Before I start, I really am just looking for somewhere to process this. Please be kind as its a lifetime of shit that has got me here.
I have aspergers (diagnosed). I was also emotionally and physically abused throughout childhood and adolescence mainly because I wasn't diagnosed until adulthood and my parents spent many years trying to 'correct' me through punishment, shame and humiliation. I'm not a bad person. I just don't process and function like most people because of the impact of these two factors.
I have posted before but I'm in a much better place now and have far greater clarity and understanding.
One of the things I was told was that no one would ever love me. This was for everything from my physical appearance to just the way I was. And I believed it until a couple of years ago.
I've recently completed a programme of therapy (as has been suggested to me irl and also on here). It's been brilliant. Obviously, I can't change the aspergers but it's helped massively in terms of how I see myself etc. I'm far calmer, better at self regulating, greater understanding of myself.
Where I am now is here...
I no longer believe that I am unlovable but I think it's unlikely to ever happen now. And it's less of an issue to me now as a result of therapy.
I have also accepted that I am unable to have a standard relationship in the way that other people do. Partly because of the way I am and partly because of the way I have become. I have no experience of a kind and loving relationship and no experience of being loved by a partner.
But, like many other people, I have a need for companionship, sex, intimacy, closeness, etc.
For the past 4 months, I have been in a fwb situation with a close friend of mine. On many levels, I suppose it looks like a relationship - mutual support; we care about each other; we spend time together going for days out etc. Except that it isn't. He isn't in love with me and never has been (we've known each other for a few years and been close friends for the past two). And i am not in love with him although we care about each other a lot. He is emotionally distant and has been single for a long time. I don't think he's any more capable of a relationship than I am really. We've talked about it. He is attracted to me and cares about me but he doesn't want more than that.
We haven't agreed to be exclusive but I know he isn't seeing anyone else. I have no idea if he's interested in or talking to other women but that doesn't matter because we're not in a relationship.
I have a second fwb. Again I've known him.for a few years but the fwb is a recent development. I've been clear with him that I'm not looking for a relationship. But what I get from him is the 'nice' stuff. The romance and the flirting, the holding hands and the sweet things that I've always seen in other relationships but never had myself.
Between these two men, I have all my relationship needs/desires covered without actually being in a relationship. Which means I have all of the nice stuff and the good bits but none of the stress and neither of them can hurt me because I have no feelings of love for them and they don't for me. One is distant emotionally; the other is distant in years.
But I know that this isn't standard. I know a lot of people won't understand. I know people will tell me I won't meet someone who could love me while I'm wasting my time. I know people will tell me I will get hurt. I won't because there is no commitment and no expectation.
If either of them met and fell in love with someone, I'd wish them well. I'd hope we could still be friends (as we were before the benefits) but I would accept it if they didn't feel it was appropriate. I have no thoughts that it could be me who met someone and fell in love because it doesn't happen.
Not really asking a question. I'm just looking for somewhere to process.