How to give up instigating a friendship

[iamtherealwalrus]

I make friends easily and have lots of them. I keep in touch with them regularly even when we can’t see each other.

I seem to have got a bit obsessed with becoming friends with a girl I know through work. We text fairly frequently but it’s nearly always me instigating it. We’ve met socially a few times (again, me suggesting it and she is often evasive and flakey). She has serious mental health issues which I think may impact on all of this but I don’t know to what extent. I’ve been very kind and helpful to her in difficult times and I don’t think she appreciates it.

I think it’s because I genuinely like her, and perhaps also feel I could help her if she would let me in a bit more. Deep down I’m coming to realise that I’m chasing a friendship which isn’t going anywhere but I can’t seem to let it go. Has anyone else had this before?

Honestly you sound a bit creepy. You don't think she appreciates your help? She is evasive when you ask for meetings?

I think you need to completely stop engaging with her. If she wants to be your friend she will get in touch. It's also a good idea to examine your motives really honestly. Do you have a crush on her? Identify with her in some way? Why would you feel a need to 'save' her? Have you done this before?

In the nicest possible way, back off with the saviour complex. You may consider that her MH difficulties mean she should ‘appreciate’ you, but the fact is she doesn’t reciprocate your ‘obsessive’ need to form of friendship. She sounds like she’s happy with a casual work friendship. Why on earth are you so obsessed with her?

Thanks for the honest replies, I needed to hear them.

I should have said that when I’ve helped her with stuff it’s been at her request. She’ll often tell me she doesn’t have many friends and wishes she could make them more easily so it’s a bit disappointing and frustrating when I then hold out an olive branch she doesn’t take. But I guess she just doesn’t want to be MY friend, which is fair enough.

You sound very full on.

I'd avoid you, and I don't have mental health issues.

I can imagine she might be totally overwhelmed by your enthusiasm, and what you see as an olive branch she sees as full on.

Why do you think she doesn't appreciate what you've done for her? Is it because she wasn't gushing with thanks?

If you really want a long term friendship with her, back off a bit.

*I’ve been very kind and helpful to her in difficult times and I don’t think she appreciates it.

I think it’s because I genuinely like her, and perhaps also feel I could help her if she would let me in a bit more.*

Has she told you that you have been kind and helpful to her? Or are you assuming this? Maybe she finds you intrusive, insensitive and overbearing?

How can you help her exactly? What qualifications and experience have you accrued in dealing with serious MH issues?

Your boundaries seem off - why should she let you in - can you not read the implicit? She is not being evasive she is likely giving you the cold shoulder.

She’ll say things like she is struggling and needs someone to talk to, or she is really missing seeing people in person, or she doesn’t have many friends, or she will ask me to help her move house... etc. So my natural instinct when people say that to me is to offer my support.

But you’re all right and I am grateful for the honesty. I need to back off completely.

Sounds like you've got some sort of 'rescuer' thing going on. Its a fault in you which isn't helpful to you or others and you can fix it, so I recommend looking into it.

On a practical level, delete her contact details so you're not tempted to text her.

@iamtherealwalrus

She’ll say things like she is struggling and needs someone to talk to, or she is really missing seeing people in person, or she doesn’t have many friends, or she will ask me to help her move house... etc. So my natural instinct when people say that to me is to offer my support.

But you’re all right and I am grateful for the honesty. I need to back off completely.

I worked with a girl like this. Exact same story mental health issues, always saying she is lonely and has no friends but she is impossible to maintain a friendship with and I honestly just gave up. Blames her metal health on having no friends and being alone yet she never makes an effort.

I find it very hard to make friends. I have noticed over the years, that when I have made new friends, it is because they, perhaps like you, have decided that they are going to make friends with me and have taken the initiative. I am grateful that they did as I wouldn’t know where to start. So I don’t think you need to change your approach full stop, but in this particular case, it sounds like she is fine keeping things as they are, so I would probably suggest you back off now.