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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't comfort me

41 replies

Canadadarlingg · 14/05/2021 12:48

Basically what the title says!
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and when things are good its great but when we have an issue and i'm angry or upset it always gets worse because i feel like he sucks at communication. If i try and talk to him about a serious issue he will kind of 'ignore' me and play on his phone or carry on with what he was doing and he completely shuts down. He's mentioned before that it just feels like im 'having a go' at him and so he just sits there and takes it, but i dont think he realises that talking about issues isnt an argument it actually prevents arguments. Also if i'm crying he just sits there! no words of comfort, no hugging, he just carries on as if im not there, Until i crack and say something along the lines of 'what the hell is wrong with you' and then eventually he will hug me and say everything is ok etc. but i just dont understand why he cant do that in the beginning.

Now i can kind of see from his perspective it may seem as if i always want to start arguments because hes naturally a very chill person so he never has any issues to bring up, whereas i like to talk things out no matter how small the problem. So it may seem as if its always me having a problem all the time. Anyway, does anyone have any words of advice? is this a 'man thing' or perhaps the way some people are raised?

I know the general advice will be 'break up with him' so pls refrain from commenting that - i want that to be a last resort hence why im looking for other options to try. Any suggestions on why he may be this way and how to overcome this problem would be great

OP posts:

Original poster

Canadadarlingg · 14/05/2021 15:21

@PurBal I agree that sounds like our situation too, I like to get things out in the open and talk about them because I genuinely feel like I'm helping the situation, not because I want to bring up problems. I definitely feel like we need to talk about this at some point and come to a resolution, especially now that I understand some people genuinely don't know how to comfort

@BackforGood yes I can see it from that perspective. Whereas as I've said up here ^ I genuinely feel like talking things through helps prevent misunderstanding and therefore arguments, I never saw it from the other side. And now that I do I can be more mindful of that. However I wouldn't say I'm crying to get my own way, after struggling through a degree and having 2 miscarriages I think I should be allowed to cry.

@youvegottenminuteslynn no it's not I was previously in a 4 year relationship. I see where you're coming from however we don't argue as much as this post may make you believe, It's hard to get a good view of a whole relationship by one post, but we generally have a great relationship. I wouldn't be in it otherwise lol I don't have time to be wasting !

OP posts:

Original poster

Canadadarlingg · 14/05/2021 15:25

For everyone who's reading this, I would like to reassure you that although I will admit I am an emotional person, I don't cry every day 😂 and I don't expect my OH to be there for me if I am upset about something that concerns only me. When it's an issue that concerns both of us I do expect him to talk things through with me/ provide some reassurance, just as I would comfort him

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/05/2021 15:26

I thought from another thread that you were 22 so assumed this was a first serious relationship but I guess you maybe were with someone else in your teens? It's still not a lot of experience of relationships so if that is your age, please do consider pausing and working on the relationship dynamic, as you have plenty of time to TTC with him and want to be in as strong a partnership as possible to do so.

Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 14/05/2021 15:27

He’ll not change. Don’t be mistaken into thinking you can change him. He’ll only address his manner if he wants to. You do sound like you’re trying to test him by crying and then shouting at him when he doesn’t respond as you want. It doesn’t like you’re suited at all.

sammylady37 · 14/05/2021 16:22

@Canadadarlingg

How often are you crying and requiring comfort, though? I have to say I’d find a regular crier to be tiresome and I’d suspect I was being manipulated.

UghJustSoPredictable · 14/05/2021 16:59

I can't be doing with crying tbh.

I cry occasionally but very rarely in front of anyone. I think it can be quite manipulative even if that isn't the intention. I try to be supportive if someone cries in front of me but I don't really know what to say or do.

I was once seeing someone who liked to "chat" about issues He'd often message me before we were about to meet asking if we could "chat" and it was always a long, emotional conversation and I found it really draining. I wanted to have fun with him, not endlessly deconstruct our 'relationship'.

BackforGood · 14/05/2021 17:29

@Canadadarlingg

I actually think that is upside down.

If I were having a little weep about a friend or family member dying, then that is when I would expect dh to move in for a cuddle / hug /hold.

If we were disagreeing over something and I went into a "this is too much for me therefore I'm going to cry to manipulate the argument", I wouldn't have much respect for the person doing that.

Why not tell him what you find really irritating, then move on and he can choose to try and change that, or not. Of course, you also have to be willing to be criticised if you think "sorting things out" rather than "accepting them" is the right thing.

This also depends on if we are talking about leaving the lid off the toothpaste or the whole division of labour over household tasks argument. SOme things are worth sorting out early on in a relationship, some things are just a nag.

RLEOM · 16/05/2021 01:21

Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling unsupported? Do you want to spend the rest of your life knowing that when you cry you'll get ignored? And do you think a relationship can last without open discussions? Look at the bigger picture.

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 03:15

@RLEOM

Agreed

You deserve so much better than this person.

CoelacanthSharpener · 16/05/2021 03:37

I cry about once every 10 years to give you some comparison.

That's not a very useful benchmark imho. I don't think I know anyone who cries that infrequently. You might think the OP sounds hard work, but you sound cold.

1forAll74 · 16/05/2021 04:07

Your partner probably has the right idea about keeping quiet about some things ,and to not wish to dwell on how you think he should react. You seem to have different personality traits that's all, this is not a bad thing at all, and should not facilitate any crying and upset issues.

Blueskytoday06 · 16/05/2021 04:09

You perhaps need to learn to manage your emotions better - be less reliant on others. Does sound like he's shutting down a bit. It would be good if you could meet half way - he steps up a bit & you dial it down a notch.

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 05:27

Refusing to engage in healthy normal discussion, ignoring you when you talk to him, deflecting by focusing on his phone, non verbal avoiding eye contact.

That's not normal OP, and no wonder you're stressed and getting emotional, you're living with a someone who shuts down.

This is not healthy. I would be looking for a boyfriend that wants to share your life, not close you down, because he cannot cope with talking.

I would suggest ending this, because you cannot seriously live like this. You need someone who respects and cares for you.

Puntastic · 16/05/2021 07:37

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Just saw you've only been together for two years. It sounds like you have fall outs quite often? Maybe it's worth reconsidering TTC if you're still trying, until the relationship is in a stronger place and you've worked through how you communicate. This will all be harder when you are more tired, there are more financial pressures etc as parents. Again I'm sorry for your previous losses

I agree with this.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/05/2021 09:48

OP you've had a lot of good advice above and it's great that you're taking it in. As others said, neither of you is right or wrong, just different.

I would definitely put TTC on hold for now until you've resolved the communication issues. Parenting with someone who's so opposite to you would be a nightmare.

I'd suggest having a look into "The 5 love languages" - you can take the test free online and it's often a real eye opener. For example it sounds like you express love through communication and physical closeness (i.e. saying "I love you" and hugging) whereas his style might be acts of service or gifts - such as cooking you a really lovely meal or buying you flowers or your favourite chocolates.

Once you know his style, then it opens your eyes that he's actually telling you every day in many little ways that he loves and cares for you. And he'll understand that just because you don't buy him frequent gifts, that doesn't mean that YOU don't care about HIM.

Have to say I'm much more on your boyfriends end of the scale! I can't claim not to have cried in 10 years but more than once a year would be very unusual for me. And when I do cry, I won't do it in front of anyone. I find people crying around me quite hard to deal with. Doesn't mean I don't care.

Sharan333 · 22/08/2022 20:27

hi I hope you solved the problem by now…….anyway please read about narcissist abuse behavior and you will have all the answers you need. Narcissists (equal lack of empathy) put you through a sad and very painful cycle where they charm you up at first…..they break you down second and discard you last and keep you living in misery with arguments and silent treatments. The only way out is leave him. What you will read will shock you but save you at the same time, and follow the advise how to talk to a narcissist, very important and your mental health will improve quick as you will understand the dynamic of his deadly game. Promise it will help.

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