Ghosted by long standing friend

[ImitationofBeing]

A close (knows all the gritty bits about me) friend of 15yrs+ has ghosted me.
Lives 20 mins away
Since lockdown been a few walks. Lots of texts.

Recently no communication initiated by her. Ignored my suggestions of walks/eating outdoors. Responds to my texts with short "all fine".

For the last 5 weeks I've gone through my "what have I done wrong? ' complex. I always blame myself (childhood issue).

I miss her - we have always been there for each other, made each other laugh until snot and tears are too much, held each through some awful traumas.

Yesterday I sent a text asking if all OK, would they like some excess plants. Got ignored on plant offer and the now usual" all fine" response. I know this a brush off - they once told me when they pissed off with some one else we know they don't put a kiss on texts to them anymore

And I'm now thinking fuck it.
I've realised this has happened a few times in the 15+ years. Once I was 'wendied' (years ago) when a new glam mother appeared on the playground (new glam mother proved to be toxic and sorted out with talks, hugs,)

I think she doesn't think I'm good enough for her. I'm not as wealthy, money is important to them. I am outdoorsy, brought up on a farm person, wellies and shit. Their life features beauty salons.

I have other friends in the area, not as close.
And as much as it hurts I think it's time I step away, concentrate on other things and other people.
I think my version of our friendship and hers are very different. I've seen us as close, love her lots, love her company. I think I have just been someone to hang about with cos there's been no one else.

Has anyone gone through similar and thought fuck this and not been the doormat friend of accepting its OK to be treated like this.

That sounds hurtful @ImitationofBeing, especially as you can't think of any reason why she is distancing herself.

Not quite the same situation but many times I have made a decision not to be a doormat friend, and have distanced myself back to acquaintance level.

I definitely wouldn't contact her again now.

As this isn't the first time she has done this that would probably be it for me now - even if she did make contact in a few months. I would just reply like she is doing now if she contacts you and leave it there unless she, unprompted, came up with a good reason for behaving like she is now.

It’s really hard, but I don’t think there is anything you can do. I would stop contacting her and focus on developing your other friendships instead.

It’s a horrible situation to be in and I feel for you, I am in a very similar situation. Very close friends for over 10 years supported each other, made each other laugh and then suddenly she started ghosting me. Mutual friends were also ghosted at the same time now after 5 years I’ve given up. We haven’t spoken since February and I shan’t make the effort anymore, there has been so much happening in my life I would have always told her about straight away but now I don’t bother. She doesn’t make the effort so why should I? Initially I was so hurt and confused wondering what I’d done, but I realised it’s her not me (or mutual friends). I have other friends who care and want to be in my life, I’m not sure if I’d even bother responding now if she text tbh

I have a very similar situation going on - I've decided I'm not interested anymore and I'm not playing games so she can just crack on with it

I've blocked her but somehow she managed to leave me a voicemail and basically she was just waffling on as if we'd spoken that day

This has been going on since last September I've lost interest and it was getting me down

If it's upsetting you just ignore her @ImitationofBeing you don't need the stress

If you were friends for 15 years then it's very likely to be because you're not wealthy enough or not high status enough. That is in my opinion why shallow people who need the validation of a high status circle of friends don't want you in the group and try to push you out of it (as a single parent it's happened to me a few times).

But if this woman was your friend, then status; yours or hers is not the issue.

I wouldn't try to find out what you did though. Because obviously it's not that big a thing or you'd be aware of it. But she'd probably feel that it was a final straw or something and then you'd start feeling resentful, being aware of her imperfections and shortcomings as a person/friend! And who'd blame you.

I have been bullied out of a group twice in the last five years and the best way to handle is to ask yourself, how would a high status person deal with this? And the answer is they'd accept it immediately and in public pretend like it was of no consequence to them. You have to channel that vibe.

In the mean time, build yourself up. Yoga, art, music, other friends, whatever puts you in your 'flow'

I know it's not easy. It caused me a lot of pain the first time, less pain the second time.

It's a tough time.

very un likely that should read! argh

Thanks guys. I think stepping graciously aside is the thing to do isn't it? No drama.

Just had a chat with a friend who knows us both well and she's said the same as you.
She can't think of any reason except I do keep allowing it to happen and I always want people to be happy and can be a people pleaser. Urgh...
So putting my foot down (quietly) and will get busy doing other things.

It hurts - been holidays, times away, so much history...

Mutual friend thinks I do not meet with her partners social status (they are mega wealthy). Oh god I'm an embarrassment.

Friendships.... I thought it was tough when I was a teenager....

Just read your post Tara336 - it's horrid isn't it. I feel like I am back in Y6 primary school.

The high status / low status thing is real in friendship groups so you could be right. Your friend, if she's shallow, could feel that you're a liability to her place in the group. But if she were more confident she wouldn't have to work hard to earn her place in a group. That shouldn't affect a one to one friendship though! Being a single parent I was perceived to be low status but it kind of makes me laugh now that I'm out of all of that. Whatever I have is 100% mine and some of the women looking down on me are at the mercy of a middle aged husband not replacing them. I'm not wishing that on them, I don't care either way. But I guess the point is, i don't feel lower status than them. I feel sorry for them now because I feel luckier now.

I have a long standing friend who has actually been pretty mean to me on a few occasions. Things I let go because I could see the bigger picture and didn’t internalise it. Friend would distance themselves for new shiny friend and then come back say things like “some friends you can not see for months and then when you do it’s as if you never parted” etc.

And I’d think actually no, you binned me off and now you’re back. I let it go, don’t make a scene. But I never ever forget it and never quite return the friendship as closely as I did before or with as much warmth. If she was ever to ask me directly, I’d tell her. She just never does. I have a lot of friends. I would miss her if she went but there’d be space for all my friends. She needs one close one, more like a relationship, which is why she is all or nothing, it cools down when she is in the honeymoon period with a new friend.

She’ll be back. In the mean time, don’t let it get to you, armour yourself with the knowledge you did nothing wrong, she’s fairweather etc, and when she is back, the choice is entirely yours to continue the friendship or not. Not her choice. Yours. There’s the power in not making a scene.

Thanks Selkie.
I guess as over the years her partner's earning have increased (think top city banker level), I've just stayed pretty much the same investing in our business and not purchase power. Perhaps the gap has widened and I've not noticed. But now thinking about it there's a few things that add up.

Shes got a bloomin' cheek though - a total blue collar manual working class family background, married well. Acting all My Fair Lady.

Urgh it’s not you it’s her. Selkies posts spot on. I have been working hard to train myself not to care keep all friendships light and low key with low expectations. I have dh as my rock and friends to have fun with.

My issue is when friends meet up without me it’s hard not to feel hurt. That says I meet up without some of them so know i am bring ridiculous! I never say anything and pretend not to care

Honestly sometimes think I will be in an old people’s home fretting that x is playing cards with y and not me 😁

@ImitationofBeing yes it’s not nice at all, but I realise I need to value myself more! I would get sporadic chatty texts then hear nothing for weeks. We last saw each other in 2018 because she kept inviting me out then cancelled at last minute every time, I got sick of it. She recently went through a bad time and I was supportive (against my better judgement) whilst also going through a bad time myself (she was aware of some of it) I last messaged in February offering support and asking if she was ok, it has not been opened and I’m done now. I will just ghost her back, she has at times admitted she’s being a bad friend and apologises but it’s all a bit empty really and I’m fed up of her making me feel bad. I would add the friendship started declining when my circumstances changed considerably meaning I was as financially comfortable as her ...

Yes - it happened to me a term into my DD starting a different secondary school to hers. I thought we were best friends, but I think she was more focussed on my DD being her DD’s best friend. I seemed to be expendable.
It hurts a lot as we used to meet up for a walk every week, and talk, and be supportive of each other. I don’t have that now. I think she’s focussed on another mum (whose DD, and out two DDs were also good friends with). I have been completely cut off, although am still friends with second mum but don’t get to see her very often.

@ImitationofBeing

Thanks Selkie. I guess as over the years her partner's earning have increased (think top city banker level), I've just stayed pretty much the same investing in our business and not purchase power. Perhaps the gap has widened and I've not noticed. But now thinking about it there's a few things that add up.

Shes got a bloomin' cheek though - a total blue collar manual working class family background, married well. Acting all My Fair Lady.

Then she sounds like a shallow wanker and seriously, you are better off rid!

I lost some friends for similar reasons when I left my husband at around the same time I was forced to take quite a big step back career wise, and consequently had to move out of my big gracious Georgian townhouse, and move into a tiny rented place, and also lost a lot of my spending power.

Fuck them. If people only like you because you can keep up with their glam lifestyle, then frankly they aren’t really people at all in my book.

There will be loads of friends out there (some you already know, some future ones) who will genuinely love you for who you are. That is what I have found anyway.

I’m 42 and have lost countless friends over the years. Sometimes it’s felt just like a natural and gradual moving on, but sometimes it has been quite abrupt, and painful as fuck. But in the end it’s always a good thing. It’s the ones who stick around who are genuinely worth it.....

I have felt the same with one friendship i
but what I have come to realise is my friend doesn't think like me! If I don't hear from her I worry, what have I done. She's just getting on with working full time, looking after her family etc.

We got together a few weeks ago with another pal and it came to light that she's been going through some crap in her personal life with her partner, on the verge of break up. It dawned on me then that I wasn't the problem , my friend is going through something that is bigger than me.

We agreed we need to get together more and we half already planned out next girls night.

I would check in with your friend, send her a little message 'i love you, let ne know when your free' leave it up to her.

I can't count my real friends on one hand, I've been making a conscious effort to meet new people, ot just relie on those friends I joined a walking club every Sunday and within 4 weeks I have made bew walking bubby friends.

Bit of a ramble, my point is let your friend know your there, put the valley in her court and in the meantime get yourself out and meet new people. Its done me the world of good. I feel much happier

I am sorry op. It is hurtful when people appear to pull back from you through no fault of your own.

SisterAgatha
A friend used to drop and pick me up as and when she pleased. I was lacking in confidence and had few friends so tolerated this for at least two decades. I noticed a distinct pattern of her contacting me only when she had news to share. It made feel like shit and 'less than'.

Eventually I stopped all contact and never looked back.

Doubletween
What a user!

Wow. I would never just drop a long-standing friendship over something as superficial as status. Folk who do that simply show they have no humanity or moral compass.

This happened to me when the friend found a new man and I was ghosted for weeks. When I did see her again, she wasn’t the person I thought she was, but appeared to have acquired an entirely new flamboyant persona. Very confusing as the person I thought she was, had suddenly vanished. You doubt yourself, you think “what the heck did I do wrong?”

It’s very painful when a close friendship ends and you go through a kind of bereavement, but I can assure you that you do eventually come out of that phase,. You may look back one day in the future and see the unequal dynamic of this relationship more clearly. If you people-please, it’s likely you may have self esteem issues - form a relationship with yourself and learn how to nurture and appreciate your own unique qualities. Often, when a friendship dies, it’s meant to die - it is no longer serving us in a way that is supportive for our emotional/mental welfare and is stunting your own growth.

If you have been good friends for 15yrs would it be worth talking to her about it and trying to work this out? However if you think you have been subjected to this behaviour several times in the past now could be the time to walk away. Some people are not worth investing your time in. If they can't recognise a good friend and see that they are worth more than material things it might be time to end the friendship.

I feel for you op. A similar thing happened to me just after my twins were born three years ago. I'd moved out of London just before they were born. My very good friend who is still in London ghosted me several months after they were born. We went from discussing me going to visit her in the spring to her just completely ignoring me. She never responded again to a single text, phone call or even the heart felt letter I sent her asking what was wrong. To this day I still don't know why she did it.

It hurts like hell but it is their failing not ours. No decent person does what they have done. We are better off without them

@Faith50 I had another friend. My children were also friends with her children. We always got on well. We ran the PTA together, with a few other really nice parents, we were also friends with. Until a couple of other parents decided they could do it better and set out to be rude and disruptive and basically push us out. One had a go at me & my ‘friend' at Christmas Fair, in my friend’s presence, and made the whole event (which we ran and were responsible for) miserable. She was being dodgy with the proceeds. She told the Head, at the event, that I’d ‘questioned her integrity’ - I had not. (She was also a TA) Head stood up for her. The rules were re-written to suit her - I was left out of any discussion, even though I was ultimately responsible as a trustee and treasurer.
I was deeply upset and left after winding things up and handing over - dealing with the charities commission etc. My ‘friend’ basically threw me under a bus, and I only found out a bit later that she had secured a nice p/t role in a school via glowing ref from the Head. At a Christmas party the following year, she asked me if I was still doing the PTA, and feigned ignorance of the unpleasant event, because ‘of course, I wasn’t there’ as she said. But she was. She witnessed and bore the brunt of it, but let me be painted in a bad light, then distanced herself from the whole thing to allow her to maintain a positive relationship with the Head in order to get a rather nice role a few months later.

I realised then, she had never been my friend. She was always far too busy to facilitate our children’s friendship, so we only saw each other every six months, which was not enough to maintain the children’s friendship, which made my DD really sad. She was made to feel not quite good enough. We were relegated to acquaintances. I realised she only wanted to see me to catch up on the news from our previous school friendship group.
She texted me before lockdown last year to ‘get together for a catch up’. I never replied.

I have realised that some people only keep others around because they are useful to them or they see them as being on an equal social footing.

Those that are genuinely interested in others for who they are, and because they get on and develop a warm unbreakable bond of friendship are very rare indeed.

I am quite jaded from being used and abused, and my trust for people is fairly shattered from events of particularly the last 9 years, but I always try to take people at face value.

I could tell you about my neighbours, but I haven’t got all evening!

Doubletween
I agree that some people are not interested in you but in what you can do for them and the convenience of your friendship. Once a little effort is required, they will fizzle out. It is awful when you feel like the downgraded friend. You begin to question if you are dull, boring and lack something that others clearly have.

I was friendly with several of my dc's friends mothers. My dc moved schools and I arranged a few socials to keep the friendships going. I noticed they did not reciprocate. I decided to leave things, it has been a year......
I was not deeply hurt as we were more of acquaintances but it is still not very nice.

People can be fickle, social climbers, run hot and cold, always seeking the next best thing. Their behaviour speaks volumes about them and nothing about you.

I am happy with my few friendships. I am not willing to chase for anyone's time.

It hurts but you seem to have a good perspective on it OP. Sounds like you regret it but have had enough xx

I do really miss the ease of just getting on with someone, without an agenda. I found it so much easier when I was younger!