Was his reaction justified?

TammyT21 · 14/05/2021 09:43

@rox5 what made you think he was messaging another woman?

Fireflygal · 14/05/2021 09:47

He doesn't think his behaviour should be challenged so now he is punishing you.

Never tolerate punishing behaviour for asking a question. If your question was unreasonable (because you constantly accuse him) then he needs to handle that by discussing or ending the relationship. Silent treatment is always toxic.

Original poster

rox5 · 14/05/2021 09:50

@TammyT21 I don't want to out myself but I basically put 2 and 2 together and got 5!

@Fireflygal I've never asked him before if he was messaging someone else.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 14/05/2021 09:51

What made you think he was messaging someone else?

Why do you think just because he denied it he wasn't doing it?

Shoxfordian · 14/05/2021 09:58

Why did you think he was doing it? Do you usually trust him?

KylieKoKo · 14/05/2021 09:58

Maybe he's a bit annoyed because he felt like you accused him out of the blue.

I would be quite upset if dp suddenly came out with that and depending on tone it could come across quite accusatory. I wouldn't ignore him like that though.

Original poster

rox5 · 14/05/2021 10:01

Without going in to too much detail it was a mixture of something I saw on FB and something else. I completely got the wrong end of the stick though and it's not another woman he's been messaging. I've always trusted him, so was really me just having a minor wobble, for no reason it turns out.

If it was the other way around I would have reassured him, not completely ignored him all evening and then again today! His reaction seems completely over the top and I don't understand why.

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Original poster

rox5 · 14/05/2021 10:02

@KylieKoKo I asked him as politely as I could considering what the question was!

OP posts:

autumnalrain · 14/05/2021 10:04

@Fireflygal jealousy and paranoia is also toxic ... and annoying.

DisgruntledPelican · 14/05/2021 10:04

I can understand him feeling a bit hurt by an accusation - sounds like you need to talk it out a bit more, and potentially make amends for not trusting him? Agree though that it’s an odd shutdown to a serious conversation - I would have wanted much more detail if someone asked me that!

Original poster

rox5 · 14/05/2021 10:06

@autumnalrain I'm certainly not jealous or paranoid, this is the first time I've ever asked him anything like this in 3.5 years!

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AramintaLee · 14/05/2021 10:08

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and he out of the blue accused you. I'm sure you would also be hurt and confused. The silent treatment isn't the most constructive response but perhaps he just needs a bit of time.

LindaEllen · 14/05/2021 10:10

It is upsetting to be accused when you're not doing anything, because knowing that your partner has doubts about your behaviour/the relationship can be quite unsettling.

I assume you had reason to ask, in which case it's just as likely he's sulking because he knows you're onto him, and he thought he was cleverer than that.

PhannyPharts · 14/05/2021 10:16

If someone asked me that I'd be upset and annoyed but I wouldn't then bestow the silent treatment on them. Especially not the following day.

Zilla1 · 14/05/2021 10:21

So you don't understand why his partner arguably saying they don't trust him might have upset him? Your confidence that your first reaction would be to reassure him if he'd asked you might not be sound based on the level of insight you've demonstrated in your posts. Then again, you might understand yourself really well but you might not understand him as well as you think.

Good luck.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/05/2021 10:22

If my partner asked me that, I’d want to know what made him suspect that, who he thought it was etc and then I’d do what I could to show that his question was unjustified.

FWIW I suspected my DP of having an inappropriate friendship with someone after me adding up 2 & 2, and when I challenged him on it he was open, explained what had gone on and then said this conversation doesn’t have to be the end of it, if you have anything else you want to know let’s talk about it again. That willingness to engage about it put my mind at rest. If he’d just shut me down it would have made me feel shitty and unimportant for not being worthy of an explanation. As it turned out I wasn’t paranoid and 2+2 definitely equalled at least 4.5!

The stonewalling is not ok, the contempt he’s shown you by refusing to give more than a 3 word answer to a huge question is not ok. And yes, if this was something that happened all the time, then accusations and jealousy about talking to people of the opposite sex is not ok, but as a one off it’s a legitimate question and better than bottling it up and “keeping a watchful eye on his phone usage and behaviour” as is often advised when you suspect cheating.

You did the right thing by asking him. His reaction is weird.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 14/05/2021 10:25

I think you're response to him was odd. 'Ok'. Really? No other chat? That could be interpreted as ignoring as well as it's such a short answer. Sounds like you're 'checking up' which comes across as controlling, but I have very little info to go on here and don't know that ins and outs of your relationship

MissScotland101 · 14/05/2021 10:27

Women’s intuition regarding their cheating partner is rarely wrong...or at least that’s what ‘they’ say...

Original poster

rox5 · 14/05/2021 10:28

@MolyHolyGuacamole He wouldn't engage in any further conversation about it when I tried.

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MrsMaizel · 14/05/2021 10:31

@rox5

I had the briefest of conversations with my DP of 3.5 years last night:

Him: you seem quiet, is everything ok?
Me: I guess, I just wanted to ask if are you messaging another woman?
Him: no I'm not
Me: ok then

He then ignored me for the rest of the evening, and also this morning before he left to go home.

Now I did get the wrong end of the stick and I know he's not messaging anyone else, I just needed to hear him say it. However, I'm thoroughly confused as to why he is not talking to me any longer?!

It seems a very brief conversation if that was it ? If it were myself being accused I would want to know what my partner thought that .. I wonder why he isn't interested . Is this part of similar behaviour by yourself so he is cheesed off ?

MolyHolyGuacamole · 14/05/2021 10:31

[quote rox5]@MolyHolyGuacamole He wouldn't engage in any further conversation about it when I tried. [/quote]
Well that adds more info and does make me wonder. But again it's hard with so little info, how are you sure that you got the wrong end of the stick?

MissScotland101 · 14/05/2021 10:34

[quote rox5]@MolyHolyGuacamole He wouldn't engage in any further conversation about it when I tried. [/quote]
Maybe he is pissed off at the accusation of cheating, if he hasn’t then I can see why this would piss him off, but then some cheats would act this way too.

Has he cheated before?

Gettingbacktoitnow · 14/05/2021 10:34

Ah I feel like people forget how times have changed. Facebook and all other platforms of social media have caused so many problems for so may relationships. It's awful. Many people have suspected something and felt abit awful.

In a world where women are are filtered and posing all over the Internet and getting likes from taken men, plus Men are also filtered and pulling sexy faces for their profile photos. It's no surprise that relationships are having problems.

I think personally there are innocent likes and things. Such as mutual friends. Or friends from work or being happy for an old school friend. But there is also alot of she's pretty or he's fit so I'll like that. People just message people now. I occasionally get a hi from a random guy with a wife. I've also been with someone who's added a woman and started eyeing her up and liking all her photos in the night. It ruined us.

People have got too comfortable sending messages, Snapchats and things to people in relationships with children etc. It's actually really not pleasent and I think life was much better before phones allowed people to be in touch with people they'd not know now.

My ex came onto his old school friends alot through Facebook. He'd have never known what they looked like now as he moved away. He left school 32 years ago. But he could not control himself.

I don't like calling people insecure over things like this. Nobody wants their man to be sat their talking to another woman from work in the evening or messaging a woman from school. I'm sorry they don't. They are barely aquintances sometimes and if the wife isn't getting a hello from said woman then she's disrespecting that woman's relationship.

Whilst social media exsists we will have our doubts.

Op he should have reassured you if it was a one off. If something was bothering you then it's his job to reassure you. It's not like you truly are insecure.

MissScotland101 · 14/05/2021 10:37

@Gettingbacktoitnow

Ah I feel like people forget how times have changed. Facebook and all other platforms of social media have caused so many problems for so may relationships. It's awful. Many people have suspected something and felt abit awful.

In a world where women are are filtered and posing all over the Internet and getting likes from taken men, plus Men are also filtered and pulling sexy faces for their profile photos. It's no surprise that relationships are having problems.

I think personally there are innocent likes and things. Such as mutual friends. Or friends from work or being happy for an old school friend. But there is also alot of she's pretty or he's fit so I'll like that. People just message people now. I occasionally get a hi from a random guy with a wife. I've also been with someone who's added a woman and started eyeing her up and liking all her photos in the night. It ruined us.

People have got too comfortable sending messages, Snapchats and things to people in relationships with children etc. It's actually really not pleasent and I think life was much better before phones allowed people to be in touch with people they'd not know now.

My ex came onto his old school friends alot through Facebook. He'd have never known what they looked like now as he moved away. He left school 32 years ago. But he could not control himself.

I don't like calling people insecure over things like this. Nobody wants their man to be sat their talking to another woman from work in the evening or messaging a woman from school. I'm sorry they don't. They are barely aquintances sometimes and if the wife isn't getting a hello from said woman then she's disrespecting that woman's relationship.

Whilst social media exsists we will have our doubts.

Op he should have reassured you if it was a one off. If something was bothering you then it's his job to reassure you. It's not like you truly are insecure.

Yes yes yes! I agree with it all! I have a male friend whose in a LTR and he admitted to me that he solely got Facebook to chat to girls he went to high school with (he was 35 when he got FB) that he fancied back then just to see if they would now give him the time of day, he admitted it was just an ego boost and that he wouldn’t dare have cheated...I don’t like having partners with FB and it’s for all the reasons you say, I don’t have FB either.

Gettingbacktoitnow · 14/05/2021 10:44

It just makes cheating too tempting. Everyone is faking a better life. Only shares fabulous parts. Mastered posing.
Not all men or women are bad or disloyal but there are many. My ex lived and breathed it. He'd put a photo on and a divorced school friend was telling him how fab he looked. He replied why thank you ms Jones xxxx she was doing it alot and then the penny dropped. He was messaging her too!!
He covered his track by saying to me, no idea how she knew what I looked like before she's not seen me since school. Made out he was just being polite to her.
Internet is full of people disrespecting their partners for attention. It's not as harmless as people say. It's damaging and hurtful. I would love life to go back to the days where things were private and sacred. It's exhausting having to accept people outside the relationship getting attention and visa versa.