not interested or no experience? please be brutally honest!

[stuckducks]

New ish DP, exclusively dating. He is the best man I’ve met ever I think. I realise that sounds a bit over the top and I don’t know him completely yet, but I am very happy with him. We laugh a lot, we have similar interests, he’s very kind very funny very caring. What I’m about to say will have some posters suggesting he is married etc but I can say with as much certainty as is possible that that is not the case.

One thing that is just becoming a big problem for me is that he is massively inflexible. We don’t live together and he doesn’t work from home, I do and always have. His hours are unpredictable (works in banking role) and mine are full on but flexible. If I get the work done then I can work wherever and however I like. Some weekends he will work (that’s normal in his profession). I’ve said to him repeatedly that during those times I would like to see him in the week, just for a night. I’ve offered to go over when he finished work, work from his place the following day then see him for dinner the next night. Maybe I’m asking too much?? His response is always that he wants to and he misses me but he ‘doesn’t know how it will work.’ I have been round in circles with him about this. I’ve spelled out exactly how it could work... ie I will leave when he leaves work and get there half an hour after he’s home. We will then have dinner and go to bed, even if it’s late and he’s finished mid evening. I’ve said I don’t mind. A couple of times he has agreed, we’ve had a lovely time and the next day he texts saying he’s so glad that I stayed and that it was nice waking up together etc. But actually getting him to agree to it is really starting to damage my self esteem as I just don’t understand the reluctance?

I have raised this with him and he just doesn’t really say anything other than he doesn’t see how it could work it is infuriating that he won’t spell out to me what the issue is. This then led to me getting frustrated and asking him how he expects a relationship to be maintained when he can’t even spend a night in the week together? I asked if he was bothered about it and if he even cared about this...to which he burst into tears, said he’s rubbish at relationships and he’s trying

When he’s had a drink he will often say he’s so thankful I am patient with him and he’s sorry he is so rubbish at all this. I think what he says is genuine.

Aside from this issue, when he’s not working weekends and we are together it is wonderful. It is the best relationship I’ve ever had. We speak on the phone often and I miss him massively when apart. He does thoughtful things like sorts my car as he knows i hate all that stuff, he’s sent me books he thinks I would like, he comes to visit me on his time off. All the usual stuff.

My best friend has said I need to totally withdraw from this and show him that if he can’t commit to regular week day meet ups during weeks he is working all over a weekend, then he doesn’t get the phone calls, the texts and the nice weekend dates. She thinks this is the best chance of making him realise what damage he is doing. I am minded to send one last message on it, being direct and just suggesting a day to go over next week. Then if he doesn’t agree or is difficult, maybe say very little and leave him to it from there?

It’s horrible because he is everything I wanted in someone apart from this bit that he just can’t seem to be flexible about.

He sounds a bit weak "I don't see how it could work" seems a bit pathetic, he should be open with you if he doesn't want you to stay in his house not make up weak excuses. I also think you're having to bend over backwards to see him, I get why you're doing it but it must feel a bit crappy as he still turns you down. Yes he works long hours but so do many people!
I think have a full on proper discussion with him as to what he's after. Do you want marriage and children in the future? If so are you going to have the same issues? Having to drag him reluctantly along? I think eventually this will damage your self esteem as it's such hard work.

To me it sounds like he's not that into you or he may be seeing other people. Or he may be too busy.

Regardless of what it is, it isn't working for you (understandably) so tell him clearly that you like him but you can't continue in a relationship where you don't see each other as much. I don't understand why in banking he doesn't know the hours he's working etc.

So unless he changes (and by his comments, it doesn't sound like he wants to) then I would finish things with him and move on.

The whole “I’ll stay at your house to work and be there the next day” thing strikes me as very odd, to be honest. Why not just try to arrange dinner on Wednesday? If you want to stay over - great. Leave when he does and go and work at home as usual (presumably saves carting stuff around too). It all sounds a bit regimented, honestly.

Yeah I agree @Crosstrainer I don’t need to work from his. That’s unnecessary.

I won’t suggest that. I will give it another go and see how he responds but after that I’m going to have to be strong and back off and leave him to it.

Is he 37 or early 40s? You’ve said both.

@Shemeanswell trying to be vague to protect identity! He’s in between. Closer to 40.

I work in finance and the last year has been telling work wise. Redundancies galore and more work. I wfh but quite often find myself working til late and I'll be switching the lap Top on a bit for a few hours, to get ahead on the week.
I'm not sure that at 5 .in the in I would be happy to rearrange my life for swine. What you want is fine. But I .ca n also see that the last thing he wants at this point is someone coming over at 9pm when he's had a long shit day.

I can see that @ALittleBitConfused1 but how can things progress if he works some weekends, even consecutive weekends at times? If he can’t budge on a week night then how does that work?

Bloody he'll so many typos, that will teach me to write with no glasses on. I think it's still readable lol.
Point is op he doesn't seem to be able to give you what you want right now. So maybe it's time to find that with someone else.

I wouldn't have someone I'd been dating for 5 months stay in my house while I'm at work.

Not when the relationship is this new.

He probably likes his space and the thought of that makes him feel uncomfortable.

Maybe one last discussion to see if it can change. If it doesn't, move on. It won't take long either to establish if it will.

For the first 4 months of seeing each other my now husband and I only saw each other once every 3 weeks.

I can’t remember exactly how frequently we saw each other after that but we gradually built up how often we saw each other. Your relationship is still very new and maybe he just doesn’t want to rush things?

@Minezatea

I agree with *@partyatthepalace* - don't start playing mind games. That is not healthy in any relationship. I actually don't think your DP has done anything wrong other than his 'I can't see how it will work' which is a weak way of saying 'I don't want to talk about it'. You seem to want more regular contact than he does. That's OK. But you need to decide whether this relationship will work for you or not. At 5 months in btw, my now DH was staying at mine when I was at work, though I respect others if they feel differently about that. I don't think this is the relationship for your in all honesty. It's going to continue to feel like hard work and this is the honeymoon phase. You want someone who also needs more regular contact. Nothing wrong with that and I hope you find him .

I absolutely agree with this.

He's been honest - he doesn't see how it could work.

You need to listen to that and decide if you're willing for this to always be the dynamic / frequency of seeing him.

If it's not for you (which it wouldn't be for most people longer term) then you need to walk away, because for him he can keep going like this forever as it's what works for him. But you want more and it doesn't sound like you can have it with him.

He might be a perfectly nice bloke but just not compatible due to this issue - he's been honest and said he doesn't see how to make it work, so listen to him.

Oh and FWIW I wouldn't want someone in my home without me until wayyyy further into the relationship! I can't even really articulate why, it just would feel intrusive and uncomfortable. I think most people would feel the same.

I would put money on you being anxious attachment style and him being avoidant. Such a difficult dynamic. Sounds a bit like my relationship but I've got a kid and am older which is the reason I give for it being hard. If you're only 29 I reckon you should date other people and find someone more compatible. You could see anyone! He has issues.

I think I would let him come to you. You are trying way too hard. He knows where you are - isn’t it time he does some running?

@Sunflower1970 well for example he’s been in contact today and initiated that. I know that’s not the same as other forms of effort but it makes me think he’s genuine? He’s interested?

I’ve not mentioned next week yet. I do sense he gets very very stressed about things and tries to keep that to himself

Hard as it is you are not getting the kind of relationship you are looking for here and doesnt seem as if it's going to change. Hard as it is, maybe you need to concentrate on other areas and friendships and take a step back. It might initiate a conversation on his part if he is missing you. x

@stuckducks

Yeah I tend to agree, he is extremely stuck in his ways. I would be happy to just stay over then go home following day, I did wonder if staying at his without him there was too much. Maybe put him off? I don’t know. He said not.

It probably isn’t going to go anywhere is it. I am gutted about it as I really really liked him a lot. It’s not a relationship if we don’t see each other at least once a week though.

When I first started dating my husband. We’d go months without seeing each other as he lived hours away

We’ve been married over 10 years now. Been together nearly 17.

It sounds a bit strong to me. You’ve ONLY been dating 5 months. Staying over at his during the week isn’t necessary. Banking is known for the long long hours. Working weekends etc. Hence why it’s so well paid. It’s hard work. My husband often to this day works till midnight during the week and some weekends all he does is work. It’s really difficult.

Hang back. Show him your interested. But it’s a bit soon. Maybe he likes to just relax. Even having a partner there can make it hard to unwind for some. You’re making it like it’s all or nothing. Just because you can’t see him during the week doesn’t mean he doesn’t adore you.

Just relax. Calm down. Have fun. You’re only 27! (Or 29). You’re only young and single a while!

@stuckducks hope you're okay, have you had chance to think about what you want to do? Been thinking about you as I was in this situation a while back. I always wondered whether it could have worked out!

I think it sounds like when he is a full working week he is not comfortable with the interruption to his mindset. When you have stayed over in the week he has been surprised it was good, but he defaults back to being protective of his working week time afterwards. After all no-one can promise his work will not be affected - on all future occasions.

I do sort of get this. On evenings before a full on day at work I prefer not to go out because it affects my ability to be fully focused the next day and I'm not talking about a full on night out.

A new relationship can be very distracting and he's clearly not used to the emotional balancing act (and work also has emotional value). He sounds like a nice guy who can't see you quite as much as you would ideally want. Do you really think you will find someone who has it all?

This is a nice talk on you tube by Dan Savage - The Price of Admission .

Oh OP, this is not going to lead to a relationship that will leave you fulfilled.

He is obviously a workaholic, rigid about routine, cannot compromise easily, and wants a relationship that satisfies all his needs, without considering if he is satisfying yours. Has he ever lived with a partner before?

If in his 40s, 5 months in, he isn't spending more than a night or 2 with you, he isn't interested in a relationship. A relationship is one where you are integrated into his life and routine - otherwise you may as well be friends with benefits. And by seeing each other so infrequently the relationship cannot progress - and he may have years to waste trying to figure out if you are compatible or not. Do you? You have to be very out of touch with your needs and instincts to not know by this time, and with this much life experience, how to grow emotional intimacy with someone you're dating.

He might be a great man - and somewhere out there is an equally detached woman who will make him happy. Please don't aspire to be that woman because it isn't you. There are plenty of relationships that operate more like business partnerships/friendships rather than deeply intimate connections - this man seems to want the former. It really should not be this hard to get a man you are in a relationship with to want to see you more than once a week!

I'd throw this one back. Not everyone you have chemistry with, and fall in love with, make suitable life partners. The real test is how you feel day to day - do you feel loved, content and like you're in the relationship you always wanted? If you aren't feeling that way, and feeling frustrated and anxious - then you likely aren't with the right person. Life is tough, and you want someone who will always be there for you. In person. Not at the other end of a phone.

As an aside, I worked in investment banking for a decade, and did all the long hours. All my male colleagues dated and had long term relationships/marriage through their 20s and 30s and made the time to see their girlfriends. I remember a colleague asking us to cover for him so he could see his new gf on a weekend - he was worried he'd lose her because his long hours meant he couldn't see her as much as he liked. Another would always keep a spare suit and toiletries in the office, so he could go to his gf spontaneously on days he finished a bit earlier.

There were also eternal bachelors in their 40s-50s, never married, likely on the spectrum who on paper had it all, but could not deal with the disruption relationships caused. It took more than they could give of themselves.

I too made the time for my partners, because seeing them was the best part of my week! It relaxed me and I enjoyed it, so of course I was going to find a way to get as much of them as I could. The old adage that if something is important enough, people will find a way, is very true.

5 months in my boyfriend and I couldn't see one another enough. I'd have one foot out of the door to go home and he'd be asking me when I was going back!

Dont suggest any further meet ups, you are doing all the leg work here.

If he doesn't arrange to see you of his own accord, you have your answer.