Why am I so anxious / insecure in this relationship?

[Ruby0707]

Been with my partner for over a year now and I go in and out of being content and being awfully anxious, wondering if he is right for me, insecure that he is going off me.

I can be quite an anxious person and had some history of partners cheating / being secretive to the point where I stayed single for a long time so maybe that has something to do with it.

My partner can also be quite moody at times, not really at me but if something is on his mind it really shows and I feel it to the point where I'm on edge. He can sometimes snap at me if he is stressed.

I read a lot on here about emotional abuse and it has made me wonder if this is it? How would I know? Is this why I feel anxious sometimes? I'm also worried my views may be skewed due to previous betrayal and trust issues.

Any insight? I'm confused.

Have a look at the anxious avoidant trap xxx

I second that, have a look at YouTube for Alain de Botton's Life School 'What is your attachment style?'

Thanks for your replies and interesting that you both say the same thing! I will definitely check it out.

I had a quick look and it is based on me being the anxious and him being the avoidant? Is that right?

Yes it is. Ideally your best match is to find someone securely attached who is able to give you the attention and emotional support you need. An avoidant is going to be an unfulfilling match generally. I say that as someone who was anxiously attached and healed through therapy and a secure relationship. Good luck.

Thanks for your insight. Sounds like we might be doomed which is a bit of a shitter.

What about the emotional abuse? I feel really paranoid about it after reading so much of it on here. Could the moodiness be this? He can be very thoughtful in other ways though so not sure if this is just part of his personality that I have to deal with.

Being snapped at by someone doesn't feel good to anyone but we can all react that way when tired or stressed. Doesn't mean it's emotional abuse but if you are anxious by nature it can feel heightened and you are perfectly entitled to tackle it with him ie when you snap at me I feel scared, sad, however it makes you feel. If he isn't willing to adjust his behaviour, it's a good indication of whether he cares about your feelings and respects you.

Because he's not nice to you, of course you feel in edge if he's moody and snappy, just your judgment here, if he doesn't make you feel happy and wanted, don't stay with him.

I have a friend that is dating someone like your dp. He gets moody and it makes her feel insecure about his feelings towards her which in turn makes her anxious and needy (to him anyway). Honestly I’ve told her that she really either let it go and accept him how he is or leave and find someone that never makes you doubt their feeling they have for you.

If you're gut is telling you that there's something off about the relationship, it's a good idea to listen to it. Something is clearly troubling you about him, and I'm sure it's not you or your attachment type that's the problem.

I recommend the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. Our instincts and intuition about peple are rarely wrong