Tell me about....whether 2nd time around is always better

[19Bears]

Just been reading a lovely thread - Tell me about your wonderful men... by @onecandream (sorry you're feeling this way, OP, I know all about where you are) and couldn't help but notice a lot of the comments were describing new partners who are so much better than horrible old ones. Is this always the case? I'd like to think that the mistakes you make, or the shit you put up with in first marriages are a lesson never to be repeated, and that second time around is way way better. Just wondering?

Nope. Like all relationships, some are better, some are worse. I left lovely DH1 who seemed too safe and easy for more difficult but sexy as fuck DH2. Guess which one behaved like an absolute tool in the divorce and subsequently has done with contact issues etc. You might learn from relationships but that's no guarantee that you won't misjudge or be taken in.

For me, yes. My last serious relationship, the ensuing break up, and the period of reflection afterwards taught me a lot about myself and what works and doesn’t work for me in a relationship. It helped me identify my mistakes and where I never want to go wrong again. I didn’t always cover myself in glory in my last relationship; I was without a doubt difficult to live with sometimes; on reflection, my behaviour was often unreasonable – though I probably wouldn’t have admitted it at the time.

However, there’s also an element of being with the right person, which can be just as much luck as it is wisdom. As much as we like to say “a leopard never changes is spots”, I think that many of us are different people when we are with different people, and bad behaviour in one relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that behaviour would be repeated in another one. DP and I are far better suited to each other than my ex and I were; consequently, DP and I are both better versions of ourselves than we were in previous relationships. When I was a square peg trying to push myself into the round whole of my last relationship, I wasn’t the best me. My ex, for all his faults, is doubtless also a better person with a woman who suits him better than I did, and I don’t think he’d repeat the same behaviour with his new partner. My ex and I were certainly horrible people to each other sometimes; but I don’t believe either of us are horrible people, in and of ourselves.

I do think that in order to move on you have to be emotionally literate with yourself; and also honest enough to identify and address your own mistakes. People who continue to insist that their ex partner was solely to blame for all the ills in the relationship and that they were blameless, all to often just go on to repeat the same with somebody else.

I know for me, having been a horribly abusive relationship meant that my standards were so incredibly high for number 2 that he had to be mr perfect to be given a chance.

And he is! He is literally perfect. I think people who haven’t had to go through the hard shit aren’t as cautious which is understandable.

For me, yes. With DH1 from teens to around 30.

You put up with a lot less shit from people at 30 than you do in your teens. And you realise that if your relationship is crap and abusive you'd be better off on your own.

DH2, from 33 to now (56). Fabulous man. And if he wasn't I'd be dumping him. I wasn't prepared to settle again.

I totally agree with this @ComtesseDeSpair in that I really don't like the person I am when I'm with dh. I'm withdrawn and moody and miserable and I can't be a nice person to be around. But when it's just me and my boys, I'm totally different and have a laugh and smile and say silly things to make them laugh and I love it. Also at work, I love being there because I can be myself. He brings out the worst in me, and I probably am partly to blame for how he is. Neither of us are happy, and we would both be so much better on our own or with other people. I just wish I was brave enough to say this to him. If I ever get out of this, and if I ever find myself with someone else, they're gunna have to be pretty bloody good!

Divorce rates higher in 2nd and third marriages so probably not.