I come from a very dysfunctional family - alcoholic parents, large family, siblings doing the parenting role.
One of my sisters plays the Queen Bee role - she has fallen out with nearly everyone in the family for long periods of time - they have learned not to cross her, so she has their loyalty.
On the surface she’s out going funny caring and generous but it’s an act in private she’s mean and caustic.. Over the years I have challenged her on her worst excesses and subsequently been made the family scapegoat - all problems in the family are my fault.
I have been quite desperate to go non contact - but wanted to wait till my parents passed, so I could just cut them off and walk away without looking back. But it’s complicated - I live in a different country to my parents snd my siblings - try to make me feel guilty for not helping out more. I try to stay on good terms with them to keep the peace.
My Dad passed away last week they all behaved ok during the lead up to his death - giving me limited access over zoom and the funeral but once the funeral was over they enacted a plan to let me know exactly what they thought of me. It wasn’t subtle, it was cruel and deliberate and involved all of them except my mother and my Sil - first time my Dh had directly observed their behaviour and he still can’t quite wrap his head around what they did and that they did it on the day of my father’s funeral.
So I know I can’t fix this/them, I know reducing contact is the only way but my Mum is still living and she is vulnerable, despite her past I have forgiven her and would like to stay in her life, she doesn’t have much time left. I need to grieve for my father, I can’t be in contact with my siblings and I need to maintain contact with my mother - which I know before long they will be my only access to her because she is so frail.
How do people deal with toxic families snd frail parents - I’ve compromised for so long, said nothing and just accepted being scapegoated to keep the peace - I can’t do it anymore - not after the event that took place after my father’s funeral - my siblings are nothing to me - I wish to never see them again but I still love my mother.