Question for all

[Willing2acceptAdvice]

Hi all,

My partner and recently got back together. Before taking some time apart she was friends with a group of people one of them a guy.

Whilst apart he has been doing things for her around her new house and has said to her “I know you are out of my league”.

I have voiced my concerns about him as he is constantly messaging her, but she says she has no interest in him like that. She initially refused to accept that what he said was him saying her liked her, but it’s clear that he was testing the water.

My issue is she goes out on days out with him, he goes round her house for dinner with her and her mum. He makes things for her. He buys her things and they have been to set exhibitions and walks together etc.

If I’m honest he sounds like a creep and I have told her I don’t trust him. However I’m not someone that will tell her what she can or can not do so she continues to see him.

I suppose I’m asking you all for your thoughts. Who here would be happy with them continuing their friendship?

Who would feel uncomfortable about it?

Should I say I want her to stop seeing him and messaging him?

Thank you to those who read this and reply. I do appreciate your time regardless of what you say.

Dont be controlling. You say you're not like that, but you are asking whether you should be like that.

I have plenty of male friends, as I play guitar and jams are usually male musicians. If my fiance told me he didnt want me going to the jams and music nights, getting pissed and dancing and going back to each other's houses, I'd leave him. I'd have a better life without him in it stopping me having fun.

As for men fancying us, you lot can be twats and we have had to learn to navigate you. Maybe your gfs mate does come on to her and is a twat. You are toying with being controlling so perhaps you are a twat too. Maybe you both ought to be grateful she tolerates you.

If you've voiced how you feel and told her he makes you uncomfortable, there's not much else you can do. It's up to her to decide wether she wants to stop contact with him.

I had this happen with a friend who decided he wanted to be more than friends when I met my now DH. I always made it clear that wasn't going to happen. DH was uncomfortable with him sending messages etc and despite me making the boundaries clear this "friend" continued to send messages that became inappropriate and I ended all contact out of respect for myself and for DH.

She might not be feeling uncomfortable though, she might actually enjoy this friends company.

If you don't think you can get past it if she wishes to continue to contact the guy, then I guess it isn't going to work

He sounds like he is trying for a relationship with her.

I wouldn't like it personally and all these people who say "you can have different sex friends" yes but not if one is romantically involved. Platonic friends yes.

I think she knows he like her, and quite likes him lap dogging around her. Plus your jealous so another plus for her, two men fighting over her 🤷‍♀️

Nah it's dodgy
She's enjoying the attention of two males
Think you should get out more with mates be vague start a hobby go to gym just be less 'available' to her

I think the best way to handle this is to recontextualise it. At the moment you are looking primarily at the relationship between the two of them, and feeling threatened. That is because when you are looking at them, you are naturally off to the side - the third party in the matter. Let’s turn it around: focus on your relationship with her. That’s the primary focus. Are you getting what you need to develop and build that relationship? Is her relationship with this guy getting in the way of that in some way - taking too much of her time, energy, attention, to the detriment of her relationship with you?

If you’re not getting what you need in a relationship then it’s totally appropriate to assert your needs and consider whether your partner is able to fulfil them. When I say ‘needs’, I don’t mean ‘I need a partner with no close male friends’. I mean for example ‘ I need a partner who’s regularly available to see me on evenings and weekends and willing to plan days out together’. So if you feel she’s not making enough time for you, that’s a reasonable problem and I would raise it in that context. It’s not about what else she’s choosing to spend her time on - it’s about you not feeling centred in her life.

If you broke up before and are now trying to work, it is particularly important for both of you to consider whether your needs are being met. Perhaps she’s getting something from her relationship with him which she isn’t getting from you. Perhaps you aren’t getting what you need from her. Perhaps it’s time to reconsider whether your relationship works, having given it a second try?

*and are now trying to MAKE IT work, I should have said

I feel like he's trying to be a lovely gentleman to her. He likes her so he's treating her well. Not a creep!

If anything it sounds like she is taking alot from him an then she has another lovely Chap (you) who also wants to love her. She kinda needs to be honest with herself and choose one man to focus on a life with.

Good luck x

You can't ask her to stop seeing her friend but you can end the relationship with her if it's not meeting your needs.

I have male friends and have no issue with a boyfriend having female friends. There have, on occasions, been men I've dated who've had an 'odd' relationship with a female friend and I've walked away - regardless of his protestations of there being no feelings or nothing going on.

I make choices about what behaviours I am willing to accept in a relationship. But I don't dictate the behaviour of others.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this level of contact from another guy. Sounds like he wants a relationship with her and she's ignoring that and enjoying the attention/company.
Agree with SimonedeBeauvoirscat totally.
You've only just got back together so it may be worth waiting to see how it all pans out before saying anything to her about it.

Why did you split up?

It sounds to me as if she essentially met someone while you weren’t together, Maybe nothing happened, but that friendship has developed now and now that you’re back together this bloke she met while you were apart is still in the picture.

I wouldn’t be demanding she cut contact with him, I have male friends and I wouldn’t stand for being told who I could and couldn’t be friends with, but I do think that a conversation around where you are going and whether this bloke is more than just your average friend and how you feel about the contact.

Sounds like he is keen but she has ‘friend zoned’ him. So he is probably not a threat, but still, if it makes you uncomfortable she really should be sensitive to your views and setting some clear boundaries around their friendship.

Should I say I want her to stop seeing him and messaging him?

No you shouldn't. She isn't your possession. You are focused on him instead of your relationship with her.
From her point of view she gets something from the friendship. She gets companionship, and pleasant days out, and company. Put some effort in and do some stuff together.

@shivermetimbers77

Sounds like he is keen but she has ‘friend zoned’ him. So he is probably not a threat, but still, if it makes you uncomfortable she really should be sensitive to your views and setting some clear boundaries around their friendship.

This