I just can't get started in a relationship and I feel like life is running away from me

[LightNights9]

I had a very prolonged ugly duckling period. I had a really good group of friends at uni, but was never really in the drinking/clubbing scene and never got started with dating or relationships.

I started work and it was a big adjustment, so wasn't really concerned about never having a boyfriend. I did get mildly worried when I was around 24, so decided to go back to uni and do a Masters.

Since then, I've settled into my life and I'm generally happy. I have hobbies that I enjoy, see (saw!) my friends regularly, manage to pay the bills, etc etc.

But I'm 28 and I've never had a boyfriend, or even got to kiss anyone. I've been trying OLD pretty regularly for the past 3 years, and it's been dreadful. I don't enjoy it and it's kicked me down more than it's built me up. I've been ghosted, catfished, stood up, blocked etc. My most successful dates have been just meh.

I feel so behind all of my peers. I am happy but lonely at the one time, and being honest, I'd love children.

I don't really know why I'm posting or what I'd like anyone to answer. Is there something wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?

Honestly, I'd take a break from OLD now things are (hopefully) starting to get going again and look at options for meeting someone via shared interest, work, through friends etc.

I've dabbled with it over the last year but I'm in my 40s and divorced...it's very much a roller coaster and sometimes you need to step off and get your breath back for a bit!

I'm in exactly the same position Op. I'm a couple of years older than you. I also have health issues which will probably make having kids harder. I don't even know where to start with dating. I'm quite an introvert and find making friends etc difficult. Very broody atm and finding it tough watch lots of my friends starting families.

You're doing nothing wrong and there's nothing wrong with you. Life doesn't follow a script that says you HAVE to meet someone by 28 and are a failure if not. It just takes longer for some people is all.

Take a break from OLD when you find it gets too much. Then go back when you're feeling recharged. You're doing the right things, educated yourself, got a job, grew your confidence and are now ready to settle into a relationship. Also be proud that you're not desperate enough to settle with someone and do it will take longer because you are ok on your own. That's an incredibly healthy way to be and will stand you in good stead all your life.

If you are able, maybe try some hobby groups where you can make friends first with people without the pressure of it being a date?

It can get lonely and dating is tough so I do empathise. But you have a lot going for you, 28 is still young so don't be hard on yourself. I had the relationship early and hit all the milestones, but got divorced in my 30s and am having to start again with lost things. Everyone faces challenges, better it be when you're young and resilient than older.

Your time will come.

It's really crap, isn't it Dobby?

I just feel so sad that I'm still waiting on something, anything and at the same time, my friends, acquaintances and colleagues all seem to be doing it so easily.

Have a look at the website meetup instead. It's basically groups of local people who form a meetip group based on hobbies being single etc.

It's a more natural way to meet people and at least you will have something in common.

Have you been attracted to anyone over the years?

Yes, I have. I wish I had been more confident and outgoing in my early 20s.

I've come to the point now where I'd like to get the firsts out of the way, within the boundaries of still feel comfortable obviously. I would have liked to have kissed the last guy I went on a date with (we messaged for a while due to lockdown) but he ghosted me shortly afterwards date 2.

@LightNights9, the last year has been very difficult for dating however you are making progress. There is a dating support thread on MN, could you join that?

I think that if you met someone you were attracted to and the circumstances where right you would feel relaxed and it would flow. Online dating is tricky for most people. Do you meet any single men in work or hobbies?

Occasionally through hobbies, but nada. Datong is discouraged at work.

I really feel for you. OLD can be incredibly tough. What I found the most difficult was speaking to someone before a date, building up a connection in my head and then meeting them and thinking meh. I used a new tactic where I would only speak with them briefly prior to arranging a coffee date that didn't require putting in too much effort on my behalf so if it was awful I didn't feel like I had invested so much time. Luckily I live in a city so it would be in a convenient place for both of us. I know lockdown has made things harder but please don't see your experiences as a reflection of you as a person. Most people who have done OLD have been through similar.

Thank you. I do that too sometimes. This winter helped me a little because I really used to prefer drinks for dates, but coffees and walks weren’t too bad.

It’s getting so difficult to keep my confidence up. I know most people have to go through all this with OLD, but most people also don’t have the lack of experience I do. It’s really getting to me!

It is really tough. I literally have no experience dating at all. I also guess I'm scared of rocking the boat a bit. I enjoy my own company and the company of my two dogs and I worry about risking the happiness I have now for a relationship. I had severe depression two years ago and my MH is now on an good even keel and I don't want to knock myself.
I also have severe gyny issues which will almost certainly make having a sexual relationship difficult- impossible. I'm not sure many men will really be up for that.