I'm not her 'surrogate mum'

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Having issues with a younger sister.

For reference, I am 38 and she is 36. This isn't a teenager or anything.

She has honestly caused me so much stress and drama since our mum died a few years ago. Honestly, I could list all the things which have gone on, but it would be a long old thread.

I have had to tell he recently not to come and see us, after she has been asking to for a good while. Covid, as well as me honestly not wanting her to come has meant we haven't met up in ages. Tried to have a meet up halfway, but she insisted she wanted to wait and come for a full weekend and stay with us, which I don't want.

Anyway, cutting a long story fairly short, my dad was saying how it's only because she loves seeing me and my family so much and that's a good thing. Nobody seems to care that I honestly don't want to see her. We have utterly different values and she has ridden rough shod over me and my boundaries for years and been a massive dick about it to boot.

Dad said earlier that I'm her surrogate mum and the closest thing to a family home she has is staying with us. This is because she is single, which is partially her choice, but also bad luck as she hasn't met 'the one' yet, but also because she refuses to have anything much to do with our dad.

I feel as if it isn't up to me to offer a 36 yo a family home and to be her 'surrogate mother'. I don't have a mum either FFS. Yes, I have a family, but that's not exactly been a basket of roses at times either, with no family support AT ALL.

Anyway, not sure why I'm posting except to vent a bit.

I personally think I just need a break from her, but now feel like I'm expected to be responsible for her as her SM

Oh course you don't need to pander to her, your dad doesn't get to tell you that you need to parent his child! Stick to your boundaries, meet up half way or don't see her

I don't know what advice you want with such little information. Personally I'd want to support my sibling.

Yes, I have a family, but that's not exactly been a basket of roses at times either, with no family support AT ALL maybe that’s because you turn your family away when they want to visit

This sounds really difficult OP. Do you want to see her at all? Can you describe what sort of contact you want with her, if any?

If she has form for ignoring boundaries, then you will probably need to be quite direct and tell her that a whole weekend is too much time together. She will be offended I expect, but one of you is going to be unhappy whatever happens.

Of course you aren't responsible for her. You have both lost your mother, and it isn't fair of her to expect you to take on the weight of her loss as well as your own.

I have a feeling I know the answer to this question, but if you were to explain how you feel to her, what would happen?

@RunningFromInsanity

Yes, I have a family, but that's not exactly been a basket of roses at times either, with no family support AT ALL maybe that’s because you turn your family away when they want to visit

She only said she turns her sister away, which is perfectly acceptable. My sister is also a massive dick so maybe I'm biased.

I have a sister half a dozen years younger than me who is an utterly spoilt bitch. I don't want anything to do with her.

She is almost 50 and yet is still being 'babied' by our octagenarian parents. She is also married with children, so clearly this will never end, but I've no intention of being a 'surrogate mum' to her.

Your sister sounds like she needs to take responsibility for being a grown woman. And your Dad can take on 'surrogate mum' as well as Dad if he likes. But she has been an adult for many years now and you don't owe her anything.

You don't have to put up with crap just cos someone's 'family'. If they ride roughshod over your boundaries and wishes you'd just cut ties if they were anyone else.

Thanks so much for these.

As a pp says; there is one family member I don't want to see and I have good reason. I've posted on here before about her and almost everyone has said she is a bully and to go no contact.

I haven't done this, but I'm tempted. She has been less unpleasant lately, but she refuses to accept there is any sort of issue and wants to make out we're best of mates, which seems incredible to me considering our past.

I mean, we've known each other for 36 years now, so the whole history is obviously long and I don't want to cherry pick, which is why such little info included.

If she has form for ignoring boundaries, then you will probably need to be quite direct and tell her that a whole weekend is too much time together

I did this once and she hit the fucking roof. Tbh, I don't think where I'm concerned, she is all that stable. In fact with me or our dad. She has been pretty aggressive towards him in the past and still refuses to see him in person, although he would love that. I have told him he can baby her all he likes, but she isn't my child and my love for her isn't unconditional, so I don't just forgive her behaving like an aggressive bellend as she did in the past.

That sounds hyperbolic but she honestly has been one nasty piece of work. She can be nice when she wants to, but I honestly think only when it's expedient for her, so at work or with friends who she knows will not just be there because they have to.

I do see my dad when I can and also our other siblings, and I also have in-laws, so thanks running for trying to make out this is a me problem, but I don't actually think that is the case.

Hi OP, I understand what you mean, I’m very low contact with one sibling who sounds similar to your sister and is also indulged by parents even though they have their own family, but am in regular contact daily with another sibling. What helps me is realising that siblings are like non-relatives, people are individuals and I’m not friends with everyone because I simply don’t have to be. However, there’s always some basic connection with relatives, in my case it’s very limited with the sibling I don’t share views or interests in - I don’t want to go NC but am more comfortable keeping things casual and infrequent. You aren’t responsible for your sister but need to work out how long you feel comfortable catching up for. In my case it’s only twice a year for a couple of hours with the limited contact sibling, we don’t speak or email or text in between because they don’t think to do that either and this seems to work as I’m sure it’s mutual.

My parents did the same as your father, as in attempted to put their responsibilities on me, but I refused and said who is going to look after me and that the particular sibling is almost the same age so will have to sort themselves out (they haven’t and like creating drama in their own household so best to stay away).

Thanks. I have been trying to do lower contact and ideally would meet her for a day rather than a whole weekend, as we get on a lot better in small doses. It occurs to me when writing this that she doesn't think this, because she seems to love drama so much! So, the fact we've fallen out in the past after a weekend together doesn't bother her. It may even be an incentive .

Obviously, we tried to do a meet up for a day and she cancelled and said she wanted to come for another whole weekend instead, which I've since said no to.

I do star doubting myself sometimes with her, as she is so blasé about it and can't see a problem, but I think that's because she thinks her behaviour and a dynamic where she can go off on one at me or my dad, is fine or even desirable. Anyway, there isn't much point in my analysing this too much any more. I definitely need some space from her. We are such different people. Spoke to another sinking today who agrees with me and says we are just cut from different cloths and to have a break from each other, which I think makes sense.

There is more stuff has happened recently with her and she has been denying things ever happened when I know they did! She is always downplaying her past behaviour and never apologises for it, ever.

She has a good life, an amazing job (waaaaay better than mine and better paid etc), and she seems to function pretty well in her day to day life. So I imagine a break would be a good thing for her too.

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Typos, sorry