being a martyr - why do we/I do it ? what's the motivation ?

[peridito]

Is there the equivalent of AA for people addicted to being a martyr ?

In my case I know I'm the only person who can carry out most tasks to my standards ,that leaving them to my partner will result in my having to do them again .And that if I don't bother to delegate I can skip a lot of the resentment and irritation involved in leaving it to him .

examples for background - potatoes draining in seive over pan and are mashed in situ .Not noticed half goes through sieve . ( ok ,not bad I can see that )

                                          plastic bag of oven chips left on hot oven door during process of putting said chips in oven 

                                          Christmas present for my mother smothered in masking tape rather than the available sellotape 

                                           10month old in pushchair with only 1 of a three clasp harness fastened .

It's hard to give a flavour as the inability permeates every facet of life .

And after 30 years has ,I suspect ,hardened and deepened .Because of course my approach in doing everything has robbed him of any motivation and has further undermined his competence .

Thoughts ?

Hi, @peridito, the potatoes is actually the one that would rankle (ha) me the most because it's wasting food. That and the safety issue with the pushchair. The chip bag on the oven door could maybe be a time-saving exercise and so long as the bag didn't melt may not be so bad. It is kind of silly, but we all do the odd similar thing when in a rush. The Christmas present thing is neither here nor there because you use what you can find at the time and maybe the sellotape was missing? Obviously a neatly-wrapped present is more visually pleasing...but it all ends up in the bin anyway (the paper not the present!!)

There has to be a bit of leeway with some things when you live with someone, but the issue likely is that he has slightly lower standards and you have slightly higher ones. You need to somehow meet in the middle! This seems to be a common problem with men not appearing to see mess in the same way women do...or it's that we tidy up...so they never have to bother to remember?!

I am similar to you; and my dh to your dh; I so can relate, but have realised that I need to be a bit more relaxed and weirdly, in doing so, dh has picked up a bit more slack.

When you work out who does what in the house, apparently a person always thinks they've done more than the other, regardless of whether they actually have. Maybe one of you sorts the bins and one washes up more or one tidies more often and the other hoovers. Only you know if you've reached the end of your tether with everything. Have you both spoken about it and if so, what happens when you do?

Try CODA - lots of that is codependency

Carrying out tasks to "your standard". Maybe just let them get on with it. If you want the present wrapped nicely do it yourself.

Thank you guineapig .

Ah ,those were just small examples ,and yes of course the bag melted .And it happens again .

It's hard to convey the degree of absence ,incompetence .And I don't really want to focus on that .I'm angry with myself that my way of dealing with it is to just take over .Which makes his incompetence worse and me resentful .How could I be so stupid!

I think I've learnt a lesson too late!

Thanks Haggis ,I'll google .

Has it caused your DP to have a lack or confidence or low self-esteem?

Sounds more to me like a man who's never pulled his weight, who doesn't consider the consequences of his actions.
I'm not sure how you solve that problem apart from deciding clearly that you will step away and let him learn by his mistakes. Obviously not where safety is concerned.

Of course, your husband could be deliberately sloppy or just neglectful. But what if you are one of those people for whom nothing is good enough unless done by your rules? Telling the difference between the two is not always easy - but this sounds like something you are grappling with.....which is a good start to understanding this situation. Of course, it could be both: your husband could be deliberately hopeless around the house PLUS you could be a perfectionist for whom nothing is right.

I imagine that feeling like a martyr, like you "have to do everything" could be very addictive...you get to feel righteous anger, and sense that you are superior. But imagine how undermining and fraught it is to live with someone who is constantly simmering about how you are "doing it wrong", even when you are doing things pretty competently by the average person's standards and really are trying your best?

I think we have learnt it from our mothers or significant figures when we were young and now we know no other way. I am not 'doing a harry' I just think there is so much of this in our culture, I seem to meet endless women who, like me, get riled at the slightest thing, and have incompetent husbands, and love to tell everyone know difficult our lives are. I am a perfectionist in recovery in therapy. It has always been about my anger and need for control.

All of the things you've listed are ridiculous and would also have me wondering how my DH functioned in the real world. But, apart from the pushchair fastening, which is a safety issue, I wouldn't see them as anything to do with me?

If DH was mashing potatoes through a sieve (wtf?!) I'd leave him to it and he could clear up the mess afterwards. It wouldn't occur to me to 'correct' him, because he's a 30-something year old man and I'm not his mother.

I also wouldn't 'pull him up' on the pushchair thing. I'd probably either just do it or say something like 'those fastenings are a pain in the arse aren't they, shall I have a go?' Or something like that. He's a grown man - I'd try to talk to him respectfully rather than berate him.

Well being a martyr is such a waste of energy - you probably spend your time feeling resentful and annoyed with him. From what you said though he seems pretty useless.

You can only change your behaviour OP, so you either need to accept that he won't always meet your standards and just get on with life, or leave him. The alternative is to keep being a martyr which is horrible for him and you. (and your dc too when they get older - I had a mother who was a martyr and it was shit for us).

He sounds like an idiot to be frank. I'm guessing his mum did everything when he was growing up?

I'm guessing yours did too? It's all learned behavior from childhood/society really. Women sadly are the ones who have to break the cycle by raising their standards and being wiser in who we choose to partner up with (no judgment here btw I chose badly too).

If you can't find someone who knows how to strap a baby harness properly, then I really truly think women are much better off and likely to thrive on their own rather than dealing with the constant frustration and resentments these relationships cause.

I don't see it as you being a martyr, your dh sound like an incompetent idiot. Wtf mashes potatoes in a sieve, or puts potatoes in a plastic bag on top of a hot hob. My dd at age 10 would understand that it didn't work.

I don't even think it's incompetence. It sounds like passive aggression to me. It's not being a martyr to notice and resent that, but unless you want to carry on forever in the same vein you need to ask yourself if there's a solution, and if not how long you're willing to put up with it all.

Sounds like deliberate incompetence to me. You need to make sure that he feels the consequences of it. So with the mash I'd serve myself and the kids a big portion each and if there's not enough for him because he tipped half of it in the sink oh well

I came here to suggest CODA as well. I joined a couple of meetings online you can just dip in and out and it's free. Attending one or 2 would help you identify relevant behaviours to know whether it's worth persuing (there's work books, 12 step study groups etc if you really get into it)

Interesting ,some truth in all the posts .

I do particularly relate to this this though and think it describes the dynamic .

I imagine that feeling like a martyr, like you "have to do everything" could be very addictive...you get to feel righteous anger, and sense that you are superior. But imagine how undermining and fraught it is to live with someone who is constantly simmering about how you are "doing it wrong",

I honestly don't have high standards and am not a perfectionist .But I have little time for complete laziness ( as in I'll leave a smear of jam in the jar so that I don't have to put in the bin ,if I can work out which bin )and not much patience for people who wont engage their brain .

So the following even when you are doing things pretty competently by the average person's standards and really are trying your best is not the situation .

I'm a martyr because for some reason I feel others needs come first so I am constantly thinking of what others want or need but get upset when others don't reciprocate. I have always had low self esteem and feel others are more deserving. So I am a martyr in a different way to you. I try to live up to my husband's standards because I can't seem to do anything right. I feel resentful when I put others first because no one puts me first but it is so ingrained now. I get really annoyed with myself.

OP you’re not alone. My DH is pretty useless too and then gets upset when I pull him up on stuff. I tried the “let him get on with it” approach and it ended with us getting a £250 fine (he hadn’t changed the address our car was registered to so a normal fine got increased as they had to search for us). It’s exasperating.

I have no answers - am looking for answers myself. So fed up of it!

It's a really interesting question OP and I admire your ability to reflect on your behaviour.

Your behaviour immediately rankled me, because my mother was the same and she's very controlling. I have severe anxiety because of it. I'm wondering if you were hovering in the background watching him sieve potatoes and making anxious noises. Or doing other things for example facial expressions or banging things about or tutting to show contempt at his incompetence. If not that's just me and my trauma!

My mum: Here, mash these potatoes
Me: starts mashing potatoes
Mum: Oh for Christ's sake! You're making a shit of them! Give that here!

It doesn't sound like codependence to me, it sounds like a control thing.

I agree, but to me it's the partner who's doing the controlling. It comes back to passive aggression for me. He gets to be as useless as he likes, doesn't get asked to do too much as a result and in any conflict he can blame the OP for being unreasonable. Making her feel like she's choosing to be a martyr is just a form of gaslighting about what's really going on imo.

I don't want to negate your experience maskface but you're talking about a parent/child relationship, where the parent ought to expect to help the child learn to do things as well as they, the parent, can already do them, and refusing to allow for that learning curve is toxic, I agree. But OP's partner is already an adult and ought to be able to do things to a reasonable standard already.

I mean, really, who - apart from someone who doesn't ever want to be asked again - would wrap a present with masking tape ffs? It's not controlling to expect him to do better than that, surely.

It feels to me as though this is a form of passive resistance, OP. Does he also procrastinate a lot? ime you see this in people who want everybody to like them and don't ever want to say, 'actually I don't want to help you with that' - but don't want to do it either. I bet he grew up in a home where the sky fell down if anyone ever voiced their real needs or feelings.

I’m intrigued at the explanations of how women have made this man like this - you op, through your martyrdom, his dm by doing things for him, and you dm indirectly in your youth. We really are an extraordinarily powerful sex to wield so much power and influence over men.

maskface - yes my natural inclination would be to hover and hand on heart I can't say I've never done that .But I do have awareness and control this urge so that 99% of the time I dont . I tend to absent myself when if he's doing stuff ,although of course I know even1% will do damage .

conker yes ,copy that .We inherited 3000 .Me - "lets pay off the balance on our credit cards " him "good idea" .He didn't .Nor did he set up a debit to pay off minium balance every month .

notawittyname I am similar to you .I think it's upbringing and hard to shift . I 'm the only female who had 5+ male siblings .I had a twin brother whom I had to look out for a lot . Somehow I can't shake the feeling that everyone else's happiness/comfort comes before mine ,even that if I am happy that is at someone else's expense .By the way - come on lovely ,choose a different username .No shame in it not being clever and funny!

missing mmm ,could be some truth there .Except I think it's not intentional ,more a default .

legohoover yes ,yes ,yes .There is an element in me that jumps on the moral highground and feels superior ,I wont deny that .And he will know that .But do I have to twist myself into all kinds of knots to retrain him without upsetting him ?

What I do lack is light hearted responses like the one squishmittens gave to the inadequate pushchair clasp fastening
'those fastenings are a pain in the arse aren't they, shall I have a go?'
Finally though ,I think I just do things myself or redo them ( out of his sight) because for me that lessens the resentment .Basically I don't have the skills to change his behaviour .I know I'm digging a hole and that the situation wont change .