Scared my house might burn down.

[kneelingknievel]

Yesterday, I had need to visit my old home (where my ex and kids still live). House is paid off and the youngest is under 18. I moved out over 4 years ago when I realised my attempts to keep the relationship afloat was proving fruitless. I've not had reason to visit for several months and it was only the fact that I sold my motorbike and had to get the keys for the garage from inside the house, that I'd gone there.
I was mortified by the mess inside the house, there was boxes, litter and rubbish from just inside the front door, through the living room, dining room and kitchen, it was literally a case of walking sideways to get to the rear door and into the garage.
I opened the garage door and was met by another tower of cardboard boxes, newspaper and crap, some of it fell out and it took me half an hour to remove enough to be able to rescue my motorbike. After the deal was done, I stacked it as best I could, closed the door and went back in the house. The property has an attic bedroom and I needed a few things I had stored in there, the stairs were as bad as the ground floor, there was plates, cups and empty food containers that I had to weave my way past. The landing was the same and the attic stairs were even worse, a lot of the stuff I was trying to avoid went tumbling and blocked the door. I managed to get into the attic and was appalled by what was the final straw, it was ceiling high with rubbish, there was no way I could get to the corner of the room without falling into the mess or hurting myself. It's my sons bedroom, but with him not being at Uni, he's been staying with and looking after his grandmother (her's, both my parents are deceased). There was no way he could get into bed without climbing over the crap that was piled up, plus his bed was heaped high with even more boxes, clothes and general rubbish. I was disgusted, when I lived there I was in a constant battle to keep the place clean and tidy, but it got to the point that I was wasting my time, but I've never seen the place in such a mess. The carpets and furniture is ruined, the wall paper is peeling off and there is damp patches appearing on the walls.
I was so annoyed, I went back downstairs and simply told my ex that I would come back and look for the stuff I wanted another time. I never said a thing about the condition she has our property in.
I've had a very restless night and little to no sleep worrying about this, I think I have good grounds to involve social services as the entire house is a hazard and a fire trap if it heaven forbid something happens. I'm disabled with a prosthetic leg, arthritis and fibromyalgia and I having thought about my actions yesterday, I could have been seriously hurt had I fell or tripped.
Can I ask please, are there any other organisations or services I can contact to seek advice and help with this?

Thank you.

Sell the house? Order a skip? Pay a house clearance company to declutter the rubbish? Talk to your ex about her low standards of domestic hygiene? Maybe your ex feels overwhelmed because it's all got too much and doesn't know where to start? This sort of hoarding can be very difficult to address because often the person will not acknowledge it's just rubbish, hoarding can sometimes be a manifestation of mental illness where a person feels they have no control in their life and this 'rubbish' is all they have, their only possessions as such. This doesn't get this bad overnight and takes years to build up, during which time her social relations will have broken down because she will have felt shame and embarrassment. What I'm trying to say (having dealt with a neighbour in a similar mess) is that this is often intertwined with a lot of emotional stuff and can be to the person the only thing they have heft to control in their life & getting them to let it go will not be easy. They often resist because they just don't see it as rubbish and can't let go. Your best bet will probably be involving mental health services to try and unpick the trigger which started this all off and work on that while trying to get your ex to allow you to help gradually get rid of it, but do do without being judgemental and expect more 'rubbish' to appear replacing what you get rid of.

Please have a read of this because it might help you understand how things got so bad. Sadly it might also lead to a few uncomfortable truths you might find difficult to process yourself if it turns out the divorce may well have been the original trigger which caused the depression that lead to the hording.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/hoarding-disorder/

Fire brigade? I’ve seen programmes about hoarders and properties that are seen as a fire risk will often have the fire brigade come and do risk assessments. Obviously it’s not a 999 call so maybe check online for your local fire service and contact from there.

Thank you Jcre, we were never married, but from what I can remember, she has always been the same. We were never well off or had much in the way of savings, but the four of us ate well, the house was safe and secure and we were happy. Many a time, I've asked her mother to look after the kids so we could have time to ourselves, go out or I'd cook a meal, but when we were alone and together, she wouldn't open up to me, no matter how hard I tried. I spent years trying to talk about us and our home, in fact, the things most normal folks would talk about, but she refused to engage in conversation and would go upstairs or to her mothers.
Then out of the blue, almost 5 years ago, she suggested we separated, for all the crap I'd gone through, I honestly felt triumphant and took the opportunity with both hands, made arrangements to find somewhere else to live and just got on with my life. We agreed that she and the kids stayed in the house until they finished education. It turns out, her mother, brothers and our kids knew about the decision long before me, she'd originally spoken to her family at least 6 months before I was told.
I'm not blowing my own trumpet, but I went the extra mile and more to try and help, seek support for her and do as much as it's possible to do, but she wasn't interested in me, my ideas or the future, to me, she didn't want help and hasn't processed the decision she made even though it was her idea to split up, all I've done is what she wanted.
She's been to the doctors more times than enough, but never finishes any treatment of completes courses of medication, so as far as I'm concerned, I'm fighting a losing battle, so I gave up and let her get on, I've moved on and am trying to live the best life I can.
The kids are fine, but as I mentioned, the house is a death trap waiting to happen and I'm now beyond caring about her mental state, that might sound harsh, but there's a huge amount more to that statement that I won't go into at this time, but she has done a lot more to me, that's brought me to where I am now and my decisions regarding her actions.
I've spoken to a friend who works in social services and she told me it sounds like my ex does have issues, but either won't or can't address them, I'll be getting some documentation sent to me in the post and
I'm heading to the local fire station this afternoon to ask for some advice. With information from my friend and the local fire station, I hope I can use this to make her realise the situation she's in, if after this, she doesn't do anything, I'll have to involve the local council and try to get something done on the grounds of the house being unfit for habitation.

Well mental health dies seem to be a key part in her issues. If she just doesn't want help or acknowledge a need then sadly you tend to find these situations come to a head sooner or later anyway when the hoarder ends up seriously unwell and the authorities intervene. Until then you probably have an uphill battle getting through to her. Who's house is it? Can you not force sale?

How old is your child?
You could report to social services but they may not do much if the child is quite old.
Your best bet would be to begin legal proceedings to sell the house and find somewhere suitable for the child to live with you to be honest.

If the house belongs to you, she needs to leave, as soon as possible. Your youngest can live with you while you clear out the house.

I think I'd be looking at the selling route here. I know if it's a tenant you can take action for them allowing the house to fall into a filthy verminous condition but his knows how it would work in this situation. Was anything legal ever drawn up when you let her stay there?

God I wish there was an edit button on here!

To add to what I said above, the most important issue here is that you can't allow your child to continue to live in that filthy, dangerous environment. You must put a stop to this.

Why don’t you have your child live with you if she’s struggling?

@Aquamarine1029

To add to what I said above, the most important issue here is that you can't allow your child to continue to live in that filthy, dangerous environment. You must put a stop to this.

This. It's not a safe environment. For your child.

My daughter is 17, 18 in September, sadly she cannot come and stay with me as I live in a one bed bungalow and the council are on the ball if there's anyone living in a property who shouldn't be there. I spoke to a friend in the fire brigade this afternoon, he gave me the number of the nearest station and who I needed to speak to. I called the officer and informed him of my predicament/situation and he jumped on it straight away, now that I've mentioned that my daughter and home is at risk, the fire brigade have a duty of care and they have to act, so he's going to call my ex tomorrow to make an appointment to visit her and put an order in force to make her clean the entire house and stop the hoarding.
No doubt I'll get grief from my ex, her brothers and mother, but I don't care, I spent many years with her trying to keep the place clean and tidy and it was clean and tidy when I left, there's no excuse for it being a shit tip.

She's had plenty of opportunities and offers of help, but she's refused every time, so she has no one to blame but herself

Thank you all for the advice and suggestions.

Are you a part owner of the home? You can get the ball rolling on selling the house. Make sure it's insured. Other than that, I don't think the council or fire service are going to be much help honestly.

@kneelingknievel

My daughter is 17, 18 in September, sadly she cannot come and stay with me as I live in a one bed bungalow and the council are on the ball if there's anyone living in a property who shouldn't be there. I spoke to a friend in the fire brigade this afternoon, he gave me the number of the nearest station and who I needed to speak to. I called the officer and informed him of my predicament/situation and he jumped on it straight away, now that I've mentioned that my daughter and home is at risk, the fire brigade have a duty of care and they have to act, so he's going to call my ex tomorrow to make an appointment to visit her and put an order in force to make her clean the entire house and stop the hoarding. No doubt I'll get grief from my ex, her brothers and mother, but I don't care, I spent many years with her trying to keep the place clean and tidy and it was clean and tidy when I left, there's no excuse for it being a shit tip. She's had plenty of opportunities and offers of help, but she's refused every time, so she has no one to blame but herself

Thank you all for the advice and suggestions.

That's good it's been flagged now.

Can't your daughter stay with you for a week or two at least? Until it's a bit safer there? I don't know of any tenancy agreements that wouldn't allow someone to have their child stay for a temporary period, just as you'd be allowed a friend to stay for a week as a guest surely?

Well, cross posted. Glad the fire service seems to be taking it seriously.

Now all you need to do is get the ex to take it seriously. I have a feeling this isn't going to be resolved promptly. People like this often tend to have to be dragged kicking and screaming to accept their hoarding is a problem and accept help.

What has it got to do with the council who stays with you? If this is you're own property why are you living in council accomodation?

@Jcre

What has it got to do with the council who stays with you? If this is you're own property why are you living in council accomodation?

Oh yeah this is a good point. If you own the other home privately then having a council home doesn't make sense?

I jointly own the house my ex and daughter is in, the bungalow I'm currently in is local authority. Because of my medical issues, I was classed as vulnerable, so I was housed very quickly after I contacted the council when she decided we should part.
Because the kids are still in education, I cannot force her to sell the house, plus I wouldn't until they'd finished. My son is 20 and in his last year at Uni, but may be stopping on for another year, my daughter, I have no idea what she's going to do.

Surely she can stay with you as a guest for a week or two while her home is being made safe? I don't know how that as a temporary measure could be against council policy if she isn't becoming a tenant? Especially if shes 17. I would look into that as an option.

very urgent I hope you can get something done

I’m just going to say it at the risk of sounding like an asshole- why is it that men all of a sudden can’t seem to accommodate their children living with them when they split from the child’s mother? Surely if you’re that concerned a) you would inform the council and explain that DD has to come and stay with you for the interim due to safeguarding issues at her house, or b) you phone the council and say you need emergency accommodation for you and DD so that you can keep her safe?

If it was me in your situation, there is no way I’d give a shit what the council thought if I was really concerned about the house my child lives in burning to the ground?

I’m glad the fire service is getting involved, however the biggest Duty of Care is YOU.

Well done contacting the fire brigade. To be honest I would also contact social services. They get a really bad rep but they could really help your ex get the support she needs - and it sounds like she definitely does need help x

I've had a very busy phone today, the first call was from my ex, she'd had "the visit" this morning and directed a tirade of expletives at me for making her look stupid, shaming her and bringing the fire brigade to the house for what she reckoned, was for no reason. I reminded her that the condition she has the property in is a hazard in several ways and she is not only putting her own life at risk, but our daughters and that of the neighbours if a fire was to break out and spread through the rooves. I let her have her say, didn't do anything to rile her up or cause anymore upset and she realised I wasn't biting, so she hung the phone up.

A couple of hours later, I was contacted by social services, then the local council, they informed me that the fire brigade had made them aware of the situation and my ex would be getting contacted within a few days to discuss the situation more.
Around mid afternoon, I called my daughter, asking her if she wanted/would like to stay with me for a while, but she is reluctant to leave her mothers side and won't move out even on a temporary basis, despite my reasoning with her.
At 4pm, the fire brigade called to tell how the conversation had gone with my ex and the officer couldn't tell me very much of what had been said because of the personal nature of what was said between them, but what he did tell me she was fuming, embarrassed and highly annoyed with me because I hadn't discussed it with her. I had to laugh as when I'd spoken to the officer in the original chat, I'd informed him that we'd spoken about trying to have a clean out, tidy up and sorting through what was to be kept or disposed of many times, but she would never do anything about it, so she cannot blame me.
I would reckon over the years there was a dozen times or more that I'd spent a couple of days in the attic and garage, sorting stuff into some form of order or who's it was, only for her to refuse to either help or commit to getting rid of the crap that had been agreed would go to the tip, recycling centre or charity shops, if I started loading the car, she would have a screaming fit, so I just gave up and put it back into the garage.
Another thing the officer said, was because social services have had to be involved, if my ex did not accept the advice given, agree to change her ways and stop the hoarding, they would intervene and take what might be seen as drastic action.
As we live in a small village, as soon as word of this gets out, I can guarantee her brothers and gossipy wives will spread a pack of lies about me and make me look like the bad guy, let them get on, common sense will prevail and if people cannot realise that I did the sensible thing to possibly save lives and stop a house from going up in flames, they must have an IQ lower than single figures.
Tomorrow's another day, let's see what it brings.