Help- will things get better?

[FtMummy2020]

Posting here as I don't know where else to post. We had our first baby last year and I'm really struggling to adjust to life as a mum. I'm not sure how much of it is Covid and how much is new mum stuff but I feel lost. DH works really really long hours in a high pressure job. He finishes around 10pm but it can be later. We don't have any family nearby and some of our family are a bit unpleasant and unsupportive so we have had no support bubble.

Birth and baby's first two weeks were awful and DH had to leave 2 hrs after the birth so I was alone and struggling in hospital. I've not really come to terms with it, even though we are all well and I know many people have bad times and no-one ever seems to have the straightforward birth experience they imagined.

Lockdown meant no opportunities for groups, meet ups etc so I felt incredibly alone looking after baby all day. We don't have a garden and it's been tough trying to keep each day positive, especially over the winter months / rainy days. Going from first thing in the morning right through till bath time and baby bedtime by myself. I don't know how single mums do it and I'm full of respect for them. The housework, laundry, washing up, tidying etc seems to have become unmanageable (not helped by all of us at home and wear and tear during lockdowns) and I'm forever slaving over the washing machine / bins / washing up / tidying / maintenance / life admin etc etc it seems. My lovely home is gone and it all looks shit, and I feel it always will now as I barely have the energy to keep up with the basics each day. Proper cleaning has gone out the window.

What I feel worried about is looking for a any light at the end of the tunnel. Baby is 10 months and she's great, I completely adore her, but she's a bad sleeper and there are mornings I don't know how I'll face the day. I used to exercise and do yoga every morning and I yearn to have that time to myself again to set myself up for the day. It's really important for my mental health and I miss it. But I can only find half an hour max to get ready while DH takes her and I use that to shower and get dressed, wash my face etc to feel human. Is it unrealistic to wish for this with a baby / young child? That 30 minutes in the morning is the only time I get by myself. After baby is in bed I'm clearing up and then after chores I'm spent and go to bed before night wakings. I'm sure this is normal for Mums but I feel awful with it.

My job is uncertain due to Covid and right now there no work to go back to (self employed). I'm looking at childcare but could only afford one day a week and no childminder will take her, plus nursery feels too scary. She's never met anyone.

Basically, to summarise, I feel utterly engulfed by motherhood and my sense of self and identity has been obliterated. I've not had sex with my husband for 6 months because I've been so tired. I feel sad about it but increasingly despondent. He is stressed at work too as due to Covid their business us under pressure, do it's not conducive. Will I ever get to exercise again, do anything creative, read a book, go on a date with my DH, do more than just shove my hair up in a bun, feel human?

Hello Lovely Mum. Yes, it's a lonely flipping time with no support around. I was in a similar situation over 40 years ago so you're not the first or last to feel overwhelmed - it's quite normal. Try not to over worry about the things which seemed important before your life changed completely ( and wonderfully.) You will get your energy back. Does Baby sleep during the day when you could use that time for yourself? Could you and she go for a short walk outside just for a change of scenery? You might be able to pass the time of day with someone or at least get some much needed oxygen going round. You're doing fine, concentrate on the three of you and keep a mental note of any positives in a day (getting dressed counts as a positive!). Sending a hug.

Thank you for your kind post. No, her naps are very short so I rarely get time to do anything. I sometimes get an hour by the time I've got her down etc but spend it clearing up and catching up on life admin.

Can you get a cleaner in the short term to help get the house back under control?

Would your DH be helping to pay for childcare?

It's ok to not enjoy staying at home with your baby. Seriously!
Value from working doesn't come from just earnings, if it makes you happier than that is really important too!!

Good Morning. I've checked in to see if you are ok as didn't want you to feel lonely. It's a long time since I had babies so it's hard trying to remember how I (sometimes) coped with daily jobs. And I don't want to sound preachy instead of helpful. However, would suggest you both go for a walk today just to get you away from the walls. You're doing fine. One day and one chore at a time!

I think you have a husband problem to be blunt.

Why did he have to leave 2 hrs after the birth? What job does he do that is so important he can’t take time off to help his wife.

So he works from home yet no lunch break and works until 10pm every day? I question that to be honest. I assumed initially he had a long commute but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

What do you want from this relationship? Your H is not going to change unless he wants too. Could you go for joint counselling? I think your problems are more than having a baby. This isn’t normal and your H really needs to put some energy into his marriage and family.

I am so sorry and feel for you totally. I hated being a mum and could not understand how I was duped into how lovely parenthood was by the glossy soft focus baby magazines and fuzzy warm adverts with the perfect mum and family. I vowed never to have another child again and my daughter is now 23 and was the only one I had!! How I got through the awful years was focusing on what I could do, I stopped trying to be the best mum and partner and stopped incessantly cleaning and hoovering and dusting. I just did the bare minimum. I then got a cleaner in and went to the park or out for a drive when she was cleaning. It did affect my relationship and my partner and I separated, which actually made my life a whole lot easier. Somehow my daughter and I made it through....god knows how....I was in full time work too....I eventually grew to love being a parent and mother and today my daughter and I have the closest, funniest and amazing relationship and we chat about the dark days of raising her with astonishment that she became the amazing woman she is now. So, dont fall for all the perfect parent nonsense. Stop the running around for a nice, perfect house, get takeaways in if you are too tired to cook, get a cleaner in to clean and get Tesco to drop your shopping off. One day at a time....your knackered, help yourself out now.

Getting outside as much as you can will really help. It would be worth contacting your local NCT group to see if they have any bumps and babies groups that might be re-starting.
In terms of cleaning if you can decide which room will mess with your mental health the most of it isn't clean, do that and try to keep that one room tidy.
I hear that your husband works long hours but it's worth reminding yourself and him that you're on a permanent 24 hour callout. Does he not get annual leave? Childcare costs are family costs he should be contributing to.
A hug to you, I really hope the lockdown easing will help you.

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed.

Hopefully groups, etc will start running again soon so you should be able to get out and meet other mums/dads.

I second going out for a walk every day that you can. I know the weather this week is pretty dire but just getting out and getting some fresh air and a change of scenery should help lift your mood and will be good for your baby too.

Could you try posting on any local fb groups to see if there are any other mums in a similar situation who might like to meet up for a walk or coffee now that hospitality is opening up again? I bet there are. If you don't have that close support from family then try and make your own with friends.

I hope things get better soon.

Hi OP, I just wanted to offer some solidarity more than anything. My baby is 8 months old and also a shocking sleeper and gosh it has been tough. Like you, I feel completely bogged down by all the 'looking after' and cleaning. It feels endless. I think many new mums will identify with the loneliness that you have described and lockdown has really amplified that. One thing I have found that really helps is going to fitness classes where you can bring your baby and chat to other mums. It has given me fresh air and company and I really look forward to them each week.

My situation was very similar to yours with my DS. He is 7yo now and I'm just about starting to feel human again (homeschooling was a huge step back though).
As a result of my experience of childbirth/motherhood he will be an only child.
I am posting to let you know that you're not alone, your feelings are valid and normal.

Particularly with having no supportive DH and family around, I suggest looking into all and every possible avenue of childcare - that would be the light at the end of the tunnel.
Is one day of childcare all that you can afford between you and your DH?

It really does get better xx
I found that going for a massive walk every day was good for my mental health. The fresh air and mental stimulation tires the baby out too. I used to have a book in my bag, find a café and once the baby was asleep, read my book and have a coffee.

@Feelinghothothottoday sorry but I think you have slightly misunderstood..My fault at probably poorly communicating! My DH had to leave 2hours after the birth because of Covid rules. The hospital didn't allow partners in.

Re his work, his job is a very high pressure high responsibility role. It's just how it is. He doesn't have a standard lunch break etc. It's better now because at least he finishes at 10. When he was not wfh they would sometimes be there till after midnight. That's not something he can change for now, but he is looking around for suitable alternative work in the next year or so. Covid means less jobs around though so he can't just jump ship immediately as we'd be left high and dry financially.

You say you admire single mums, but in what way are you not a single mum?

If his job does not earn enough for you to have a cleaner/nanny, then he doesn't need to be working until 10pm.

You have a partner problem for sure. He needs to step up, either he is very high paying, in which case he can pay for cleaner/babysitter, or he doesn't get paid enough in which he needs to stop working till 10pm.. Other than that it's possible you might be experiencing postnatal depression so could be helpful to speak to a gp about it (though I realise how hard it is to get an appointment these days)

If baby doesn't nap much during the day and wakes up a lot at nights it could be she is very overtired. Unlike adults, the more tired kids are the harder they fight against sleep. Maybe look into sleep training?

Also try putting baby in a playpen or something to do some exercise or look up some baby friendly exercising so u can do it together. Try to go out for a walk every day. Find a routine so you do x thing at x time, that will help you break up the day, and kids usually thrive with having a routine x

And also forget about the house, let it be a tip for now. Stop slaving on the weekends. Get your partner to help more!

Just to say you’re doing fine.💐

The early years are relentless but it does get better. If baby is clean, fed and happy you’re doing great!

I would have a chat with your GP to check for post-natal depression and possibly baby’s poor sleeping habits.

In terms of exercise, I know there are buggyfit classes running around here as I’ve seen them when out and about so maybe check if there are any in your area, it will get you and baby out and a little bit of socialising too. Also, if you have space at home maybe look up some mum and baby yoga classes lots of studios are doing Zoom classes (and some are even back in the studio) or find some on YouTube.

I also agree that it sounds like you also have a DH problem, and unless you tackle that now it won’t improve. When you are feeling calm and baby is asleep sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel and what you need from him. I don’t think he needs to be working until 10pm every night! I know when I was wfh during the first lockdown I was working far longer than I needed to but I wasn’t being efficient and was giving things way more attention then they needed. During the second lockdown I set myself work hours and once time was up I shut down my computer and tided up and left the room. I got far more done in the day because I was focused and had time limits. It also meant I had more time for exercise and other pursuits. So have a chat with DH and set up some boundaries around home and work life that will make things better for both of you.

Thanks for the suggestions. Tbh I don't understand why people are saying I've got a DH problem. He works long hours - that is his job. It's not that he's choosing to do so. As I said upthread he is looking for better hours but it's not going to change overnight. It's quite well paid but very responsible and he has to be on call. We are looking into childcare. Also the reason he wasn't in hospital with me was the Covid rules. He hated not being there - it was awful.

It's a DH problem because even on weekends you don't get any time for yourself. He should be helping more out with house/baby when he is not at work. He may work longer hours, but actually you work longer hours than him. Staying at home with a baby is a 24/7 job

Even if pregnancy was a surprise, he had at minimum several months to make adjustments to his job in order to accommodate the baby.

Do you realise that if you 2 broke up, you would actually gett more free time than you do now? Like eow/several hrs a week when he would see his child? You are actually worse off than single parents!

Sorry OP I did misunderstand re the two hours and Covid. That must have been so difficult for both of you.

I still believe you have a H problem. If he earns good money could you get a cleaner?
Remember child care costs come out of the family income pot and not just your salary.

Does he help at the weekend? Can you join a book club or swimming or running club. Just some time for you?