Missing out on life partner and starting a family

[Sadloveheart]

I can’t seem to find a decent man to settle down with. It’s just one awful man after the next. I meet men through OLD and in real life. I have everything else going for me. I have been patient. Stopped looking for it. Very active social life. Joined a few meet up groups before COVID. Etc. Etc.

Should it be this hard? Admittedly I’ve not been ready to meet someone and settle down until my early to mid 30s and I can’t expect to meet someone overnight. I’m now 36. Maybe I’ve left it too late and now its slim pickings?

The kind of love and relationship I’m looking for doesn’t seem to exist. I don’t even think I have high standards. Just someone I am attracted to, similar values, is respectful, has a job and can properly love me. Someone who will support me and have my back. So many guys seem to be commitment phobes or controlling twats. Is it ever going to happen for me?

... you have time to meet someone and start a family. I think life moves a lot faster as you get older (in terms of relationships and achieving the milestones). It sounds like your very proactive when it comes to dating and you know what you want.. the only advice I can therefore offer is just keep doing what your doing and be very clear from the start what you want in the future x

You've answered your own question. Why have you only been "ready" to settle down at early-mid 30s? Men who want to commit, do just that - commit- so naturally the available pool of these suitable men decreases significantly as you age. Leaving it that late to feel ready obviously leaves a relatively small window to go through the process of meeting someone suitable and compatible and getting serious about each other, if you want biological kid(s).

If it's taken you that long to feel ready, it may be worth exploring if there are other subconscious criteria you have for a potential husband that you haven't mentioned your list above.

I recommend the book Mr Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. Practical advice on finding someone suitable from someone who's done her research and also through her own personal experiences.

I have a theory that men don't really bring a lot to the table when you are financially independent, successful and capable. I know a lot of people who are getting divorced because they do everything including being the main breadwinner and the men are just a dead weight! I'm divorced and all the men out there want women to look after them and be a SAHM and I just don't want to be someone's servant. Maybe you feel the same? I would say if you want a family you can have this alone, you don't need a man for this. I wouldn't recommend choosing a man who you don't think is right to have kids.

I understand. I'm newly single. I have children but I'm 32 and just want someone late 30s, mid 40s, kind, funny, able to have a conversation. Loyal and trustworthy.

My last man turned out to be hooked on his ex and likely a narcissist. At first he was ticking all the boxes but soon became clear he was mean, emotionally unavailable, selfish, only cares for himself and has to have other women to boost his ego. That and a weird relationship with his ex. Had to basically accept her to be with him. Surprised he didn't bring her on our first date

I think there's too many options for people now so people have their feet in several pools.

Men who want to settle down generally aren't waiting to do it at 36, so it's bad timing on your part.
I think first divorces start to come about in the 40s and 50s, so you'll probably have a bigger, more narriage-inclined pool to choose from if you wait or go for older men.

If you want a family I wouldn't hang round waiting for a man.

Mid-30s is a difficult age for men!

The good ones are already snapped up and settled

The don’t-want-to-settle ones are dating younger women or having casual relationships

And the recently-divorced ones are usually divorced for a reason - I think something like 80% of divorces in this age range are initiated by the woman - so aren’t hot property either

Of course there are some out there but it’s harder to find them when you only want a proper relationship

Or you look at 40-somethings and accept that puts different challenges on potential children

I’ve not been ready to meet someone and settle down until my early to mid 30s and I can’t expect to meet someone overnight. I’m now 36.

So you've only been looking for a couple of years? That's not very long. It took me a decade and literally hundreds of first dates to find my husband.

@Brakken

You've answered your own question. Why have you only been "ready" to settle down at early-mid 30s? Men who want to commit, do just that - commit- so naturally the available pool of these suitable men decreases significantly as you age. Leaving it that late to feel ready obviously leaves a relatively small window to go through the process of meeting someone suitable and compatible and getting serious about each other, if you want biological kid(s).

If it's taken you that long to feel ready, it may be worth exploring if there are other subconscious criteria you have for a potential husband that you haven't mentioned your list above.

I recommend the book Mr Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. Practical advice on finding someone suitable from someone who's done her research and also through her own personal experiences.

I fully disagree with this, it’s really not unusual for women to wait till their 30s to settle down. And I know of almost zero ambitious men in their 20s who were even vaguely interested in marriage (except some who are now divorced.) Unless you’re from Alabama?

OP, have you thought about why your choices of men haven’t turned out so well? Is it possible you’re attracted to a certain type of man- Perhaps not the best type for you? I say this as someone who has been through exactly that! For some reason I was always chasing after emotionally unavailable and quite unstable men!

You might find talking to a therapist helpful. They could help you identify red flags to avoid in future.

@TownTalkJewels I agree with you

And I know of almost zero ambitious men in their 20s who were even vaguely interested in marriage (except some who are now divorced.) Unless you’re from Alabama?

I would guesstimate around half of my friends ended up marrying men they met in their 20s
All high-flying, high earning men, from London, not religious
They relationships weren’t super serious co-habiting ones straight away, but the weddings started from early 30s onwards

@Sparechange

And I know of almost zero ambitious men in their 20s who were even vaguely interested in marriage (except some who are now divorced.) Unless you’re from Alabama?

I would guesstimate around half of my friends ended up marrying men they met in their 20s
All high-flying, high earning men, from London, not religious
They relationships weren’t super serious co-habiting ones straight away, but the weddings started from early 30s onwards

Exactly. Most of the women I've come across who want marriage/kids but are still single in their mid 30s, have a history of choosing the wrong types of men or have wasted years with non committal men.

Being able to easily have sex without any link to marriage/kids, and a horrible porn culture which normalises seeing women as objects whose purpose is to provide pleasure to men, has meant that for many men, marriage, family life and the self sacrifice needed for these things is not appealing. Good men are unfortunately not abundant.

We're a product of our choices and we can't expect suitable men to just fall into our laps at scheduled times. If you're serious about marriage/kids you have to prioritise and actively choose to recognise and stay with a good man who will commit, and not squander fertile years with the wrong men.

@Dogfan agree with you

I think dating in your 30’s Is difficult for both sexes, I was divorced in my 30’s and the pool of ‘decent’ women In my age group was small, as most were engaged, married, setting down stage of life, and starting a family, so I certainly felt like the numbers were against me.
However that did change (for me) in my forties as those people left unhappy marriages and the pool of potential people opened up again

I’ve been there and luckily met my dh at 38. Have one ds but now struggling with fertility issues. The panic of the biological clock is probably a big factor for you. Investigate egg freezing, sperm donation etc and get a fertility check up. This will help you understand your options. I wish I had done egg freezing

I met my now husband OLD when I was 38. He was widowed with a child. The men are out there it’s just weeding them out! 36 is also young so don’t give up hope xx

Thanks for your lovely comments
I’m in London and all my girlfriends are still single and most (if not all) of my colleagues settled mid 30s to early 40s
Doesn’t change the fact it’s soooo hard to meet available men
Also I refuse to date or continue dating commitment phobes and emotionally unavailable men and trust me there are SO many Peter Pans. I have friends outside of London who tell me it’s not like that where they live.

I met my husband when I was 38, pregnant at 39, baby at 40. Life begins. And he’s amazing.

I was so worried about dying alone, and I even started to inquire about adopting as a lone parent.

I’m now so happy. Mostly

How did you meet Babymeanswashing?

Online! I joined a site called elite singles - had to pay quite a lot for six months membership and I didn’t actually realise it came out of my account in one go

I tried to cancel because I’d done OD before and had no luck, but chatting to now DH and it was the best thing I ever did.

Oh interesting
I’ve come across the dating site before but thought it sounded a little pretentious 😂
Were there many men on there?

@Sadloveheart

Thanks for your lovely comments I’m in London and all my girlfriends are still single and most (if not all) of my colleagues settled mid 30s to early 40s Doesn’t change the fact it’s soooo hard to meet available men Also I refuse to date or continue dating commitment phobes and emotionally unavailable men and trust me there are SO many Peter Pans. I have friends outside of London who tell me it’s not like that where they live.

I think the problem of dating in big cities is that you always feel like there's someone better just around the corner. People in smaller areas are more satisfied with the person in front of them.

I'm not saying you should settle for someone inappropriate, but accepting an imperfect person could lead to happiness.