What is OLD like from a guy's perspective?

[cosmicqueen]

Longtime lurker, first time poster.....

I've been single for a year and a half and would really like to meet someone again. During the first lockdown I used Bumble and chatted to a few guys. Had a lot of positive interactions and arranged a date which didn't happen. Never mind.

I recently joined tinder and deleted it fairly quickly....wanted to be optimistic but it's just not for me. Too many creeps and guys who put minimal effort into having a conversation. Went back on bumble but this time there seemed to be less guys. The majority of those guys I'd already seen on the app when I was on it last year. Had a few decent conversations but no plans to meet up with anyone. One guy asked if I wanna go shopping with him, I said no and suggested an alternative (meeting up for a drink). He ignored my suggestion but kept texting me. The impression I get (and maybe I'm wrong) is that a lot of guy's aren't actually interested in dating. They just want an ego boost and a pen pal. Now that restrictions r easing I thought more people would be actively looking to date as there are more date options. People can do more than just meeting up for walks. IME this doesn't seem to be the case.

I'm just interested to know what OLD is like from a guy's perspective?

Last time I was on was a couple of years ago. PoF. Very high percentage of messages are never read or answered. I chatted to a few ladies who seemed nice but often just vanished mid flow. Got as far as meeting two. One was poly - or was trying to be after her husband decided to be a few months previously. She was a very lovely sweet intelligent person but we weren’t in the same place. The other one was a long time bdsm scene inhabitant. We went out a few times and got on ok and I enjoyed having my eyes widened a bit but we also weren’t in the same place and she got a bit intense / stalky.

Round about that point I met my now partner IRL at an art class.

This is similar to previous stints. The general theme is trying to be interesting and unique into an endless void.

I’m no ugly duckling but I know a male stripper who was on there with all the right pics and let’s just say his experience was a little different

For me it was most of the above.
Women do seem to get bombarded and see themselves as a prize catch and you should be honoured to get any kind of response from them,and I met the usual percentage of weirdos too. Met two fab and genuine ladies that both turned into relationships on different stints of OLD though,so it does work if youre a decent person with patience and dignity.
We dont have to endure dick-pics obvs but those rabbit ears and filters are an immediate turn-off,as are all of the usual old cliches.

It's the same in many ways as what you ladies face. Without the dic pic equivalents.

The first person I dated post separation told me how tough it is old. I didn't realise at the time but it was right.

You get the ones that have 'no luck with men'. Red flag straight away.

The nicer ones that kind of can't help themselves. I had a first date where she started telling me where I'd gone wrong with my divorce settlement agreement. This group may be nice under a tougher exterior but just aren't for most men.

The avoidants. These are often nice ladies that want to talk but aren't ready for a relationship. Will do anything but meet.

The ones that pop up now and then. Clearly between blokes. So you mark them as casual.

The ones that target you for finances.

Then there's the small group that are nice and will meet. These are the ones you want but it takes a lot of trawling!

The one thing I've found is that whilst we have to do most of the initiating if she's interested she will message now and then on her own accord. If she only ever responds then you're a bit more sceptical.

@JellyBabiesFan

Considering that you only know what OLD is like if you have been on OLD yourself

Are you saying you cannot know about something if you have not done it? Not sure I agree with that statement.

If your partner's close friend had never been on OLD, she wasn't qualified to tell everyone what the people there were like, no. And if she had been there - well, was she an "Instagram reject"?

@StillLearningDad

I found online dating difficult as a man in my mid-20s (a while ago.) I was honest and considerate and wrote proper messages but I wasn't very exciting or hot. It seemed like women in their 20s had so many guys after them and were waiting for the cream of the crop, which is fair enough but was disheartening at times.

Now I'm in my 40s and I get the feeling that the "numbers game" might have shifted by this age, but I haven't been single for a long time so I don't actually know what it's like out there now.

Have had a similar experience myself, and also find I do much 'better' as an average looking man in RL situations than the OLD sweet shop. I get occasional interest from attractive and interesting women in RL (work or pub generally), but not in OLD.

So the format isn't great for me, and the things people constantly decry (dick pics, topless muscle photos, stealth boasts, pics of expensive cars, etc) are there because they've worked in the past. That's not a game I'm going to either play or win.

the things people constantly decry (dick pics, topless muscle photos, stealth boasts, pics of expensive cars, etc) are there because they've worked in the past

This is a good point - who the hell is encouraging these things?!

@Annabellerina

the things people constantly decry (dick pics, topless muscle photos, stealth boasts, pics of expensive cars, etc) are there because they've worked in the past

This is a good point - who the hell is encouraging these things?!

I got the feeling that 80% of the women were chasing the "top" 20% of the guys, so it was tempting to try to find a way to come across as one of those guys, in order to get more interest from women. Saying "I'm a respectful decent person" doesn't compete with a really hot photo (or it didn't seem to.)

If your partner's close friend had never been on OLD, she wasn't qualified to tell everyone what the people there were like, no.
And if she had been there - well, was she an "Instagram reject

Yeah, I have no idea what you are trying to say there love.

My newish bloke seems reasonably satisfied with the outcome of OLD but he did say I was one of the very few who made even a twitch of the first move (I 'liked' his profile which I almost never did, mainly because there weren't that many I liked ) I wasn't being deliberately stand offish but was always going to take my time a bit.

As an older woman I definitely have felt that making the first move re messages (and I'm really fine with it) is said to be appreciated, BUT I get the strong feeling that underneath is the masculine desire is to be the one making the moves or that your value as female is diminished because you are not 'waiting' and therefore must be of low value to be 'active'. Frustrating and boring.

I think dating sites ought to ask for a code of conduct to be signed and if you break it you're chucked off. A site for people with manners.

@JellyBabiesFan

*If your partner's close friend had never been on OLD, she wasn't qualified to tell everyone what the people there were like, no. And if she had been there - well, was she an "Instagram reject*

Yeah, I have no idea what you are trying to say there love.

The "love" makes you sound like a troll, so I guess I would probably be wasting my time trying to explain what I imagined was a simple concept any further, sorry.

@Annabellerina

the things people constantly decry (dick pics, topless muscle photos, stealth boasts, pics of expensive cars, etc) are there because they've worked in the past

This is a good point - who the hell is encouraging these things?!

I know, right!! Haha who IS encouraging these things!? I automatically swipe left for those.

If a good-looking guy with a really toned body posted topless pics, wouldn't that get quite a few women interested? He might be arrogant or something, but wouldn't some women take the chance to find out, based on the fact that he looked hot? (I do understand why the dick pics aren't endearing though.)

@rosabug I respectfully think you’re wrong! I’d say as an older (I would like to think silver fox but really a bit faded) man with a long OLD history -divorced when Jesus was a boy and have had both long and short relationships (up to 8 years but I seem to specialise in about 4!) -relationships it’s an equal playing field out there and has been for a long time.
I have been contacted initially by women on many occasions and much appreciated it. One of them led to the 8 year relationship and almost to the altar. Another with a woman with no photo -and generally I would never contact a woman without one because without sounding shallow they are relevant -because she was high profile in her field and had been stalked in the past.
I hope I treat women with the same courtesy I’d expect to get from them. And in my age group would never consider dick pics. Only once have I ever identified a possible gold-digger.
My personal filters are university/post-grad (brains are attractive), age-appropriate (I get enough attention from gorgeous East European models called Helga who reeeeallllly want to meet me), distance.
So my experience has been positive on the whole, but you do have to chat/meet an awful lot of people -it’s funny, there are lots of women who I could happily be friends with but few I’d want to slip between the sheets with. Must be that famous chemistry many womens’ profiles talk about.
I’ve read so many profiles over the years I’m thinking of starting a profile editing service. Never but never post a main photo wearing sunglasses. Never include your kids/grandkids in photos -they didn’t agree to it. Avoid the clichés -glass half full, equally happy in a LBD or wellies, like the country side but equally happy with all the city has to offer, love to travel but like curling up on the sofa with a DVD and glass of red. Yawn. But then many women complain about all those men with photos of them with their fish…
I’m currently thinking about dusting off my profile and getting the kids to take some photos, sigh.