New partner and my kids... why do I feel like this?

[Worakls]

Brief history. Been split from ex husband (10 years married and 16 years together) coming up 2 years this autumn. We told the kids (now 10 and 6) and he moved out 15 months ago. Was painful split but a definite case of too many chances and I would never trust him again after multiple cases of cheating - physical and emotional.
Anyway, last summer I got close to a friend of a friend, totally not looking for anything but he is absolutely lovely, complete opposite of ex and we have lots in common. I love spending time with him etc. We became a bubble over the winter.
So after about 7 months he met the kids, as my friend and then after a few weeks my daughter asked if he was my boyfriend and I told her the truth. He's brilliant with the kids and they really like him, ask if we can see him on their weekends with me. I know I should be delighted right? But... whenever we spend time the 4 of us I have these huge waves of sadness of what family life used to be like, as well guilt that it should be their dad, not him doing these things with them 😞. Is this normal? This weekend the kids have asked if he can come by tomorrow and I'm the one making excuses... Worried I'm going to push this amazing guy away if I can't sort my head out!! Help!

That must feel very unsettling for you. May I ask the question....are you over your husband fully? There maybe some residual feelings you may have that could be coming up when you are with your new man. It also may have been a little early for you to get them to meet the children. Anyway, you have a shot of a new family life now and your partner seems happy and involved in it which is lovely. Have you thought about a bit of therapy for yourself just to make sense and untangle how you feel? It would be awful to not let your new life be scuppered by unresolved feelings that you could resolve with some help.

I would second therapy too ; my friend felt so similar and split with a lovely boyfriend as she couldn’t get her head round it and her DC were happy with him too. I really empathise as she too just really struggled that it wasn’t what she had planned or how she’d pictured family life but families can be so healthy even when not the way planned, especially when things settle.
Her ex has moved on and has a new family and I do think it can be helpful to have good support to deal with something like this and hope you’ll be really happy again and adjust if it’s the right thing.

Thank you for such a nice response. Usually my ex is very unpleasant but every now again he's nice and we do things with the kids or discuss them and I miss my old life, yes. But . I know that life is a myth, the life I remember is not what I experienced as he did not treat me right for a lot of it.
I was having counselling and it helped a lot but money is really tight and I had to stop 😞

Can I suggest the NHS Time to Talk as this is a free service, usually over the telephone. It may take a while to get an appointment but you could give it a go. I always think us ladies have been bought up on the Disney stories of happy ever after. When that goes wrong it takes us a while to untangle that myth and rewire our brain into reality. I really hope you can move on with your feelings and let this lovely man in for good. We all deserve a second chance at happiness.

I think you might be right that counselling would help. I had a challenging childhood. My parents had a horrendous divorce and I swore I would never put my kids through it and I do struggle that I feel like I have failed and let them down, as well as not having that perfect family I dreamt of. I'm pretty angry with myself for choosing the wrong person to marry and have kids with 😞

I was in similar shoes many years ago op.. Life felt a bit alien doing family stuff with another man. Exh told me I would never make it work with new man. Set the doubts and I ended it. Biggest regret in my personal life...
Be honest if this is anything to do with residual feelings for ex... If it isn't be adventurous and have faith!!. Good luck.
I am now remarried and new dh is a great man and sf...
Still have a one that got away though!!

These things take time, Worakis, you are still 'early days'.

How you feel is perfectly normal.

Enjoy your boyfriend's company, make each other happy, but you are not yet ready to set up home with him. Not that you've said you are planning to right now.

Your ex was the right person at the time as you now have your beautiful children.

Every time you start to feel bad/ think of your old life- identify something different now to when you went through bad times with your parents.
This will help you see it's ok for you to be happy and your kids CAN have a good life with their dad AND your boyfriend.

Wondering if you are wary for your own reasons and worried about the impact on your kids if this didn't last?

Maybe take time to think about what's best for you then sort bf/ kids accordingly.