First steps to seperate?

[JRson]

Hi,

This is my first post here and I can’t quite believe I’m writing it.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 20 (now 36) and we have two kids age 7 and 5. To everyone else it probably seems like we have a great life and in many ways we do and our kids are amazing. But the relationship between myself and my husband has just gone so badly downhill it’s unreal. Quite honestly I’m miserable. We don’t love each other any more, I don’t even know if we like each other. We see eye to eye on nothing. We argue lots, and although we try to hide it from the boys they’ll undoubtedly pick up on it at times. My husband is the type of person who would rather carry on like this for years and years to save face and to not have a broken family and to keep up the pretence that we have a happy family but I’m just becoming more and more unhappy and spending more of my days just feeling depressed and crying. I’m exhausted living a double life and getting nothing but flack and aggro from inside this house.

I’ve spoken to him before about him moving out for a while to give us some space and see how things woukd go then but he won’t. (Even though he can afford to and have plenty family in the area we live to turn to).

The problem is, I stopped working when I had my eldest son as my husband works away a lot and it would have cost more to send my son to nursery than I earned. I’m now working very casually and part time but earn only pocket money really. He is the breadwinner and the one in charge of all the financial stuff. I don’t have money of my own so wouldn’t be able to move out and find somewhere new for myself and the kids.

My family all live further away and I can’t talk to them about this. In actual fact I feel I can’t talk to anyone, can’t do anything, and I just cannot see a way out of this. I’m feeling pretty lousy right now and just want a happy environment for the kids, and maybe the chance at happiness myself at some point down the line but I can’t see where I’d even begin.

What do I do, and what steps do I take to try to make things happen? I feel like no matter what I do next it’ll be wrong. But I just know I can’t carry on like this indefinitely. Sorry for the doom and gloom post and please be kind, I’m not in the frame of mind right now to hear anything nasty

I'm so sorry you're going though this, it sounds really hard for all of you.
My first step here would be to consider couples counselling or therapy - have you thought about that or discussed it at all?

Thankyou so much for your reply, it means so much right now.

To be honest I don’t think he’d ever go in for that. I could always suggest it but I’d be very surprised if he would agree. And I just don’t know if there’s enough if anything left to work on or build on to get back to a good place. But thankyou so, so much for your advice. I appreciate it a lot x

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear you're so unhappy. It's awful to hear you feel so alone too. I hope this thread can give you the support you need, but would you also consider confiding in a trusted friend? Even just one person to share the load with would help so much.

I would try talking to your husband about how unhappy you are. Presumably he also isn't feeling very happy. If you feel that counselling wouldn't help, are there any other things that would? Could you ask him to call a truce on the arguments you're having, and try for the next few days to act loving towards one another (even if you don't feel it)? See what he says to this.

If, however, you feel the only way is separation after having spoken to him, ask him how he would feel about living the rest of his life in this way. I know some people would hate to separate simply because it's 'not the thing to do', but we all deserve to be happy, and if you can help him see that you both could lead happier lives separately, maybe that's a way forward?

I'm not having an easy time with my marriage at the moment, so I do know how you feel. Sending you love and strength.

It's worth suggesting OP. And don't forget counselling isn't there in order for you to reconcile - it's to help you both move forward in the best way. It might turn out to help you separate in a better way. Also just making the suggestion is you being pro-active and taking a bit of control of the situation so even if he doesn't want counselling it can change the conversation between you.

I am in the same situation @JRson I know in my mind I have to move on from feeling so miserable, but I don't know how to do it without causing chaos and hurt. Me and DH went to counselling together in Nov 19 after I'd been to a few sessions on my own. The plan was to tell him straight that I just didn't love him anymore, we'd grown apart, and I couldn't live the rest of my life this way, all in the safe and calm environment of the counselling room. Unfortunately it didn't quite go that way, he did all the talking and I backed down. I did tell him the next day that I never wanted a sexual relationship with him again and that we are only friends (barely that to be honest) having had no physical relationship of any kind for 10 years now. We've rumbled on since then, both unhappy, but neither wanting to be the one to say enough's enough. I think the only way forward for you (and me) is to take a deep breath and have the difficult conversation, no matter how hard it is to get that started. My counsellor said to me, you have to accept any decision you make now will come at a cost emotionally, there's no avoiding that. She's right, you either stay as you are and continue to be unhappy, or make a change and accept it will be painful, but remember the pain will be temporary and then you can move forward and find what you need. Good luck OP x