40 and approach to sex

[roundthatway]

NC as bit embarrassed about this! Me and DP (if you can call him that after a few months!) recently had sex for first time. We’d had a few drinks and he was quite relaxed. He’s often very shy and reserved. It wasn’t great sex as it was first time but it definitely wasn’t bad at all. Afterwards he seemed keen to know I was ok and he didn’t seem to just let go while doing it, it seemed like he was very conscious to be doing it ‘right.’ But it wasn’t bad!

Every stage of intimacy has been slow. Weeks before we kissed etc. He is 40 and never had a serious relationship. From what he’s told me I think he last had sex maybe ten years ago...consistent sex at least.

He’s amazing at touch, holds me in a way nobody ever has, he’s just great really.

The problem...he doesn’t seem to want to have sex again yet. We haven’t been as tipsy since the last time and I wonder if it’s a confidence thing? He is always hard when we are kissing or cuddling, he enjoys oral and has said many times it’s incredible and I’m great at it, but even that he will sometimes brush me away and just hold me and kiss instead.

I did wonder if he wasn’t attracted to me or something like that but he’s always touching me, when we are intimate he definitely seems to enjoy it, he tells me he enjoys it and he’s always hard when we even cuddle.

I have asked him about it but he closes up and says he is just wanting to take it slow and sometimes he just likes a cuddle.

Is something weird going on here?! Should I be patient? I don’t think talking to him about it will help as he just says he likes to go slowly. It’s been a few months now though.

Very very shy? Self conscious?
If he has repressed his feelings for years and years he might be feeling very inhibited.

I wonder if he’s been too used to ‘self service’ for the last ten years and needs a firm grip.

@Latelatelate maybe but then why do it once at all?

@DinosaurDiana yes I was worried about that. Does that mean sex is doomed for him? I expect he has done that regularly for a long time given he’s been single over ten years

Sounds like he enjoying the blowies! Does he cum when you do that? A lot of men are done once they cum.

@ShutUpAlex yes he does. He always says it’s amazing etc and I can tell he’s enjoying it. I’ve stopped doing it the last couple of weeks to try and embark more on sex but that’s not worked. He’s also been known to decline oral when I’ve just started doing it. But he’s so so affectionate and intimate generally that I don’t think it’s lack of attraction between us.

You just need to have a conversation with him. Literally, “why won’t you have sex with me?”

@ShutUpAlex I have, he says he wants to take it slowly. It’s been months though and also we did it once before anyway!

Does he do anything for you, or is he just getting blow jobs off you? Does he make you orgasm?

Maybe he has some ED and doesn't trust his erections for intercourse.

I think you need to have a proper conversation about this. There is obviously something going on in his head. He may be shy or embarrassed about talking about it; a lot of people are. It would probably help if you opened up first, telling him how much you like him and how much you enjoy your intimacy - but you would really like more. Ask him how he feels and what he would like.

If he doesn't open up (you should be able to tell easily if he does by the connection you feel), then you'll need to think about whether he is worth the effort it will take on your part to make him more open and sharing with you. And, of course, whether he wants the same kind of sex life that you do. Because a life of frustration will eat away at you

Gosh that's odd? I'd be a bit worried too OP as obviously there's something going on. Maybe give it a timeframe (another three months or so?) let him "take it slow" and if things don't ramp up have another conversation with him and ask him bluntly what's going on. If he won't open up at that stage then I'd be considering ending things as this could have a terrible impact on your self esteem.

Sounds like hard work. Even if not deliberately, he is playing mind sex games with you. Like you said, everything seems to be like pulling teeth. Oh, and 40 year old med don’t change

Er, so you're giving him blowies, but he doesn't want to do anything for you?

In my book, men have to earn their orgasm by giving you (at least) one first.

@CabernetSoWhat he does touch me and he has given oral a couple of times.

I get the sense he’s nervous about sex but also he’s very very affectionate and likes cuddles and closeness so I think he’s also quite happy with that. If he wasn’t always erect I would wonder if it was an attraction thing but I’m not sure it’s that as he’s always wanting to be close.

If his erections are good enough for intercourse, the as PP suggested, something going on in his head if he avoiding intercourse

It could he is scared about getting you pregnant.
Or.
If he might be he is scared of hurting you with PIV sex.
Or.
Or it could be he’s had a bad experience with sex in the past and is actively avoiding sex.
Or
It could be he’s just inexperienced in relationships/ sex so doesn’t really have any preset ideas about frequency in a relationship
Or he just doesn’t like intercourse, (maybe the he didn’t like the sex with you 🤷🏼‍♂️).

Only he can tell you,
but might be worth setting an expectation that you would like sex on a regular basis and needs to step up, but of course that could backfire and push him away ?

As others say a somewhat blunt conversation may be needed about your expectations when it comes to sex etc, if he has not been in many relationships, he might not have the same expectations as you.

BUT as others say, I would expect ordinary a 40 yr old man to have quite a lot of sex (I seem to remember I did when I was 40, but that was a lot of years ago now )

Sorry, OP, but this isn't something I would have patience for. The antidote to nerves is to have more sex!

What happens when you instigate? Does he stop/divert you? If it means you taking the lead for a bit, that's one thing, but if he's blocking you, that's quite another.

Obviously, this might not be the issue, but if his problem is dependence on his right hand, that can definitely be overcome if he's willing. That's a conversation you'd need to have.

I don’t think it would be that he isn’t attracted to you - why would he be bothering to have a relationship with you if this was the case?

Maybe he doesn’t enjoy penetrative sex? Maybe he’s scared he will lose his erection? He could have had a bad experience with this in the past.

Is there a reason he hasn’t had a relationship before - was he not looking for one, or could he not find anybody?

The whole thing sounds strange and quite stressful to me. If it’s not working for you, it’s a reasonable reason to move on. (Not that you need a reason anyway). You have tried to talk to him about it, and it sounds like he isn’t really engaging.

I think if it was me I would give it one last try at a really honest conversation. Say, look, we are in our 40s, we have been dating quite a while now, I find it a bit strange that we have only had sex the once. I am looking for a relationship that includes sex. Is this something we can work on, or is it better if we just go out separate ways?

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

I think you need to talk to him about it. He may not want to, but tell him it’s important to you, and if he won’t discuss these issues with you, then you can’t see the relationship working.

NC for this. I sympathise OP, I'm in a relationship of similar length with a lovely man who I've known as a friend for several years. He's a bit older than your BF but similarly is v inexperienced in relationships/intimacy.

We've not got as far as you have yet and haven't had sex, oral or otherwise, he enjoys kissing/cuddling too and wants me close to him and is always hard when cuddling so like you I know it's not an attraction issue.

He has crippling anxiety about sex, he is a v shy person and it's hard to get him to talk. He is gradually opening up a little more to me and it seems to be a combination of things for him - a fear of failure/rejection making him feel v vulnerable and anxious about letting someone get close emotionally and physically and also and most significantly he suffered sexual abuse as a child which means he gets triggered often and has to stop.

We have been taking things incredibly slowly and often after each 'step forward' he then panics and we have to take a step back again until he's comfortable with trying again. Even though I reassure him he feels v guilty about this and the impact on me which in itself makes things difficult for him as it adds more stress.

I won't pretend it's easy and tbh sometimes I do wish I was with someone who could just enjoy sex without all the issues but because I've known my BF for some time I know he is a genuinely lovely decent wonderful man who is trying really hard to deal with and overcome his issues because he wants our relationship to work and he shows me every day through his actions how he cares and values me. Therefore I'm willing to put the time, patience and effort in to help him with his difficulties. I've done lots of reading around surviving sexual abuse and how to form relationships after that to help me understand his issues without him having to detail it all and that has been a huge help in mutual understanding.

While this may end up being a 'deal breaker' if we can't resolve these issues because ultimately I want a mutually satisfying sex life I know from my reading that this won't be a quick process and I'm willing to give it time and see how it goes.

OP I don't know whether your BF has similar issues or if it is a more straightforward 'death grip' type problem but I wanted to share my experience in case it helps.

If he is a decent man and you want to continue the relationship then I would focus on trying to get him to open up a little more outside the bedroom first so you can find out why he wants to 'go slowly' - I've found the best way of doing that is to admit my own vulnerability or issue, or to talk about 'something I've read about' or 'something I've been thinking about' as he finds it easier to say 'I feel like that too' rather than to come out and tell me what it is. Sometimes I'll say things like 'I've been thinking about why you got so stressed about X, I might be completely wrong on this but I was wondering if it's related to your concern about Y and Z.' He probably won't say much at the time but the following day or a few days later once he's thought about it he will then agree I was right or explain a little more.

Good luck OP

@daffodilstulips
That’s an incredible story, much kudos to you for trying so hard with this guy when others might have bailed, let him have a couple of beers on me 🍺🍺

The very best of luck with everything

@JustAnotherOldMan thank you

I admire your patience I couldn’t do it

In my view, this demonstrates why sex early on in a relationship is preferable. The quicker you know about these things the better.

This certainly sounds very odd. Some posters may think this idea is a little unkind, but have you considered telling him that you think you should stop seeing each other?

This should bring out the inevitable “why?”question. Hopefully this will open up the conversation properly allowing for a U turn if things are looking realistic for the longer haul.

Weigh up though whether the time and emotions spent on this are worth it.

I think it’s a bit odd and couldn’t be doing with this so early in the ‘relationship’.

I would end it. He has deep rooted issues