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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I respond to ex boyfriend?

26 replies

miamichill · 15/05/2021 04:43

I've posted a few times and recently about my boyfriend missing me.

Ex and I dated for a year and we broke up almost 6 months ago. When he did, he expressed a lot of doubt and still does to this day. He cried too when we broke up. He was initiating a lot of contact recently, wanting to see me and clear the air but I declined. I ended up responding to one of his messages once and for all about 2 months later. He replied to what I said and then said it has 'been very difficult from his end. He felt it was the most appropriate thing was to break up, which has been really hard and he misses me all the time. But what's the alternative?'

He then went on to say that it's really difficult but he tries to leave me alone as he doesn't quite know what to do as he doesn't want to mess with me. I replied and said I hope one day we can be on friendlier terms but I understand if we don’t keep in touch. 2 weeks later he texted me saying he would definitely like to know how I am/how life is but he’s conscious of not lingering around and making things more difficult and he hopes everything is good and I’m happier now. That he of course feels the same but it’s just the nature of break ups.

OP posts:

Original poster

miamichill · 15/05/2021 04:43

As I would like to be back together with him, do I respond? Do I tell him that I still want to be with him but respect his decision?

OP posts:

Longdistance · 15/05/2021 04:49

I wouldn’t bother. He sounds like hard work and is the one pulling the strings. Been there, done that, got the medal. I’m married now with dc and wouldn’t look even contemplate someone like him. We’re coming out of lockdown soon, the world is an enormous place full of billions of people, choose wisely and good luck.

SwordofGryffindor · 15/05/2021 05:04

No. You deserve SO much more. Block him.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/05/2021 05:12

Nope.

He sounds like he is just messing with your head. If he really cared about you and wanted good things for you, he would leave you alone
Don’t get in touch
Block him

SunIsComing · 15/05/2021 06:17

Block.

DonnaGoHome · 15/05/2021 08:49

Why do you keep posting the same thing over and over again? This shitshow is not going to get any better. You've had LOADS of advice on your numerous other threads and you ignore it all. What do you want to hear?

Block this guy, print off all your threads, read them, re-read them and then book some therapy.

Umberellatheweatha · 15/05/2021 08:50

'I dont want to...' *does the thing, repeatedly.

Block. It's too much drama.

CandyLeBonBon · 15/05/2021 09:04

Seriously? Again?

WaterBottle123 · 15/05/2021 09:08

Book a really special restaurant OP, what's his favourite? Buy a new dress. Get your hair done, etc. Prepare a list of conversational topics that his intellect will be stimulated by. Invite him to lunch. When desserts arrived bring out a PowerPoint presentation of all the reasons you deserve to be his girlfriend. He might only agree to something non -exclusive or say he can't name you his girlfriend just yet, but you're welcome to sleep in his bed and wash his socks. If he offers this you should definitely take it.

TheWaif · 15/05/2021 09:09

He's stringing you along, dangling a carrot. It's never going to turn out like you want. If he wanted to get back together he would. He doesn't. Block him.

LuckyMcDucky · 15/05/2021 09:12

Going against the grain here, I think you're going to drive yourself crazy if you don't reply!

I saw your other thread and thought you saying well, the alternative is that we sort through our problems like adults made sense. I'd approach it as a grown up and not desperate to have him back but listen to what he has to say about it. If he says he doesn't want to get back together then tell him he has to leave you alone.

Original poster

miamichill · 15/05/2021 09:50

@LuckyMcDucky I ended up replying but keeping it brief and short. I said he hasn't been intrusive, but I thank him for his words. You are right that if I hadn't responded, it would have driven me mad. Thank you for your advice though - when you say listening/approaching it like an adult, only doing that if he speaks about us and the relationship yes?

OP posts:

LuckyMcDucky · 15/05/2021 10:01

Yes, I think so. I think a lot of people are thinking you might sound as if you're too available to him, and letting him have the higher ground. But he's the one contacting you, so, tbh, since you think there's a chance it could work, I'd meet him if he wants and let him do the talking. If he just wants to offload and isn't interested in a relationship then say your goodbyes and mean it I think. Play it friendly but cool I think. He's the one who wants to see you remember, so you absolutely do not need to lead him into a conversation about getting back together. Let him say it if he's grown up enough to come out and say it. If not, then you don't want someone like that around really.

That's what I'd do I think, if I was thinking straight, (although I have played it very UNcool in the past, so easier said than done).

Original poster

miamichill · 15/05/2021 10:27

@LuckyMcDucky appreciate it! Regarding catching up etc, as I told him a month ago or so we shouldn't catch up because we had different reasons for doing so etc. So I don't think he will mention catching up again, to be honest. Do you suggest that if we continue talking, that I should ignite that about catching up? Or do you think it's best if he says anything about catching up, that I should then agree to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

miamichill · 15/05/2021 10:30

@LuckyMcDucky or so I thought we had slightly different reasons for doing so.

OP posts:

LuckyMcDucky · 15/05/2021 10:39

Oooo tricky. Maybe, "do you still want that catch up"? Honestly, I think life's a bit too short not to. Just don't go with any expectations. He could be stringing you along, so just be on the lookout.

WaterBottle123 · 15/05/2021 10:51

Posters, pls read the OP's previous threads. This guy strung her along for months saying he would, if she were lucky, decide in the fullness of time if she was worthy of being his girlfriend.

He's a boring self indulgent twatty mctwatface who OP needs to run a mile from. Stop encouraging her, she's young and deserves better.

DonnaGoHome · 15/05/2021 10:59

I've lost count how many threads this OP has started on this issue.

wanadu2022 · 15/05/2021 11:03

Did you not just post on this exact topic earlier this week??? And got lots of advice you said you were going to follow? Why have you not just done that?

And haven't you made 3-4 other threads on this same issue of your ex, get the same advice again but seem stuck in this situation for a year! You must realise there is no relationship here, there never was. If you had ever been happy together you wouldn't need so many threads on the same man.

You must see that, right?

wanadu2022 · 15/05/2021 11:07

He doesn't want to be with you. It doesn't matter if it's what you want, he has told you repeatedly he doesn't want it. You are just ignoring what he's saying. Caring about you and checking in, is NOT the same as committing to a relationship with you.

If he did want you back, you'd be with him right now, not posting here. You offer him attention when he's lonely and bored and he knows he can reel you back in if he wants. He will vanish the minute he meets someone else.

Just block him for the love of god!

LuckyMcDucky · 15/05/2021 11:12

Oh sorry op. I don't normally search people's posting history, but since @WaterBottle123 told me to (although she called me posters for some reason ), I did.

Tbh, I wouldn't respond in these circumstances. I had relationships like this when I was kid twenties, but if he is 33, he should be mature enough to stop playing with your feelings. He would if he was a good guy. I wouldn't initiate anything with him, sorry.

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/05/2021 11:13

Block

Ruminating2020 · 15/05/2021 11:16

You have another thread running in the same issue where the majority of posters have suggested blocking this man.

Are you hoping that someone is going to give you permission to respond to him? What do you want to hear?

This man is messing with you and has done so for months. This is draining you and not doin your mental health any good.
Find your self respect and move on.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/05/2021 11:25

OP you have posted about this man (and others) repeatedly and yet never taken the advice given which is to let this go, stop contact and do some work on yourself before you start dating anyone again as you're not in a healthy headspace to be doing so.

You seem to thrive on drama and think that drama and angst = passion and love. That's not the case. He wasn't that invested in the relationship but wants to know if he clicks his fingers you'll come running back. That you'll put dating other people on hold if you think there's a chance with him.

You need to have some counselling to work out why you're in this cycle of drama filled dynamics with men, posting asking advice, ignoring all the advice, more angst and round and round you go.

When people immediately recognise your username immediately and know the ex you're talking about, it's safe to say it's probably not a healthy relationship eh?

ClarkeGriffin · 15/05/2021 15:49

@WaterBottle123

Definitely do this op. But turn up in a wedding dress, make it very obvious you want to be with him.

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