Need a hand hold

[Headphone]

I have massive trust issues that I brought to this relationship a long time ago. In a previous relationship I also had these but was able to work through them because my ex was totally honest and open about everything. My now husband is secretive and twists the truth. When he does this he thinks he's being clever.
I have a problem with snooping through my husbands messages and have often found things I'm not happy with and he had told me lots of lies. I have major reasons not to trust him not about women but other stuff. Anyway he has been texting this woman from work very frequently - she more texts him and he replies and it seems like she has a crush. She is a lot younger smarter and more attractive than me. I saw these messages a month or so ago and asked him not to text her so frequently. He told me he wouldn't. I've tried so hard not to look at his messages since then and have felt loads better. However yesterday I accidently saw a message from her and then today I couldn't resist snooping again. It was obvious that he hadn't stopped messaging her at all but is now just deleting the messages. I really dont want to snoop and want to trust him so bad so I asked him about it and he said that he was glad he had deleted the messages because although they were harmless I would be upset about them. I said this was more hurtful and could he try and find a way for me to be ok with this friendship by setting some boundaries. He said no and that he will continue to message her and delete the messages because me looking proves he did the right thing. I know how wrong I am to have looked at his messages and I am in counselling to try and improve my self esteem. But I just dont know how to move on from this with him.

I would move on by getting divorced. You have no trust in your marriage, there's lies, and gaslighting. If I were you, I would stop all of this nonsense and admit that this relationship just isn't built to last.

I agree with PP. Your DH is abusing the fact you feel you have an issue and using it as an excuse to do whatever he pleases. If he has no intention of being transparent and honest, it's no basis for a relationship whatever your personal issues are.

He hasn't actually met this woman yet as has been working from home but I think all this texting is creating to much intimacy. I have tried to talk to him but he just shuts me down. I dont mind him talking with her in a group chat they have at work it's the one on one that bothers me, most of which isn't work related. I cant actually leave as we have kids and I have no money. I know I could get benefits but there is no way I could take the kids away from their family home and there is no way I could afford it on my own or that he would leave. I just want to find a way that I can live with this without it eating me up inside. When I say this I dont mean just the texts to this women it's a whole host of things. He is very careful with the truth so that he can tell me enough of a truth about something whilst omitting a whole load of other stuff. I really dont know where I stand. He swears that he loves me, that I am his soulmate and he would never cheat on me.

I am pretty resilient and that is a problem because I just plough on with stuff. I dont think I would ever have another partner if I left and that scared as I'm quite an introvert and dont get close to people very easily so really need a companion. I did say to my husband that I could start texting some men I work with and how would he like it. He just said that I should because it might make me less lonely. He knows the reality is that I would never do this.

I don't think the problem is your 'trust issues' OP, he's messing with your head and not being honest, no wonder you're feeling worried and suspicious! I know you've said you can't leave but I'd be focusing all my energy on changing that if I were you, start working towards being able to separate and be independent because he doesn't sound like a keeper to me. Sorry

Thanks for your replies they are really helpful. I dont know what he gets from texting this woman that he priorities it over hurting me.I just hurt so much because everything feels like such a sham and I've wasted a lot of my life on someone who doesn't really care for me. I just cant stop crying because I feel so lost and helpless.

First of all my I commiserate you on living with a cruel bastard.

I'm afraid he knows exactly what he is doing, and you trying to extract some empathy from him saying you will text other men is being met with his agreement. That means he is currently very happy with the status quo.

Routing through his messages will not achieve or change anything here until he and she decide to cool the friendship off. You've asked and he has basically told you to mind your own buisness.

Very nice for a husband!

What can you do? You can go to a solicitor, get financial advice, go to citizens advice aswell and find out what you can claim, amass financial info at home and get your ducks in a row.
Things will never change until you set boundaries, he has crossed your boundaries and is fucking seriously with your mental health, that is not someone who has your back.

I'd place him firmly in the enemy camp or rival, stop wanting him to make you feel better, he is the reason you are not well and content.
If it was anyone else taking you for a mug you would extricate them from your life, he should be no different.

Get rid of the enemy, thats all he is.