t see her for several years before she died.

I've experienced friends including my dp whose parent(s) are anti divorce and seem to think people can change/all in their head sort of thing. Dp's dm asks him constantly about his ex and in front of me. Refuses to accept it's my house here too etc

I’ve had pretty much the same including v my wedding photo being kept on the wall by my mum, for 10 years after my divorce.

(Think domestic abuse necessitating a refuge)

'she put herself first in everything generally and is very self-pitying' this is hideously confusing to live with as a child. I am concerned about you from your post too OP, can you afford counselling or access it some other way?

@FictionalCharacter

She’s dissociating herself from your pain so she doesn’t have to feel it with you. She empathised previously- the occasion when she cried - and she’s now protecting herself against feeling your pain again by pretending it doesn’t exist. Its so much more comfortable to believe your ex was lovely. It’s very dysfunctional behaviour for a mother.

It fits with her being generally self centred and self pitying.

Something similar happened to me with my late mother. You did the right thing cutting her off, she wouldn’t have changed.

I’m so sorry this happened to you

I think this is spot on.

Op. My mum was like this. She has always been very religious and also a massive martyr complex as my Dad was a dick as well. When i told my my mum i was unhappy etc she said " well thats the choice you made". Basically i did divorce and had no help or support from her at all. In fact when i told her , all she said was " well you can't move in here" and " what will people say". I didn't need to move in with her as i had already bought my new home and mid way through renovation- she was shocked and annoyed! I did not need her. I removed her ability to belittle me and refuse me and my children housing, i had it already sorted. I then said i couldn't give a monkeys what people think- this is my life! I basically dealt with it alone.

She deliberately gave me no childcare help etc ever at all , as i worked full time- basically let me struggle alone during sch holidays and when i was ill, to make a point , as did my sister. Good old after sch summer club was my saviour. But according to them, even that was bad for my children's mental health!! I should have been at home , living in abject poverty with my children as a divorced single woman, rather than working and providing a quality lifestyle. She even picked holes and chastised me one time for the fact that i drank Tesco Finest Earl Grey Tea bags! Being divorced , my children and i should have been surviving on gruel no doubt! Long story short i have been NC with my mum for yrs, i am fine , my DC's are fine, young successful people. No drama, all good. Make my own choices, am happy.

You sound a lovely strong and determined person Op and your children need you. There is so much good and all exciting , ahead for you now. You do what is right for you. You are making the right choices for you and yr family. If your Mum cannot find it within herself to provide the support you, as her daughter, needs, you are better off staying NC. This is her issue and not yours.

You will come through this OP but, if you are feeling overwhelmed , pls do have a chat with your doctor. We all deal with these things differently.

When you are settled in your new life you can decide then, if you want to reinstate any contact. Right now OP, you need all of you for you and yr Dc's. You need to be surrounded by people who will support and encourage you. My parents did what they did, put up with what they did , behave how they do/did, for reasons known only to themselves and their own agenda. I am me and i do what is right for me - they ( mum and sister) do not dictate to me anymore. Your mum does not get to dictate to you anymore.

You asked why? I often asked myself why my mum was how she was. I see now she is quite a bitter person " lumbered " in her own words with my sister and i. In love with someone ( my Dad) who cheated on her often and beat her child ( me ) daily for no reason at all , other than as an outlet for his own miserable marital frustrations. Mum saw / see's me , the eldest , as the reason my Dad was always " busy" and. "angry" and the "root cause " of all her problems. If i had not been born it would have all been different.

Not sure what your mums beef really is , she clearly has one , i am sure that it is HER issue and NOT yours. I "let go" of my mum and sister yrs ago. Last time i heard they are in the same ruts. I however, am fine and happy and my children are happy and have been raised with healthy boundaries. A mum who supports them unconditionally and healthy family and other relationship examples.

You do not need a mum in order to be a mum , as i have found. All the best to you OP.

How was the communication in your family while growing up? How were your parents about dealing with stress? Some people literally can't do either and just disassociate themselves from any pain or stress, whether their own or someone else's, because they just can't deal with it. My DP can be a bit like this. When he's stressed/upset or sometimes if we've had a row he just goes to sleep, whatever time of the day. It's like he just mentally and physically shuts down. He comes from a family who never argue or communicate. It's so weird.

Sorry op but your Mum sounds horrifically self-absorbed.

I have a uselessly selfish Mother who also outsourced her duties and have lived her life focussed only on her own needs.

She is dysfunctional, she will always have been this way it's just that you have always confirmed to her needs so you've never come up against this sort of gas-lighting before.

You sound in crisis. You must put all thoughts of your Mum to one side and focus on your own mental health. You can un pick the damage your Mum has done to you later with a counsellor when you feel stronger.

Does your GP know you feel suicidal? Please ask for help, you deserve the very best, you are a good person. Life will get better.

Thank you for the replies and the kind posts. A lot of things make sense to me. It's true I've been through hell, but I haven't been able to access GP yet. I will keep trying. Thank you for kind words.

I agree with pps. I so sorry you have endured this alone. That's so sad. My mother is the same I also cut her off as she didn't want to hear about the abuse I suffered. You have done the right thing op. Now you have a little light on this matter you must concentrate on yourself. Love yourself work on your self esteem and care for your self. I'm so sorry your mother was ignorant towards you. Must be her pride or some kind of disapproval towards divorce. You can do this op with some self love and mh care. GOOD LUCK