How to discuss finances with DP in this situation?

[superpies]

So, when I got together with my DP 8 years ago he was dealing with very serious depression. I honestly thought at times that I would lose him. He has recovered now and is a very different person but he stills gets anxious and worried sometimes and finances always affect him pretty badly in this way.

We've had a very difficult couple of years, so many things have happened. To cut a long story short and not blather on our financial situation needs some serious discussion and action to be taken...I know it sounds crazy but he just will not do this and if I push he says he is getting upset.

I have tried to be really understanding and pick the right time and on and on but have got nowhere. If I really push he concludes something with me but will then backtrack the next day or come up with a new vague plan that he refuses to discuss the details of.

I have always been the practical one in our relationship but this is now really affecting me badly.

Don't get me wrong we do discuss finances generally speaking. We both work and sort out who will pay for what etc However we are now in a situation where a couple of big decisions need to be made.

Each decision would have consequences but making no decision at all would be the worst option. Making no decision at all is what we are heading for simply because he won't get on board.

Because this has been brewing for ages I would say basically there are 4 big things that need sorting out. I am thinking of sitting him down this weekend and presenting it all to him and telling him if we won't make a decision now I'll have to interpret that as he won't ever and I'll have to work out what to do taking that into account.

Just fyi if he disagreed with me then that would be fine, as I keep telling him...if I know he doesn't agree we can work out something else. The thing is when he disagrees he thinks that automatically means whatever we're discussing is vetoed and this is actual practical stuff that needs sorting anyway. It's on a par with "we need to pay the rent"..."I disagree let's just not bother."

I think the problems of the last couple of years have made him fear change. However as I've said, if we do nothing some pretty crap changes are going to happen anyway.

Sorry I'm rambling a bit but DP got an email this morning pertaining to some of this, panicked and then when I calmly and optimistically started to suggest options other than sitting there waiting for this situation to happen to us that we take the reins he just shut me down. I feel so stuck right now.

Does anyone have any experience of a similar thing?

If it is possible for you to make the decisions and act on them - crack on. Forget having a 'joint' decision, forget having a conversation, he doesn't want to. Why do you fee the need to have a discussion? You just go ahead and do it all.

If you actually need his signature, password, PIN, etc, be very, very firm and tell him you need them. If he refuses to give the info you need, and refuses to discuss it, it looks like the relationship may be over, or at least joint finances are over and you need to protect your own interests and finances as soon as possible.

He has said himself that I need to lead on financial decisions and he'll go along with what I think, because we both agree I am better at that.

So what exactly is stopping you? You want his agreement but fundamentally it’s not forthcoming - for whatever reason - but you have a pre-existing arrangement that your decisions are sound.

So what’s the real hold-up? Why do you think you haven’t pressed ahead?

There is a thin line between being understanding and enabling and you’ve strayed into enabling territory. Make it very clear that this is his time to have a say, if he doesn’t, you will make a decision. If later down the line he expresses discontent with the decision, remind him that he had every opportunity to contribute but chose not to.

You can’t stop him procrastinating but you can stop letting it rule your life.

Have you managed to have a talk?

I split from my DH and one of the reasons is what you are describing - lack of financial decision making, fear of paperwork, anything official.
It was incredibly frustrating. Most of the time I just got on with it but there were some things that did require his input and signature. He'd never be 'ready' to discuss it and when he did, he'd protest and stall. He'd act like I was trying to stitch him up and rob him blind!!
Now we are in the process of trying to sort out a divorce settlement. No amount of talking or writing it all down for him will persuade him to make a decision.
For us, some of his 'fear' I think stems from me having worked in the financial sector and I always seem to know what to do, whereas he is hopeless. What I don't know, I research. I'm good at explaining things (was part of my job) so I know it's not a case of me just chucking facts and figures at him.

Maybe instead of trying to explain what you need to do, explain what would happen and what you stand to lose if you don't do anything - and let it happen, let him own it. Maybe if he has to face the consequences of his inaction, it will wake him up?