No sex with disabled husband

[Kaylieghjd]

Hi I’ve been with OH for 10 years married for 8 years he’s a lovely man that I care for and love, (short version) at first out marriage was great we were intimate and had sex a few times a week, but for the last 6 years Of being together we have lived like brother and sister no intimacy and no sex, around 3 years ago my OH was diagnosed with FND and Fibromyalgia, and now I’ve really lost all hope of ever having an “normal” healthy relationship, I’ve spoken to him on and off over the years about this but I feel now he’s using his disabilities as the reason for loss of interest. I’m on antidepressants and have been for years, I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life like this? I would be grateful of some advise, thanks.

I have Fibro and other conditions including a rare brain disorder. I don't know what FND is, sorry. But despite being in pain my DH and I have a good intimate relationship, we may have to get inventive with positions depending on which joints are problematic but we make it work. Actually orgasms help with pain relief with the release of endorphins. If you're not happy then a frank conversation is needed. No one should be unhappy for whatever reason in a relationship. Would he be up for relationship counselling?

Thanks for your reply, FND is functional neurological disorder it’s all to do with the functions of the nervous systems and how the brain sends and receives signals, it creates random muscle spasms in his limbs we can control these with the use of CBD tablets.
I had read that somewhere that orgasms help with pain relief and I have mentioned this to him, I’m scared to talk frank as he withdraws and just says “you can do better without me” “You would be better finding someone else”
I’ve tried pleasing myself but it just makes me feel more alone.
I’m not sure if he would try counselling? this is all such a mess it would be different if I was in my 80s as I could put it down to age, but I’m only 46 and my OH is 48, the thought of the rest of my life without being intimate breaks my heart.

He sounds depressed, is he speaking to someone about how he feels at all? Having a painful condition that debilitates can make you feel bad about yourself. See if he will refer himself for CBT, it might really help alongside seeking support for pain and sleep management if those are a factor.

I agree with him sounding depressed.
Does he say I can't have sex due to pain/fatigue etc? Does he know how you feel? I have to say fatigue is probably the main reason we haven't had sex (I have been known to fall asleep mid conversation as well as soon as I've laid down!).
How proactive is he with his conditions? Does he cry off other things and blame the Fibro or FND?
I've recently signed up for a pain management course to try and help myself as I've been struggling lately. Just so I feel that I'm in control of my life. Would he consider that?
I really think talking with someone would help both of you but he needs to be willing.

That is a shame. My ex partner was paraplegic and we still managed to have a great sex life. In fact probably the best out of anyone. Interestingly he has issues with spasms in his legs and he was eventually told that it might be because he couldn’t orgasm. He was given this machine ( which was totally unsexy!!) but it did occasionally work and his spasms were so much better. I hope things improve.

I think men generally need regular orgasms for both physical and psychological reasons. They bring a feeling of satisfaction and confidence and although I am fortunate enough not to suffer from chronic pain I do find they can chase away minor things like headaches and low moods.

You are far too young to give up on intimacy and if he is physically capable your OH should engage with the issue. Imposing celibacy on a partner is a fundamental breach of a relationship.

You say you've tried pleasing your self and it makes you feel more alone but would he be willing to be there with you kissing and stroking etc so you have the intimacy but there's no pressure on him to dtd.
If the pressure is off then he might slowly want to get more involved perhaps x

Thank you all so much for your advice, he was offered CBT but only in group therapy so he declined, he is taking duloxetine (antidepressant) it was prescribed for nerve pain.
He’s fairly proactive he cooks (which he loves) and he can still manage jobs around the house a little slower than before but he said he’s determined to keep as active as possible, I’ve spoken to him in the past about this but I don’t like hurting his feelings, when asked about giving things a try he just says sorry he doesn’t feel like it, I have asked if I can please him but he declines, this is so hard as I love my husband and want to be able to show him fully and everything else about my marriage is great, I feel very selfish for wanting it all.

Duloxetine is known to affect libido, if you explain to him how lack of physical intimacy makes you feel maybe he would be willing to speak to the GP or consultant about changing his medication for one which doesn't affect libido to the same degree.

He says he loves me more than ever, But surely if you claim to feel that much for someone you would at least try and see if something comes of a passionate kiss??

The medication you describe kills the urge for sex. You just don't get the urge to have sex because it fills that part of the brain. That's where your problem is.

Dulls that part of the brain, sorry. When the hell will MN give us an edit button ffs?

The thing is, he's given you your answer, you just don't want to hear it. He might love you, but doesn't sound bothered if you break up and like he knows you might over this. I've had close friends that I've loved, didn't want to sleep with them though.