Jealousy

[moovinon]

Hi,
Looking for some advice on how I can deal with these feelings.

My partner is really good looking, funny, kind etc. Basically he's a really good catch. We've been together 7/8 years and have 2 young children.

When we first got together I was really jealous, hated him talking to other women, gave him a really hard time over it etc. Anyway, had my first kid and those feelings completely went.

He has just got a new job where he will now be around a lot of women. Previously, he was just with men. I can feel myself starting to panic again. I don't know what to do to control these feelings because I know it would push him away if I start mentioning anything or actively showing I'm worried.

Help.

I think you have to discover the route of these feelings. Has he ever given you reason not to tryst you? Have you had exs that cheated? Or is this about insecurities about yourself?

When you say he was talking to other women, what was the context. I mean, do you mean he couldn't even talk to a work colleague at work without you seeing red? Or do you mean he was messaging a bunch of women he had no buisness messaging (eg: they were not long term friends, they were just random women he had just met recently).

Context is everything.

So - the only reason you could control your jealousy before was by thinking he didn’t have access to women because he worked with mostly men?

There isn’t much you can do with jealousy OP, unless you do a bit of work on yourself, which can be difficult with small kids.
But in the end of the day - with you it all seems to stem from some sort of low self esteem.
You say he is good looking. And a catch. Implying you are not? Why is he with you then?

Short of counselling - getting to do something, anything that would make you feel better about yourself will go a long way.
Keeping in shape? Having friends and a bit of your own life? Etc

He can’t make you feel very good about yourself? Are you sure he’s a “good catch”?

@Umberellatheweatha Hi! No, he hasn't ever given me any reason not to trust him. I was cheated on once years ago, but it was by someone I had only been with for about a month, so I wasn't completely devastated by it.

I would say that the insecurities are about myself. I have never been particularly confident, I can be quite socially awkward, I've never felt like I'm good at anything, I suppose I've always felt like I don't matter (a lot to do with my upbringing really).

I just mean when he would talk to women in a general way. I wouldn't see red, but I guess if they were good looking and it seemed like they were getting on really well, I would just feel jealous and probably bring it up later in the day. As far as I'm aware, he doesn't message women he's just met etc, however I don't feel jealous if he's messaging an old female friend.

@MMmomDD Thank you. I think you are spot on with the low self esteem. While I don't feel like a massive catch, I guess I can be funny, I'm a decent person, I'm not horrific looking and I have a fairly good job, but I've always felt like I don't matter. Counselling does sound like a good idea because I have felt this way all of my life.

@Egghead81 It really isn't him making me feel like this. He honestly is a very good person, he treats me really well, he listens to me whingeing on about my insecurities and he's always really reassuring. He doesn't think that I'm any less than him, it's just the way I feel unfortunately.

Have you ever had any counselling to deal with this?

I've been in your partners situation and it's really, really stressful and hurtful from the other side when you've done nothing wrong and never given a partner any reason not to trust you.

I think you should maybe get some support externally to work through why you feel this way and establish some coping mechanisms.

Don't put it on him to reassure you or be the person to support you through jealousy if it's irrational, if that makes sense?