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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insecure relationship

21 replies

Millierob101 · 15/05/2021 21:53

Unsure whether its just me being over sensitive but me and my OH have been together 2 years, live together. But i feel like he makes comments that make me feel insecure. He regularly talks to a girl ‘mate’ who he said while he was drunk he fancied, he has also told me they never talk about there partners etc (which i find odd). He implies i change my hair to look like her, change my style to be like her etc. I have brought the subject up, but i get knocked back with laughter and he just says theyve been friends a long time so to put up and shut up. Am i crazy?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2021 21:57

You’re not crazy. But if you stay with him you’ll probably start to think you are.

AreTurnipsReal · 15/05/2021 21:58

LTB

Cockenspiel · 15/05/2021 22:13

Doesn’t sound like an equal relationship and he enjoys mind-fucking you by triangulating you with other women.

Why do you allow him to treat you like this?

You could walk away and be so much happier.

namechanged9999 · 15/05/2021 22:16

Leave him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/05/2021 22:16

You'd be crazy to stay with someone who makes you feel shit about yourself.

Anonapuss · 15/05/2021 22:17

Its not respectful behaviour, its game playing.
It wont improve, you cant reverse this kind of disrespect.

LittleTiger007 · 15/05/2021 22:24

Does he really actually tell you to put up and shut up? I’d be out of there so fast. How rude and disrespectful.

nathanandfanny · 15/05/2021 22:31

No you are not crazy. He sounds really unpleasant

selfieelf · 15/05/2021 22:32

This sounds toxic. Get out quick.

HollowTalk · 15/05/2021 22:33

Your partner should be your best friend, the one person who keeps you sane. This guy's neither of these things.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/05/2021 22:34

@HollowTalk

Your partner should be your best friend, the one person who keeps you sane. This guy's neither of these things.
This is a really good way of thinking about it. If you had a friend who spoke to you that way and made you feel the way you do about yourself, would you want to remain their friend and spend time with them? Hopefully not. Same should apply with a partner.
Elieza · 15/05/2021 22:40

I reckon he’s just with you because she won’t have him. You’re second best. Sorry. If she said she wanted him you’d be dumped in a heartbeat.

Start planning where to go when you leave him or kick him out. He’ll tell you you’re mad and totally be a gaslighting bastard about this as he doesn’t want to be alone when he could use you until she splits with her man and he can swoop in, but I’d be making plans to go as this situation will not improve.

Mermaidwaves · 15/05/2021 23:18

Time to move on from this one, you will always be insecure with him and he probably gets off on that. You deserve someone who thinks you're the best and doesn't come second to anyone else, advise I'm trying to learn for myself too.

SummerWhisper · 15/05/2021 23:33

Always look for a partner who makes other women jealous of you, not you jealous of other women.

He doesn't respect you and he certainly doesn't rate you, judging by your post. He's coasting with you until she's free and resenting you whilst he waits for her. So sorry. He doesn't deserve you Flowers

RLEOM · 16/05/2021 00:47

He sounds like someone who will gaslight you. He'll probably start having an emotional affair, you'll soon suss it, he'll tell you you're crazy and you'll feel like a confused twat. Well, that's the way it looks it's heading.

MadMadMadamMim · 16/05/2021 00:51

He sounds a dickhead. I'd dump him.

Don't ever stay with anyone who makes you feel shit.

Umberellatheweatha · 16/05/2021 00:53

Be is deliberately setting you up to think she is your competition. Its called narcissistic triangulation. And in this care is when a partner plays the gf off against another woman.

That comment about how you are trying to be her...that's what he WANTS you to feel like you need to do. Because he wants you to see her as your rival for his affections.

Normal people don't pull this shit. It is the domain of the emotionally stunted.

High tail it outa there as fast as your legs can carry you!

Umberellatheweatha · 16/05/2021 00:54

*He
*in this case

Anordinarymum · 16/05/2021 00:56

@Millierob101

Unsure whether its just me being over sensitive but me and my OH have been together 2 years, live together. But i feel like he makes comments that make me feel insecure. He regularly talks to a girl ‘mate’ who he said while he was drunk he fancied, he has also told me they never talk about there partners etc (which i find odd). He implies i change my hair to look like her, change my style to be like her etc. I have brought the subject up, but i get knocked back with laughter and he just says theyve been friends a long time so to put up and shut up. Am i crazy?
You are not crazy but he is making you feel crazy. How dare he make you feel like this ! He's not a keeper
Flissitytricity · 16/05/2021 11:26

@Millierob101

I am surprised you have put up with him for 2 years! Move on from him as soon as you can. Sounds like he has a passive aggressive streak and that can never be good in any relationship.

I speak from experience and put up with my own situation far longer than 2 years but thankfully I got out eventually. What I am saying is that it can not get better, only worse.

thisplaceisweird · 16/05/2021 11:28

He doesn't respect you. Learn how to respect yourself and leave him. No successful relationship involves someone making the other feel bad about themselves.

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