Struggling to forget

[Whatsforteax]

Hi everyone. I am about 2.5 months out of a relationship which was going well. Well at least I thought it was. But then I found a ton of things out. He had not told the truth about various things. So in the last week we were together I had to piece it all together and realise he wasn't who I thought he was at all.

This has been hard for me as he was always with me or on the phone to me. So to realise he invested so much time into me and was most likely faking all feelings and lying through his teeth about where he thought we were headed is pretty tough.

I had three young boys. Was mainly wanting company for at least a year or two. Nothing scary. Then if we got to that stage I'd have been happy to discuss the two homes coming together. I gave this man many opportunities to chat about children being in his life. His were now adults and I was very wary of him having to do it all again as my boys are 3, 5 and 7. He insisted he liked children.

I remember the times I said to him, if you find someone else nearer your age or someone that is in a similar situation to you please just talk to me if you want to end us. He insisted That would never happen and I was everything he wanted.

There was no reason for me to doubt him. He was keen. Regular consistent contact. Spoke about how important loyality and honesty is. Said he didn't like how disrespectful some of the lads were at work about women they had slept with etc. Came across really mature and respectful.

So imagine my shock when I realised he was planning a life with another women but less intense than me as she was married. He had recently broke another woman's heart and about 6 weeks after meeting me he had to block her as she was constantly calling him and texting him when he ended it. Both these women has sent sexual photos etc but he claimed they had just done it and harrassed him.

Then I found out his ex had ended it with him out couple of years ago for an affair and a general lack of trust. He's also still in contact with this woman and there's nothing sexual going on but they can't stand being apart emotionally. Neither of them want the other to have someone new but they don't want or trust eachother so won't get back together.

Then I found out he had lied about several other things.

I'm over alot of it. But I still have days when I think why was he so cruel to me? Why did he play me like that? Why did he spend money on me and insist he wanted a life with me and my boys?

A few months in he had started putting me down jokingly and I realise now he was trying to change me so I was more how he wanted a woman. He made me feel dumb sometimes.

The most painful part is he's already met someone else. A woman with 2 grown up children and a 12 year old and a grandkid. She lives an hour away from us and she is his next victim I guess. I haven't told her because nobody helped me. But it is pretty upsetting. It's clearly not a looks thing as this new lady is not particularly what he usually goes for. The rest of us have been 8-15 years younger and slim and have our makeup and hair done. This lady is nearer 50 than 30 and is much bigger built and older styled in every way (not insulting her at all she's a perfectly normal woman) So I'm not sure if it's money this time rather than sexual desire. Looking back again he was very sexual with me and another lady he used.

We were involved for just over a year so my boys had just started meeting him the odd weekend for a couple of hours and we'd have a BBQ or a walk somewhere with our dogs. They didn't see any intimacy or him sleeping over. I tended to see him when they were with their dad or grandparents. Or at school.

I feel like i want to wake up tomorrow and not have to think of him. But he pops Into my head throughout the day. Sometimes just the silence in the garden or music will bring back this nostalgic feeling of him being around and it makes me sad. Even though I soon turned love into dislike I remember parts of him and can't believe how convincing he was.

How long would you expect this to go on for. I was hoping by now I'd barely think of him. .
I think it's because he blocked me and I've never been able to have it out with him. So I've been left with no answers and that's made it worse.

Its still early days and it takes a while to process feelings, however its the shock of this info of him not being who you thought he was and him moving on so quick. I think you just have to think you are lucky to have dodged the bullet as they say.

Be kind to yourself.

Thank you. Yes it is such a shock and upsetting to think he was able to be so close to me and yet such a sneaky snake. It's hard to understand it as I'd have never done any wrong to him. He had my love and loyality 100%.
I sometimes think did he ever love me at all. I can remember when he started hinting he was falling in love. Then after three weeks of hinting he said it. Then we said it daily. Its just horrible to think you can trust someone and yet be so wrong. I wonder if he was laughing at me or if he actually felt bad. But I guess I'll never know.

Not having closure from him means you need to find your own closure. I'm always a proponent of thinking about things for as long as they need thinking about. I feel it is allowable, natural and appropriate to what it meant to me.

I want to say also that you have personalised this a lot while missing the wood for the trees. He did this to MANY women. They arent all wrong and deserved it. HE is the common denominator. It's not you.

I'd say, if it's not you and its him, you were done over by a serial shitbag who does this as a habit. That it meant different things to you both is a shock and betrayal of your trust. Its disappointing that such shitbags are out there. I'd say, take some time to think it over and process the shock xxx

It's hard when there's no closure. He's a player though and sounds like he strings a lot of women along at the same time. You're young enough to meet someone better. I think he's convinced you he's one of the good guys by what he says but his actions haven't been those of a good guy. His actions are those of a player and you are just processing it all.

I had similar. Ex and I ended things and I couldn't quite put my finger on something that wasn't right. I suspected he had met someone else and the relationships had overlapped. I asked him but he denied it. I found out a couple of years later, via some people who knew him and her via a mutual hobby, that I was right. That gave me the closure I needed. It's not like I was thinking about it all the time but I felt vindicated when I found out I was right via a casual conversation.

Also, time is a great healer 💐.

You are so right. I know deep down it's him and that's a good point that I've made it personal. I just don't know how he sleeps at night taking so much from various people.

Yes I think he's an overlapper with relationships. He seemed to really love his ex who he was with for the best part of ten years, but I have since learned he had sex with someone else several times and had lied about being single. I get a feeling he never wanted to loose that woman because they lived together and I think that allowed him to spend his money in other ways. But I guess he also loved her more than he did the rest of us because she's the only girl he's kept in his life after things went wrong.

I feel really positive some days and it's not like I will take him back or ever believe him even if he offered me an explanation. I guess the closure lies within myself somewhere. I have felt myself let go at certain points and move forward.

I sometimes am falling asleep and I just see his face for a second and it wakes me back up. It's clearly still bothering me deep down.

I wonder what made him so horrible. He's honestly had some nice looking ladies who wanted to settle with him. The latest woman I have no idea where he found her. Maybe online. I feel so bad for her as she will be feeling amazing like I used to. Yet she has no idea. He even tried to get back with me a month ago and she was already on the scene. So he won't change.

It's tough to get over lies sometimes.

Shame on him for going for some one who is 50. I mean, how insulting that must feel.

( Complete sarcasm)

@Whatsforteax you are right - it is him not you.

There should be a ceremony to end things like this: a burning or a burying or a cursing ... or even just a spring-cleaning and folding away.

There should be cards and poems and support from those around you at a time like this.

@spotcheck

I wasn't putting the 50 year old lady down at all. She's innocent. What I was saying is he normally targets women who are you get or styled very similar (skinny jeans and girly makeup etc) he often said he didn't like bigger women. So he's now gone for a lady at a different stage of life. she dresses perfectly nice but different to the rest of us. More classy and sophisticated. She's a big lady and lovely as she is. What I meant was he's clearly gone further a field to find someone to use and is trying a different type of lady at a different life point! I wonder if she will click on as hopefully she's wiser than me!

I'd tell this new lady. Why not?

She will tell him and he will have a story ready and I'll get abuse from him. I can't handle anymore stress.

@Whatsforteax

She will tell him and he will have a story ready and I'll get abuse from him. I can't handle anymore stress.

You're totally right not to get involved and further drag on this drama. Your primary concern should be you and your mental health - being as far removed as possible from this man is in your best interest, not looking at who he is seeing now or, even worse, getting in touch with them.

There should be a ceremony to end things like this: a burning or a burying or a cursing ... or even just a spring-cleaning and folding away.

This isn't a bad idea. I've heard of people writing a letter to an ex then burning it, instead of sending it.

I've heard of that too. I just feel teary about it all tonight. I sometimes weirdly wonder how he is. It's like my brain needs to catch up sometimes. I'll remember certain days that were really fun or happy. Or remember his voice or how I felt on certain days. My heart just sinks. Then other days I think sod him. He's a fool. He's lost me and he will carry on loosing good people.

I wish he could see how he affects people.

Hopefully in a few more weeks I'll have processed it more. I guess I just feel humiliated and regretful. Wish id never given him sex and told him things about my life. I feel like he knows things about me that he doesn't deserve to know now.

Ah well. I guess you live and learn.

You sound so bruised and sad.

This man is an emotional vampire. He literally feeds off people. Normal, loving and trusting people.

Your response to him was natural and human. He knows exactly how to get this response but needs it from many people to sustain him.

He has something very wrong with him to be able to do this over and over. There's a big lack inside.

You're very strong to be able to have binned him and to stay away from him. Otherwise you'd turn into a dried out husk of obsession with him. That woman he was with for years unfortunately doesn't seem to have your strength in this regard.

You're going to think about him a lot. You spent a lot of time with him. You cared deeply for what and who you thought he was. He deceived you. It is going to take time. It's a deep sadness.

However, you're aware you're thinking of him a lot. When something similar happened to me, I used to ping a hair band on my wrist whenever my ex popped into my head. It stung and made me think of the negative every time.

You'll get on with your life. You'll fill it with activity and your children. Eventually he will fade. Be wary for when he pops up again though, all persuasive and seductive.

Pat yourself on the back because you've protected yourself and your dcs. It's fine to feel sad but remember it's a sadness for who he wasn't. And who you thought he was. Someone who doesn't exist.

@KinseyWinsey

Thank you for your lovely message. Made me feel teary but in a good way. I'm just having a coffee whilst my boys are still sleeping. Feel a little happier this morning.

You are right with everything you wrote. I am sensible and I know now that he couldn't get back into my life now. Also as you say I'm painfully aware he was really none of those things so I'm grieving for 2 people and one wasn't real. I don't know why but December is stuck in my head alot. I keep thinking about how he doesn't do Christmas and was home alone. I was with my boys and their dad. It was nice. But the whole of December I didn't really get stuck in like I would normally. Partly because of lockdown. But also because he was distracting me from family life. I think I was starting to notice tiny things that I wasn't confident in by then. But I didn't really have any reason to feel them. I realised last night the month we met, he had sent me a screen shot of someone random trying to message him and I now know who it was. It was another woman he was on and off with and had cheated on his ex with. He had already told me about her but, pretended this seperate account where she had changed her name slightly was a stranger.

I've been told that for ages I'll wake up or suddenly remember something he said. He was always sending me memes about being faithful and never lying or cheating on the woman you love. He was very dark with it all.

I wil try the bobble thing thank you. It's definitely worse on the quieter days. If I'm busy I'm millions better. But the days I'm home more I seem to wake up and his name pops into my head within 5 minutes and I feel like it's too quiet.

Thanks again for being so kind and understanding.

But I guess he also loved her more than he did the rest of us because she's the only girl he's kept in his life after things went wrong.

I suspect he's kept her in his life because she falls for his lies / is more easily manipulated because, from what you've said, he doesn't love because he's a user.

What can you do to be kind to yourself OP? Can you go and get your hair / nails done? Make time for a long bubble bath with a nice drink?

Yes. It's nothing to do with love at all. This man doesn't understand love.

It's everything go do with her being a sucker time after time.

You are not.

You will be in a lot of pain and hurt now because it is still fresh in your mind. It's good you have seen his true colours. You have done nothing wrong. The good always win in the end

of course you will forget. but it takes time.
there will be more better days in the future.
this is a very good experience for you for future relationships, try to put it in a box.

I understand why you’re taking this personally but given his track record, this was 100% him. Don’t get hung up about ‘closure’ particularly from him because given his ability for deception, he isn’t capable.

You invested a lot emotionally with this arsehole and you are grieving, not the person he was but the person he pretended to be and the shared future you thought you were going to have.

Why was he so dishonest? Who knows but whatever it is about this sad inadequate man that makes him disregard the feelings of others, I hope he gets to experience some of the pain that he causes.

Thank you. I think I'm also stressed about what he's telling others about me, particularly new women. I could well get contacted one day, or he could be tearing me to shreds. He's spoken about other women being sexual at him when he wasn't interested. Unfortunately I exchanged pictures with him that he said he's deleted. I just hope he hasn't shown them to anyone. But I also have his so I hope that would stop him. He perhaps has convinced himself that I was insecure or looking Into him. But I had to go with my gut and look in the end. I had the kids to think about and it was becoming obvious that he wasn't being truthful.

It's just so much stress as I know he goes back to exes now then blocks them again. His main ex I have no real idea about, but I think you must be right that she must be easier to abuse as she has choosen to remain friends with him.
I can't block him because he's blocked me first everywhere. So he's got the choice to unblock or make contact.

I guess I also feel he blames me. But I guess it doesn't matter what his new ladies or ex might be told about me.

I've got some plans for my garden. Painting an outside wall and planting some flowers and just trying to keep myself busy and giving myself something nice as an end result.

I just feel a mixture right now and just want to feel Peaceful.