Trying to heal from abuse and raising a child is so hard, I feel like I’m getting it all wrong.

[Littleneedy]

It’s a couple of years now since leaving. My dd is almost 5 now, was almost 3 when I left. Her behaviour over the past few months has been slowly getting worse and I feel I have failed her. She tries to control everything, where people sit, who can look at her, she screams and tell me she doesn’t like me or her nanny. She lives with us (nanny and me) and we both love her very much. She wants attention all the time but I have to work and can’t do everything all the time. When I take her out and spend time with her she doesn’t want to be there and is just not nice.

I had a nervous breakdown after I left and dealing with complex ptsd with very little emotional support. I feel I’ve let her down trying to deal with the broken parts of myself and it’s effected her behaviour. She probably is also effected from the abuse even though she was small.

I was a terrible mum for her early years, I looked after her but I was emotionally dead from abuse. I just feel like I’m ruining her life. I don’t understand why she is getting so out of control and is being so mean am pushing me away.

Dear OP, I want to tell you you've already done an incredible job as a mum by leaving the abusive situation. She's physically and emotionally safe with you and her nanny, so you are meeting her most important needs.
I also want to encourage you not to interpret her behaviour as 100% the result of your parenting! Some of it may be connected to her early years but much of it is probably completely normal. For example what is she like at school?
A hard lesson for me when mine was little is that kids act out with the people they feel most safe with. It sucks, we sometimes get the worst of them - but it's a sign that she trusts you to support her and always be there no matter how she behaves.
Can you get some help for yourself OP? Some counselling or a support group?

Sending you support with dealing with an abusive past and glad you are out of that situation.
Don't be so hard on yourself - 5 year olds will push boundaries - how is she getting on at school ? how does she engage with children/friends of her own age?
Can you make a reward chart with stickers?
I am guessing she does not have contact with her dad ?

She is fine at school the teachers tell me. She tells me that she likes those at school but not me or nanny, but she does I just don’t know why she constantly acting out.

I think it is a phase - they know how to push buttons and get a reaction. Do you do nice things together - go to the park, read, paint with her. It is difficult with a single child as you almost have to become their play mate at that age and I know you work but if you set out some clear times when you can do fun things together.
When she says that she does not like you and Nanny how do you react? Try to let her know in basic terms that it hurts your feelings because you really love her

Massive hugs op. Firstly you should be proud for leaving. I can relate to your situation although different circumstances. We went through a very traumatic experience as a family. My ds was almost 3 at the time. He is now 5yo. He was so Little yet he remembered so much. Absolutely everyone told me he won't remember or he will grow out of it - really stupid and frustrating. Anyway his behaviour was exactly like as you describe , exactly. Even though we have a secure home with dh and I he was very affected by what happened. You need to seek professional help - this will only snowball if left. The love you and nanny give her is not enough. She needs to process her trauma. We were in play therapy for almost almost 1.5years and we now do sessions as and when needed. Your dd sounds exactly as my ds - it turned out that he developed severe anxiety which manifested in this behavior. He is now 5.5yo and doing extremely well. Early intervention is key. My ds anxiety appears at times BUT we as a family have the right tools to help him and he is helping himself as well. You are too close to the trauma she is experiencing, so no matter how much you try to help her she cannot separate it. I think you are doing amazing so please acknowledge that too. I really feel for you as I have been there.